


Only With You

by poupame



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Acting, Actors, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drinking, Drunk Clarke, F/F, Finn Collins Being an Asshole, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by Music, Long-Distance Relationship, Minor Costia/Lexa, Minor Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Minor Violence, Protective Lexa, Roommates, Running, Singer Clarke Griffin, Slow Burn, Songwriting, Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-02-02 23:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 55,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12736686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poupame/pseuds/poupame
Summary: Alexandria Woods has become one of Hollywood's biggest stars by keeping everyone and everything at a distance.She is the ultimate professional. Go in, do her part and get out with as little attachments as possible.Love is weakness is her motto, and that leaves no time for friends or getting close to anyone.All of that changes when Clarke Griffin barges into her life.Clarke Griffin is a struggling actress about to give up on her dreams until she scores the role of her dreams. In a few short days, her life is completely turned upside down.She is costarring and living with the one and only Alexandria Woods, and nothing will be the same for either. The more the pair get to know each other the stronger the bond between them becomes.Will they be able to overcome the obstacles stacked against them and make it work? Can they find their happily ever after?Clexa Acting AU/Roommate AU





	1. Perfect World

**Author's Note:**

> This story would not leave me alone until I wrote it down. It is mostly written, but I am still working on editing as I go. I have a total love/hate relationship with it, but a friend urged me to let others read it, so here it is. I have edited it some, but any and all mistakes that remain are my own. Please be gentle with me as this is my first real attempt at writing something more than a one-shot.
> 
> This book was inspired heavily by music. Each chapter has a song that sets the chapter. Some are just a feeling, some are lyrics and some actually play a role in the chapter. Each chapter description is lyrics from the song the chapter is named after. 
> 
> The full playlist for the book is [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/abailey410/playlist/7IIHBa50ZzpJDJ8pVFBmMM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't get mad  
> You did your best  
> And now its  
> All in the past to stay  
> So I knew that it was  
> in the Picture perfect world  
> We can be more than before  
> I said it was  
> I made it stronger  
> In the Picture perfect world  
> We can be more than before  
> I said it was  
> I made it stronger

CLARKE

[Perfect World by Gossip](https://open.spotify.com/track/7KMV8pH4gxwZpGOX6wewmv)

 

I stare out the glass doors, overlooking the deck, completely lost in thought. I have been standing here staring for longer than I care to admit, but this place holds so many memories, some good, and some bad. I can't believe that I am going to leave this place soon. My visa is set to expire in a month, but when I started this journey two years ago, I never thought it would come to this. It never occurred to me that I would be giving up on my acting dream and going home. I thought that getting a role would be easy and I would be one of the lucky ones that got their big break right away.

Unfortunately, I have not been that lucky and my dream is feeling more like a pipe dream that is going to blow up in my face. There have been small roles here and there, but that elusive breakout role has been harder to attain. After so many auditions and so many rejections I am almost relieved. Almost. The constant rejection and waiting was so hard in the beginning. Now all the auditions blend together, and I am not even sure I want to do this anymore. I can’t believe how different my life is, then how I imagined it to be all those years ago.

After I finished school I made up my mind to go to LA and live my dream. I flew the 14 hours from Melbourne the next week. One of my mom's mates from Uni, Gus, lived in LA and agreed to let me stay in his spare room for a bit. I moved in with him and I thought I was set. After a few months of audition after audition and getting nothing, I was running low on funds. I had to get a job and it was time to find a new place to live. I loved staying with Gus, but he had his own life to live. I just felt like I needed to find my own space here.

 

I got a job waiting tables, thinking how hard can it be, since I was a bartender back home. I was so wrong, it was horrible. I did meet Raven, so I guess it wasn’t that bad. Raven was my trainer at the restaurant. I was so terrible that she felt sorry for me after that first shift. She made me go out for drinks with her later that night. At the bar, we both tried to hit on the same girl and both struck out. That was all it took for us to become fast friends. We both needed a new place to stay, so I had a buddy to apartment hunt with. We got extremely lucky in our search, because a friend of Gus' had this place available. They gave us a killer deal on rent and the rest is history.

We started spending so much time together, and got along so well that we decided to move in together. With her dark hair, dark skin and beautiful Hispanic features, Raven was my complete opposite. She was loud and brash and so incredibly smart that she could be intimidating, so we balanced each other out nicely. She is my opposite in every way but somehow it just works between us. She loves to work out and do yoga, while I hate any form of exercise. She is a certified genius, while I am most definitely not.  Raven and I have been each other's wingman ever since and she has become more like a sister to me. I think leaving my newfound family and home here in LA, is going to be harder to leave that admitting that I failed at my dream.

We have made so great many memories here together. Like the time Gus and Raven almost destroyed the deck over some stupid sports argument. The time Raven got wasted and fell asleep on the deck naked, that was more of my roommate than I ever wanted to see. The late night baking. The major cooking disasters that one time I tried to teach Raven to cook. All of the family meals we have enjoyed here together. There is a lot here that I have to say goodbye to. Before I can get too wrapped up in memories, I realize that It is almost noon. If I don't haul ass I will be late for my job at the café, Mugs, down the street.

I scramble to get ready and sprint down the street to Mugs. I crash through the doors about 10 seconds before my shift starts, and run straight to the break room to make myself presentable. Running really does not agree with me. My cheeks are flushed, and my hair is a wreck and I only ran 3 blocks. Looking in the mirror I realize there is not a whole lot I can to make myself presentable, so I splash some water on my face and go clock in.

Before I head back out front I check my phone to see if I missed any more of Raven's snarky updates about her job. When I look at my phone though the screen is dark and won't turn on. It's then I remember Raven saying she needed to borrow my charger and she never gave it back. This stupid phone doesn’t hold a charge anymore, but there is real no reason to get a new one until l get back home.

My friend, and coworker John, comes back to clock out for the day and I beg him for his charger. He agrees and makes me promise to leave it in his locker when I am done. I once again realized how lucky to have such great friends here. I plug in his charger and hook up my phone not taking time to try to power it on. I know my boss, Abby, will be pissed if I don't head out front quickly. I guess I wasn't quick enough, because Abby looks like she wants to yell at me for being late any way. Thankfully the rush starts, and we get swamped so, she doesn’t get the chance.

We were so busy today that before I know it, it’s already time for my lunch. I grab a sandwich from up front, and head back to the break room. I really hope my phone is charged by now. Maybe I can kill some time checking Instagram, and making fun of Raven's ridiculous Facebook posts.

I turn on my phone and have several voicemails, and several texts from both my manager, Kate, and my agent, Paige. What the hell? I decide my manager can wait and scan the texts from my agent. 

  

 

> _PAIGE: Clarke answer the phone._
> 
> _PAIGE: Clarke call me back._
> 
> _PAIGE: Clarke, I have important news. Call me right away._
> 
> _PAIGE: Clarke stop whatever you are doing and call me._
> 
> _PAIGE: Clarke!!!!!! CALL ME!!!!_

 

There are several more, but all the texts are like the first ones. I scan the ones from my manager and they are all similar to Paige's. What the hell is going on? I never get messages like this from them, and never so many. I am suddenly filled with dread. What could be so important? I start to call Paige back when Abby comes back to remind me my break was over 5 minutes ago. I guess this will have to wait, while I serve bagels, coffee, pastries, and sandwiches to the hungry masses.

We get another small rush of customers and it makes this usually boring shift, go by much faster. Once most of the customers leave and the crowd dies down, I go to clean the tables. I am cleaning the tables near the back of the café when Abby comes over and passes me a business card.

"That lady in the corner over there asked me to give you this when things slowed down. I think she wants to talk to you." Abby continues nodding toward her, "Go ahead, just watch the front and make sure we don't get too busy again."

"Thanks, Abby." I mutter. I look down at the card and it says Olivia Moore, casting director Moore Entertainment. Now I am really confused. Why would a casting director want to talk to me at Mugs? I make my way over to the woman in the corner and can't help but feel like she is familiar. I swear I know her from somewhere, but I just can't place her.

"Hello Clarke, please take a seat." When I sit across from her she continues, "I am sure you are pretty confused right now. My name is Olivia Moore and I run one of the casting companies and we are casting a new show. I saw you a few weeks ago, when you auditioned. I have been coming to Mugs for longer than I can remember. I couldn't place you at first, but when I put everything together, I knew you were the one for this role. I am sorry for just dumping all of this on you, but the character I want you for has been a difficult one to cast. We are now running out of time, because filming starts in less than a month. I want you for the part, and I have contacted your manager and agent, but haven't heard back yet. I saw you were working and took a chance telling you about the role in person. I will send over the script and contracts for you to look over as soon as I get back to the office. The role is yours if you want it, but we need a decision as soon as possible. Just think about it. Call me or have your people call me as soon as you make a decision. I look forward to working with you Clarke." With that she gets up and leaves the café.

I don’t know how long I sit there, completely shell shocked from her announcement, but at least I know why she seemed so familiar. She does come in here often, but she usually doesn't stick around after her order is ready. I rack my brain for what audition she could have been at and come up empty. They have all started to blend together in my mind. I must have been staring out in space for quite a while, because Abby comes over with a concerned look on her face.

"Is everything ok Clarke? It is getting close to closing, why don't you head home? I can close up tonight." She asks still seeming concerned.

"Are you sure, Abby? I am ok, really. I will help you close like scheduled." I tell her.

"It has been a really busy day and you were a big help. Thank you, but I think I can handle closing up shop tonight." Abby says as she smiles at me.

Still in a daze, I grab my stuff and head home. I stand outside my door looking at her card for a few minutes before I make my way inside. I am still conflicted about what this means for me. I know I need to talk to both Kate and Paige at some point, but I can't bring myself to call them back yet. I need to digest everything Olivia told me, and figure out what it would mean for me before I talk to them. I sink down to the floor and sit staring out the window until I hear a loud banging on the front door.

A few seconds later I hear Raven and Gus shouting for me. I stay where I am knowing that Raven will find me eventually. I look between the two of them, wary. It's never a good thing when they are together voluntarily. "Why did you knock Rae? You have keys. What's up guys? Why are you together and why are you together in my living room?"

"First, we can hang out together and not kill each other. Second, Gus had Dodgers tickets and I wanted to go, so we went. Third, I got frantic calls from both your manager and your agent looking for you. So, we are missing the eighth inning to track your ass down. Where have you been, Griffin?" Raven asks.

"I was at work, Raven. That didn’t change after I told you this morning." I tell her.

"Yeah, but you always answer your phone even when you are at work. And we went by Mugs first and Abby said she sent you home early" She says like it was completely obvious.

"My phone died. It was also crazy busy today and Abby is on my case about being a good employee. I don’t know why though, because I gave my notice last week. Anyway, something weird happened this afternoon and Abby let me leave early. I think I was offered a part, but it was all really surreal." I tell them.

"Well" Gus steps in, "that's what we wanted to tell you. Those manager and agent ladies you have, told us we could tell you if we found you first. You got an amazing new job, kiddo!!! It starts filming in a week. It is in Vancouver and all you have to do is say yes."

"Guys, I haven't talked to my "ladies" as you call them. I haven't seen a script. I haven't seen a contract. I don't know anything about this job. I don't know anything about it at all. I need to call Paige and see what she says." I try to calm them down. It is not always as easy as just saying yes. The doorbell rings and Gus goes to answer. He comes back with a large envelope and a smaller package. He hands both to me and tells me a courier dropped them off for me.

I slowly open the package and find the paperwork Olivia promised. I set it aside and open the smaller package. Inside I find a set of keys and plane tickets. There is a little note tucked in with them.

 

 

>   _Clarke,_
> 
> _If you choose to take this part, we have a house rented in Vancouver. It will be ready to go for you when you arrive. Please call my office if you need any assistance with your things. We will be happy to help you take care of anything before you leave._
> 
> _Olivia_

They already have a place for me to stay? And plane tickets? They must really be serious about wanting me for this show. Raven and Gus are hovering over my shoulder trying to see what it is and asking a million questions. I don't know how to answer any of them, so I grab the paperwork and head out to the deck. Thankfully they both leave me alone to look everything over, knowing I need some space. I read through the script and fall in love instantly. This character she mentioned I would be playing is badass. I love everything about Taylor and know this could be the break out role I have been waiting for.

I get to the contract and have to call Paige. There is so much industry jargon in these things I can't read them. She gives me an ear full about not returning her calls and not being available, but finally goes over the contract terms and conditions. She tells me they need an answer by morning and I have to promise to call her first thing.

I go back in and tell Raven and Gus about this amazing show. I tell them everything I found out about the character and the other cast members. I even tell Raven about all the fighting scenes I will get to do. They are so excited for me and their excitement is contagious. I don't know how, but in less than an hour I am talked in to hosting a party for all of our friends. She starts texting everyone she knows, and Gus is already on the phone. They tell me they will take care of everything and to go get ready for a Raven Reyes Party. Why did I agree to this again?

Everyone starts to show up, and we are directing everyone outside where we have a big bonfire going. Gus is tending the fire and passing out drinks. Everyone is having a great time and congratulating me. I try to enjoy having them all over here celebrating for me, but I am still lost in my thoughts over this job offer and find myself not really engaging. I talk to everyone and make my rounds but eventually I get too exhausted to keep this up. I find Raven to tell her she is in charge and to not drink anymore. I head inside and retreat to my room.

I think about this show and the character for a while. I am still so confused about it all. I don't have much time to make this decision, so I need to figure my shit out. I don't think I would fall asleep with all of these thoughts swirling around my head, but before I know it I am fast asleep.  

 


	2. Runaway Train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no slowing down now  
> I'm a runaway train  
> My pistons are pounding  
> Brakes are screaming your name  
> And when there's nothing but wreckage and flames  
> And your misery is all that remains  
> I'll feel human again  
> But I'm a runaway train

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I had the first 3 chapters posted as 1 chapter. I didn't like how it turned out so I am switching it back. If you have read this before you can skip to chapter 4.

CLARKE

[Runaway Train by CAM](https://open.spotify.com/track/10RGtdWD7tQEx5VIPtT7Yx)

 

I am startled awake by my phone ringing late that night. I know calls at this hour can never be good, so I am already wary. I refuse to open my eyes when it feels like I just fell asleep, so blindly search for my phone on the nightstand. After knocking almost everything off I finally find my phone and pull it to my ear.

“Hullo?” I rasp out my voice sleep heavy and rough.

“Hi, Clarke.” A voice I recognize but can’t place says.

“It’s 2 am. Is there something wrong? Who is this?” I ask waking up a little bit more. The voice sounds familiar but I am struggling to place the voice in my sleepy state.

My brain realizes its horrible ex I never wanted to talk to again, Finn. I make this revelation right as he says, “It’s me Finn. How have you been, Clarke? I miss you” 

“FINN?!?!?! What the fuck? You miss me? You know what, I don't care. Why are you calling me? I told you to never call me again,”, He is the last person I expected to be calling me and definitely not in the middle of the night. I can't help but raise my voice at his idiotic question and that only fuels my anger more. I realize I am almost yelling into the phone by the time I finish and have to work to control my voice level and anger. 

"What the fuck, Finn?” only slightly quieter.

“I’m sorry, princess,” he starts.

“Don’t fucking, "princess", me, Finn. Did you have an actual reason for calling? Or do you just like to piss me off randomly in the middle of the night? If not, it was great talking to you, swell even. Go fuck yourself and lose my fucking number.” I realize I am being a heinous bitch to him right now, but I can't help myself. He brings it out this side of me and has ever since his little stunt.

I start to hang up on him when he pleads, “Clarke. Wait. Please!"

Against my better judgement I stay on the line to hear what he has to say. "I really do have a reason to call. I am really sorry, Clarke. I know you don't want to hear that again and I know you don't want to talk to me, so I will try to make this quick. I got a call earlier tonight that we are going to be co-starring on this new show. I know we have a not so great history and wanted to give you the heads up before we got to Vancouver. I didn't want you showing up on set without any warning I was going to be there. A little heads up from me is the least I can do. I don't want to make this harder for you. I promise to keep my distance offset as much as possible. I know I fucked up what we had beyond repair.”

I am a little taken aback that he was actually mature enough to make this call, but I still cannot contain my anger at him. After what he did to me he is lucky I didn't rip his balls off, but I knew it was always a possibility that we would have to work together at some point. I just thought that point would be much further in the future.

“You're right I don't want to hear how sorry you are again. Thank you for the heads up, but why did you think 2 AM was a good time to tell me this? Could you not call me tomorrow morning like a normal person? All you have ever and will ever think about is yourself, Finn. You do what you want and don't care about anything else. I know you have an ulterior motive for telling me this, but let me tell you I won't put up with your shit any more. You left me to deal with all of your everything, alone. You let me think you were dead for 6 months. You went to go play in the Caribbean with god knows who, so don’t even try to make this about poor Finn. You know what; I am not letting you get to me again. I don’t have anything more to say. Thanks for the heads up.”  I hang up before he says anything more. 

After my call from Finn I try in vain to for sleep to find me again. I can't believe he called to give me a heads up. I know he is up to something and I don't like it. Moving on from him when he disappeared and everything I had to deal with is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was not in a good place back then. When I found out he was not dead it was even worse. I will never let something like that happen to me again. I start thinking about all of the shit that happened back then and the deep depression I was in. My family and my therapists are the only ones that know the extent of what I went through, but I think I may need to tell Raven a little more of what happened if he is going to be around.

I finally give up on going back to sleep around 3:30. I finally decide to crawl out of bed and head downstairs. I need to clear my head. I need to not fall back into the depression that I fell into from Finn, the last time. This time I have people I can talk to and this amazing job opportunity to focus on. I know I need to talk to Raven, but I don't know if I am strong enough for that this morning. I try to be quiet so I don't bother Raven, but I find her at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. I guess she heard some of that conversation, if the look on her face is any indication.

“Hey, Clarke,” she murmurs.

“I heard yelling. Are you ok?” she asks concerned.

I can’t look Raven in the eyes. I was hoping to have some time before I had to talk about anything to do with Finn. I can't do this now, especially not so soon after that conversation. I know she probably overheard quite a bit of my talk with Finn, so I say,” Yep, just another run in with my asshat ex, Finn.”

“What the hell did he want?” Raven exclaims. She starts mumbling under her breath and I can’t be sure, but I think she has created some new curse words. I will have to remember some of these. I have to hold in a laugh before I answer her.

“Apparently, he is also working on my new show and wanted to let me know. So basically, he wanted to ruin my happiness, as per usual.”  I scoff.

Raven lets out a deep sigh and puts her head in her hands. “Well I guess it’s good that I have decided to go to Vancouver with you.” 

“Wait, What?” I say confused. "When was this decided? Don’t I get a say? Since it's my life? What about your job?”

“Well… Gus and I talked last night and since he can’t go. We decided that I was going to fly up with you, and stay until you get settled.” She rushes out, knowing that I am going to be pissed.

I cannot stand people making decisions for me, and usually do the opposite of whatever they want. Raven senses that I am going to blow up and immediately switches gears to try to calm me down. “Clarke, I know how you feel about things like this. I am sorry that we decided this without you, but we love you. We only want what is best for you. And having a familiar face around, especially if that asshat is around is a good thing.”

I relent, but only because I know she is right. I still don’t like it, and it doesn’t sit well with me the rest of the morning. I can’t shake this surreal feeling I have had since I was told about this part. I am off today, so I need to keep myself busy while I mull this whole thing over.

There is usually only one sure way to get Finn, work, and failure off of my mind. Since six am is a little early for drinking, I settle for the next best thing, exercising.  The thing is, I HATE exercising. No, I mean, I really hate exercise. It is like torture to me, but strangely it also helps me clear my head. Just another one of those Clarke Griffin oddities, I guess.

After I get changed, I go out to the beach and stretch. I take in the beautiful morning and the sound of the small waves crashing on the shore. I want to stay here and relax. To take in the sights and sounds of the beach, instead of running. I know soon enough all of my issues will creep in to my mind if it is idle. So after I finish stretching I put my ear buds in and start my run.

After a mile or two with the best break up songs blasting in my ears, my mind is completely clear of all the Finn baggage. My mind is able to forget all of the extra crap, and focus on this part and what it could mean for me. The role they want me for is Taylor. She is the leader of a rag tag group of kids that are just trying to survive on their own. She really is something else and I am more than flattered that they want me to play this kick ass female character. I spend the rest of my run thinking about Taylor and if I can do her justice.

As I get close to my house I see a familiar figure on my deck. Raven runs out to the beach to hug me. “What’s this all about?” gesturing between us to the hug currently crushing my internal organs. “Ugh, Raven too tight,” I manage to choke out.

“Oh, sorry Clarke,” she says apologetically, “I am so excited about Vancouver. I can’t control my strength. I have been googling the show and the other cast. Did you know that Bellamy Blake is on this show too?”

“Is that the actor you have a crush on Rae?” I ask smirking. “Is that why you are so adamant about coming with me? You want to drool all over Bellamy Blake?”

“What? No, I just found this out about 10 minutes ago. I was excited way before that. Like when I found out Lexa Woods is also starring….” She mumbles the last part hoping I didn’t hear her, but of course I do.

“Holy shit, THE Lexa Woods? Didn’t she just have a box office smash hit, an Oscar nomination and make one of those top actors under 25 lists?” I continue, “Why is she doing this show?”

“No one knows, but it must be special if Lexa is working on it. Have you read any more of the script?”

“Nope,” I say, “I needed to clear my head before looking at it”

She looks at me pointedly “And how is that going for you?

“It’s not. Want to help me work on it?” I ask her in a challenge.

“What do you have in mind?" She asks warily. Rae knows me too well and when running doesn’t help, I box.

“Help me with some boxing drills for a bit? Nothing too crazy, I promise.” Of course, about halfway through the workout I end up talking her into sparring with me. I know she is regretting agreeing to this, just like she always does.

“Rae we have safety gear on. I am not going to hurt you.” I try to mollify her.

With a shaky breath she huffs out, “Alright, Griffin, let’s do this.”

We get set up and I show Raven some basic moves. She helps me go through my normal warm up drills and some combos I have been working on. Then it is time to fight. I know Raven is still unsure about fighting me, but after telling her again and again that I will take it easy on her we finally start. She has much more padding on that I do so I know she is going to be slower, but she nails me with a right cross that has me seeing little stars. We both stop pulling our punches and go all out against each other. About 15 minutes later we are both sweaty, a little beat up and very exhausted. Neither of us took it easy on the other. After both giving and receiving more blows that we probably should have, we collapse on the floor in a sweaty heap.

“So, Bellamy Blake, huh? You know that he has a penis, right? The last time I checked you weren’t a fan of those” I say teasing Raven.

“Yeah, well, for that one, I could make an exception.” She giggles. “So, did my pain and suffering help you make a decision?” Raven asks after catching her breath.

I laugh and, think about that for a few seconds. Finally, I reply “It really did. Thank you. I think I am going to go for it. What’s the worst that could happen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I have no idea what I am doing, but I had fun doing it. Comments and Kudos are always appreciated.  
> Any and all mistakes are my own.


	3. We Come Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headed for the open door  
> Tell me what you're waiting for  
> Look across the great divide  
> Soon they're gonna hear  
> The sound, the sound, the sound  
> When we come running  
> Never go where we belong  
> Echoes in the dead of dawn  
> Soon they're gonna know  
> The sound, the sound, the sound  
> When we come running

CLARKE

[We Come Running by Youngblood Hawke](https://open.spotify.com/track/4Xv41B0BJRcMBJYpavNDfD)

 

The next few days are hectic. I have so many meetings about this project that my head is constantly spinning. Once you add in the moving and packing on top of that, and it has been a long few days. Luckily most of my friends took the party as saying our goodbyes, but there are a few people I have gotten close to that didn't make it over. I fit as many goodbyes in between meetings as I can. All of these goodbyes have made these last few days so much more emotional and draining. I hate goodbyes. They feel so final and it always makes leaving so much more difficult. It is much easier knowing that I am only going to Canada, instead of back home.

Once I agreed to do this show and my world was tossed into chaos. There was so much to do to get ready to head to Vancouver.  I had to meet with my agents to sign contracts, have meetings with the writers, meetings with the studio, so many meetings. I had meetings that I have no idea why I was even in the room. Hopefully I will start to feel more comfortable with all of this stuff, once I get to Vancouver. I was given an updated script and a schedule of training before we even start shooting. It looks like I will be busy once I get to Vancouver. The schedule is pretty intense, and I am happy I will be busy.

I am so exhausted after this week that I just want to sleep for 24 hours. Now that I finally have a break after what seems like 36 hours straight of meetings, I want to do absolutely nothing until I have to leave for the airport in 12 hours.

I am staying with Gus tonight since we had to give up our rental and he is taking us to the airport in the morning. I came back here and locked myself in my room to get some peace. I should have known that with Raven staying here too I would not get any peace and quiet. So, I am not surprised that my plans of doing nothing are interrupted by Raven flopping next to me on Gus' spare bed. I have been getting constant text messages from her with questions about everything under the sun related to this trip. I had to turn my phone off several times, so I was able to focus during these boring meetings. Tonight, she is vibrating with excitement over this trip and I know I should be too, but after all of these meetings I am just exhausted.

She is talking a mile a minute and way more excited that I can muster right now. She is going on about something and it would take more brain power than I currently have to understand her.

“Whoa Rae, take a breath. What’s up?” I interrupt her.

She takes a deep breath and then continues a little slower this time, “I am so excited I get to live with you in Canada. How did you get them to agree to fly me up too?”

“I may have called you my personal assistant, one I couldn’t live without,” I say brightly knowing she is going to be pissed.

“Oh my God Clarke that is perfect. You are a genius. Are they going to pay me too?” she exclaims.

“I don’t think I discussed that, but you do get to live with me for free for a few weeks. My roommate isn’t moving in until after filming starts. And of course, you get to come with me to set and hang around Bellamy Blake.” I respond laughing at her face at the mention of his name.

“Rae I am exhausted. It’s been a long few days and all I want to do is sleep,” I whine.

“Fine party pooper. Be ready to leave first thing in the morning. Gus is taking us to the airport at some god awful early time.” She says as she leaves my room. As I get the rest of my stuff together and make sure everything is ready to go in the morning, I get a text from an unknown number.

 

 

> _UNKNOWN: Hi Clarke. This is Lexa Woods. They told me we are future roommates. I wanted to hi. I would have done it sooner, but this filming schedule has been kicking my ass. Enjoy the house. The photos I have seen of it are amazing. I will see you in a few weeks._

After internally freaking out that an Oscar nominated actress is texting me, I read and re-read the text before trying to find the least awkward words I can to reply to THE Lexa Woods.

 

 

> _CLARKE: Hi Lexa. Nice to text you._
> 
> _CLARKE: Sorry, I am a dork even when I am trying to be smooth. Thank you for the warm welcome. I will see you in a few weeks and feel free to text me anytime or if you want more photos of the house or set or cast._

Wow, that was so not smooth. I really don’t think I could be more awkward, but this is Clarke Griffin you are talking to so I probably can, and will be more awkward around her. I don't know why I am so nervous talking to her, we are going to be living together in a few weeks. I need to get my nerves under control and have a normal conversation with her. Normal, I can do normal. At least I think I can. I start thinking about what I know about Lexa.

From everything I have seen and read Lexa is a quiet, subdued personality. From her movies, I know she is tall. Well, taller than me, but that doesn't say much, since I am pretty short. She is absolutely stunning, with long curly dark brown hair, smooth tan skin, beautiful piercing green eyes, and a strong jaw line with high cheekbones. She is skinny, but in a good way. She is very muscular and fit but also has some amazing curves. Over all she is an incredibly beautiful woman. From some of her other movies you can see how toned and amazingly strong she is. I don't know much about her private life, because she is rarely in the public eye. Everything about her fascinates me and I don't know why. She is an enigma and I can't wait to meet her.

I realize I am thinking way too hard about how hot my new roommate is and try to change my train of thought. I think back to anything else I can remember about her. In interviews, she has been called cold and distant, but when she is on screen she is amazing. She doesn't really hang out on set. She has a reputation as being closed off and aloof. I have also heard that she is extremely intimidating and serious all of the time. Some of the people she has worked with say that she is a bitch, but she doesn’t seem like it so far. I don’t think reaching out to me and saying hi fits any of those descriptions. While I am lost in thought, I get a notification of another text from the same unknown number. I really need to program her number in my new phone.

 

 

> _UNKNOWN: Thanks. I just realized it is really late. I am so sorry. My internal clock is all messed up by these night shoots. I just had a quick break and remembered I needed to text you. I got your number from your manager. I hope that’s ok._

I wasn’t expecting a response from Lexa, but for some reason I am excited to be chatting with her. I don’t know why but, I get the feeling she doesn't chat with many people. We haven’t even met, and I feel special for getting to talk to her like this. I don’t know why, but she fascinates me and always has. It is so easy to talk to her and I find myself wanting to keep texting her. I guess I was nervous about nothing. I realize it has been a few minutes and I bet she is waiting for some sort of response from me.

 

 

> _CLARKE: It’s ok. I am having trouble sleeping tonight. I leave in the morning and this is the first time I am going on location and the first lead role I have had. So I am a bundle of nerves right now._

I see the little dots and know she is replying. I am way more excited about talking to her than I should be. I know she is just being nice, but I get the feeling she doesn't do this that often. Knowing that makes me a little giddy.

 

 

> _LEXA: I remember my first time on set. I was petrified I was going to fall on my face and not remember any of my lines. It gets better. I promise. They wouldn’t have cast you as the lead if they weren’t sure you will be great._

I am in awe that Lexa was scared of anything. I start to type a reply as her next text comes in.

 

>  
> 
> _LEXA: I am needed back on set for most of the night. Get some rest so you can kick ass tomorrow. Night. Lexa._

I send a quick goodnight text back to her and briefly wonder if something I said upset her. Her last text seemed a little abrupt, but I guess I don’t really know her well enough yet to know. I can't stop thinking about Lexa. I already like her from just a few exchanged texts and get the feeling we will get along well. I have seen all of her movies and I can't wait to meet her. In interviews, she always seems a little closed off and is always very private. I didn't get that feeling talking to her tonight and once again I feel lucky that she reached out to me. I fall into restless sleep thinking about Lexa being alone on set.

I awaken in a cold sweat a few hours later with a silent scream in my throat. It has been so long since I have had a nightmare about that night and Finn going missing. Only this time it wasn’t Finn I saw being pulled into the ocean, it was Lexa. Damn him for stirring this all up again. Going back to sleep at this point would be pointless, so I get up and shower as quietly as I can. I get my stuff together and put it by the door. I leave Gus a quick note and head the few blocks to the beach.

I sit and watch the sunrise over the city listening, while to the ocean waves. I try to soak in all I can of my surroundings before I leave. I don’t know long I sit out here before Gus comes and finds me. He brings me a banana, knowing I didn’t grab anything before I left. We walk in peaceful silence back to the house. He makes leaving easy by giving me a huge bear hug, and retreating inside to grab our bags. The house is very quiet this morning. I am really going to miss this place and my adopted family here. We all said goodbye at the party and everyone else knows how I hate saying goodbye and have thankfully let us leave today without a big production. 

Raven comes out and throws her arm around me. She hands me an apple as she steers me toward the car. Everyone is always trying to feed me, but I am always hungry, so I don't mind. I take the apple from her knowing I will eat it on the ride to the airport. Gus has already loaded the bags, so we are ready to head out. I am still nervous but after talking to Lexa, I am a little more excited to start this new chapter of my life. I can’t figure out why but talking to her even in a text helped to calm my nerves a bit. Once we are in the air it is all I can do to hold back tears. This is such a big moment in my life and I am scared out of my mind. Everything is so unknown, so up in the air with this show I can only hope for the best. I close my eyes as tight as I can and hope Lexa is right about all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I have no idea what I am doing, but I had fun doing it. Comments and Kudos are always appreciated.  
> Any and all mistakes are my own.


	4. Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We walk as tall as the skyline  
> And we have roots like the trees  
> But then your eyes start to wander  
> 'Cause they weren't looking at me  
> You weren't looking for me
> 
> 'Cause I've done some things that I can't speak  
> And I've tried to wash you away, but you just won't leave  
> So won't you take a breath and dive in deep?  
> 'Cause I came here so you'd come for me

LEXA 

[Haunting by Halsey](https://open.spotify.com/track/1r1WtSrPbAOYHE7zwq4eqK)

 

I think this movie is going to kill me. If it’s not freezing cold, it’s pouring rain. I knew going in that this script was full of deadly action stunts, I agreed to try to do myself. I was so excited about the stunts that I overlooked the vapid airhead moments. I read the script and I knew all of this when I signed on, but seeing it on paper, and living it are two completely different things. I am so tired. I can't sleep and so it's so cold it feels like I will never be warm again. I am so happy I have the next few days off to recover from all of this. And to top it all off, in a moment of slap happy exhaustion/stupidity, I sent a text message to Clarke Griffin, the girl I am going to be living with for the next few months.

She got the part I wanted, but I am just as excited about the role they created for me, The Commander. How cool is it that they made a character just for me? I admit to Googling Clarke when I found out she got the Taylor role. I wanted to see what they saw in her. I was a little taken aback that there isn’t much out there about her. She has had a few small parts on various shows, and some parts on Australian TV but that’s it.

She is extremely attractive with this whole fresh faced, almost girl next door-esque thing happening. I think she is shorter than I am, but I am not sure how much. She is muscular but still has these amazing feminine curves and these blue eyes that are so striking you can't look away. With her blonde hair and blue eyes, she looks like she should be a model, and not an actress. That's not all though. In the photos I did find of her, she always has this amazing smile on her face or is laughing. How is she going to play such a serious, bad ass, strong character if she is always so happy? As much as I hate thinking the worst of other women in this industry, maybe she slept her way into my role. I dismiss that though just as quickly as it formed, she wouldn’t be so nervous if that was the case.

We have texted several times since that first night. I have been sure to keep the texts short but polite, but she makes it hard to not like her with her kindness. For some reason, the more I talk to her the more intrigued I become. She has slipped past my normal defenses with relative ease. I have no idea how she did It. We started out with random texts here and there about our day and gradually those increased to texting each other about everything. All the texting led to us Skyping a few times and we have started talking to each other almost every day. It got to the point that my day doesn’t feel complete if I didn’t talk to Clarke.

There is something about this girl. Talking to Clarke is so easy and she doesn’t want anything from me. It is refreshing to be able to talk to someone about my life. We have of course kept it light, but something about this girl makes me want to tell her everything. She feels safe and I am starting to crave that safety more each time we talk.

When she arrived at “our” new house she sent me a text asking if I had a room preference. She sent several photos but the one I focused on the most was a photo of the view from a bed. I could see her feet in the photo, so I am assuming she was laying on the bed when she took it. I think this must be the room she chose, but I am really trying to not think of Clarke in bed. I glance at the other photos and realize that the house they got for us is really nice. And the views are amazing. She includes several photos of the kitchen, which doesn’t mean much to me since I don’t cook, but I could tell it was important to her. I will have to ask her more about that the next time we talk. I tell myself I should put a stop to talking to this girl so much, but I get this odd sense of peace and serenity when I am talking with her that I haven’t had since before Costia. I feel like a junkie for it. That feeling is so addicting, once you discover it. I briefly wonder if this is the feeling Costia was chasing with drugs and alcohol. I shake myself out of those thoughts, just as quickly as they popped in my head. I don’t want to think about how I failed her. Of course, not wanting to think about her has the exact opposite effect.

Costia. Costia is all I can thing about now. It has been so long since I have let myself even think her name. All the intense feelings that come with thinking about her bombard me all at once. It feels almost like I am drowning in them. I am so happy that I am not on set right now, because everything from our time together hits me at once. I see snippets of our time together like a slideshow everywhere I look. All the pain, all the joy and an everything emotion in between bombards me. Feeling everything that I felt when I was with her completely overwhelms me. Normally I lock these emotions up tight, but just for tonight I am going to allow those feelings to wash over me.

I think about the beginning of my relationship with her. The first time I met Costia I was at USC, just starting out my college career. She was in my 201 English Lit class. She sat across the room, and I couldn't take my eyes off her the entire class. To this day don't know what about her captivated me, but even now, I still think she was worth it. I got distracted by her every class for the first few weeks. She was all I could focus on when I was in that room. Finally, I had psyched myself up to talk to her. I had to pass her seat when class was over, and I was going to talk to her. As I got closer I chickened out and kept walking right out of the room.

Luckily for me she felt it too, and stopped me just outside the building. We started talking and ended up missing the rest of our classes that day. I loved talking to Costia. She made everything seem more vivid. I was enthralled with every word that came out of her mouth. I knew I was in over my head right away, but my heart had never felt happier. She was so vibrant and so passionate about everything. I didn't want to miss a thing. Looking back, I can see how fast we got serious and how things abruptly took a turn for the worst, but hindsight is 20/20.

We had this insane instant connection, that was in so many ways, was overwhelming to me. I had never felt like this for anyone, let alone another woman. All of these intense feelings were terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Everything happened so fast I didn't have time to process my feelings, let alone whatever Costia was going through. We started off as friends and started spending all our free time together and we were happy, so happy. We became more just as quickly as we became friends, and soon she was my entire world. I was so deliriously happy. I was completely oblivious that my best friend was very, very unhappy. I rack my brain every time I think about her, but I cannot figure out the exact point when that her happiness changed to unhappiness.

I hear my phone go off and I am thankful for being interrupted. Before I could fall further into the black hole of pain, loss, grieving, and devastation that I know will come of if dwell on Costia too long. My relief is short lived, because I see it’s a text from Clarke. Somehow, she is what got me on this train of thought and maybe, just maybe, she can save me from it too.

 

> _CLARKE: I heard you have a few days off and then are wrapping up and coming to Vancouver soon!! I am so excited to have someone beside Raven around._

Raven? I wonder who Raven is and why is she at the house with Clarke? Wait, why do I care who Clarke spends her time with? Before I can think of answers to any of these questions and why I am asking them, I see those little dots indicating she is sending another text.

 

> _CLARKE: I forgot to mention my best friend from LA, Raven is staying with me until you move in. I hope that’s ok. I made sure that she is not using the room I picked for you._

Clarke picked a room for me? Why does that make me smile? I haven’t even met this woman and she has already gotten to me. Well, more than anyone else has in a long time. That’s not saying much, because since Costia I have successfully kept most people at more than an arm’s length. I am so lost in this train of thought that I realize that I still haven’t responded to Clarke.

 

> _LEXA: Thank you for picking a room for me. You didn’t have to do that. I have a little bit of time to relax before I pack up my things here. Then I have to get ready to come to Vancouver._

My stomach grumbles loudly and I realize I am starving. I put my phone down and go in search of food. I don’t find much here, but grab an apple to tide me over until I decide what I want to order in. I go to the drawer of menus and can’t decide on anything. Before I can think about it, I text Clarke again.

 

> _LEXA: Clarke would you pick Italian or sushi for dinner? I am starved and I just realized have no food here. Even if I did I am too exhausted to cook anything._

I’m not sure why I ask her other than I am curious what she will say. It feels natural to talk to her for some reason. I never know what she is going to say and it is refreshing. She is so different from everyone around me. I find myself curious about Clarke quite often these days. I need to shake this feeling before I get to Vancouver. I can’t afford to let people get too close.

 

> _CLARKE: Um I really like Italian, but only when I make it. So, I guess I would pick sushi?_

I can’t help but chuckle at her admission. So, she is a food snob? That only adds fuel to the fire. I want to know more, but at the same time I know I need to keep my distance. It seems the more I learn about her the more I want to know. To distract myself, I grab the menu and decide what I want, then pick up the phone to order from the place down the street.

 

> _LEXA: Is that your not so subtle way of shaming me because I don’t cook?_

I meant that as a joke. I really hope that doesn’t come across as too bitchy… before I can think too hard about it she responds.

 

> _CLARKE: No not at all. I would never shame anyone for anything. I just love cooking and do it every chance I get._

She cooks? I wonder how that is going to work when I get to Vancouver. Before I can ask her more about it, my food arrives, and our conversation dies out. It's a shame because, I was enjoying this exchange. I tell myself that this is for the best. I can't let her break down my walls. I have worked too hard to build them up. I need to keep my distance from Clarke Griffin, it is best for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I have no idea what I am doing, but I had fun doing it. Comments and Kudos are always appreciated.  
> Any and all mistakes are my own.


	5. Alive Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody knows what will come tomorrow  
> Nobody knows 'til the lights go out  
> Nobody knows who to fight or follow  
> There's only one thing I know right now
> 
> We are, we are, we are  
> Alive tonight  
> Yeah  
> We are, we are, we are  
> Alive tonight

CLARKE

[Alive Tonight by Grace Potter](https://open.spotify.com/track/5SRE7nkE0UgJRdj4ipQd9x)

 

I have been texting with Lexa since that first night. We end up texting each other almost every day, about the most mundane and random things in our day. As each day does on, I find myself looking more and more forward to every one of her texts. Every time something completely random pops in my head I always think about what Lexa would say, or how she would respond. When something happens, or I want to share something with someone, she has become the first person I think of. But at the same time, when it seems like I get Lexa to loosen up even the slightest, some switch is mysteriously flipped, and she clams right back up. Some days it seems like she is flirting with me and others she is completely detached. It’s the detached days that makes me want to press her, but I let it go. Her hot and cold act is so confusing.

Since Raven and I moved up here, she has been around constantly to keep me company. Raven is aware that I have been talking to Lexa, but I don’t know if she knows the extend of it. I decide to keep it to myself for now. Raven has been great. We have explored the city, discovered the best markets near our house, and even found an amazing gym not too far away. We have had a blast and I am so happy she could come experience this with me.

I have had fight training every day since arriving. It is intense and fun, but it is kicking my butt. I am not used to this much physical activity. Then we have rehearsals, script meetings, scene walk throughs and wardrobe fittings. It has been crazy busy, and I am loving every second of it.  I have been bringing Raven to set with me every day. She has been having a blast hanging out with everyone and seeing how all of this works. Everyone seems to enjoy having her around. A few times her yoga training has come in handy helping someone master a move or stretch to prevent injuries. She has also been helping some of the extras with their fighting and as long as it keeps her busy and no one else minds, I think it's awesome.

“Clarke, come here a minute,” the director yells. Crap, did I screw up a scene? Am I late for a call time? I run through the list of things I could possibly be in trouble for and come up empty.

“Clarke that girl is your friend, right?” he barks.

“Um yeah, she is my PA and best friend,” I ask warily, “did she do something? Is she in trouble?”

"No quite the opposite actually. She has improved almost everyone’s techniques and stances. What do you think she would say if we offer her a job?” he says.

I did not see that one coming. I know she has helped everyone and been having fun, but I had no idea she was making that big of an impact. “I really don’t know what she will say, but I think it is an amazing idea,” I say.

I catch up with Raven again in my trailer, after all my scenes are done for the day. She rushes in and practically tackles me before I can even make it all the way inside.

“Whoa Rae, careful it’s been a long day. I don’t want to fall on my face. I’ve got to protect the assets,” I tell her laughing a little.

“Did you know? Why didn’t you tell me? I am so excited.” She is almost bouncing off the walls with excitement.

“I just found out about it this afternoon. I am guessing you said yes?” I ask her.

“Of course, I did. Now I can stay up here with you. I will need to find another place to stay since Lexa is coming in soon. I will worry about that later, but tonight let’s celebrate!!!” she exclaims and drags me out the door.

And that is how I wound up at this club, watching Raven practically have sex with some random dude on the dance floor. She insisted on us going clubbing even though we have no idea where a good club around here is. She told me she asked around set and found this place. We get there to find out that it is one of the most exclusive clubs in the area. I don’t know how she did it, but we got waved right in and led to the private section on the other side of the bar.

Guys have been begging for dances and buying us drinks all night. We have been here a while and at this point my feet need a break from all the dancing. So, I moved back to the table for a minute to rest. I position myself so I can keep an eye on Raven still on the dance floor. We have been here for quite a while and I lost count of the number of drinks we have consumed. I know that Raven has had more to drink than I have, and I am slightly worried for her. She seems ok for now and is still dancing with the last guy that offered. I know we are both drunk though and wish we had someone else with us.

I am to the drunk where the room has started to tilt. I know that I should stay put on this stool for a while. I look over at Raven and try to come up with a plan to get her to come sit too. I come up with a brilliant plan, but am too drunk to carry it out. Since Raven seems to be safe for the moment, I do the one thing I know I shouldn’t do... text Lexa. She has been on my mind all night and I keep wishing she was here with us. I am sober enough to realize that my text is probably not going to be legible, but too drunk to care. It feels like I must talk to her right now.

 

> _CLARKE: LEXAAAAAA!!!! WEHN ARE YOU GTETING HERR!! I AM SO DRAUNK AND RAVEN IS OFF WITH SOME DUUUUDE.  YOU WOLUDN’T LEVAE ME AL9NE AT S9ME CLUB!!!!!!!!!!_

The next thing I remember is hitting the floor after falling out of bed. I don’t recognize my surroundings, and I am so confused. I pull myself up right and see someone else on the bed I just fell from. Shit, did I go home with someone? I don’t think I was drunk enough for that. I try to piece together everything after I text Lexa and small bits and pieces come back to me.

I vaguely remember seeing a tall, beautiful girl with long wavy, mahogany brown hair come up to me. I can remember thinking she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I wanted to stare into those green eyes forever.

I didn't realize it was Lexa until she found me almost passed out at our table. She had a panicked look on her face and quickly made sure I was ok. I kept saying her name repeatedly, not believing she was really there. Then, she made me recite my name, birthday, and do random multiplication problems. I remember laughing so hard at her I nearly fell off my stool and telling her "I don't math" in my most serious voice. Once she was satisfied I was ok and could be left alone for a minute or two, I saw her moving over to Raven on the dance floor. I also remember little snippets of her helping Raven and I to a car and Raven and I singing. There are little snippets and images here and there, but they are so fuzzy my drunk brain can’t decipher them.

I suddenly get really cold and realize I am still on the floor. I look down and realize I am only in an oversized t-shirt and get confused all over again. I look around the room in the dim moonlight, and realize that this looks like my house, but not mine or Raven's room. I sit up further and try to investigate, being as stealthy as my still very drunk self can. I try to stand and almost fall again, when the someone in the bed rolls toward me.

It's Lexa. How did I end up in bed with Lexa? Why is she here early? How did I end up in bed with Lexa? I know I was drunk but didn’t think I was that drunk. Holy shit how did I end up in bed with Lexa? Why is she so beautiful? I vaguely realize I am still very drunk but all I can think about right now is the woman sharing the bed with me. I stand there staring at her in my drunken stupor, frozen in place until she sits up slightly and turns toward me.

“Clarke, stop thinking so hard. I can practically hear the gears moving in your head. Nothing happened last night, but you and Raven being completely wasted. Now lay back down so I can go back to sleep. Get back in bed, I need to make sure you don’t have alcohol poisoning. From what I can tell you two drank a lot last night.” Lexa murmurs in a sexy, raspy, sleepy voice, “I swear I’ll tell you everything in the morning.”

I didn't realize I said some of those things out loud. Normally I would be embarrassed, but I am too drunk and too exhausted to care tonight. I crawl back into the bed next to her, careful to not get too close. I realize that she must have helped me change when we got back and smile. I snuggle deeper into the covers and promptly pass right back out lying next to one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

 

 


	6. Couldn't Stop Caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all for you  
> You get the change and I give the truth  
> It's all for you  
> Take it to depths they never knew
> 
> I couldn't stop, couldn't stop stop caring  
> I couldn't stop, couldn't stop stop caring  
> I couldn't stop, couldn't stop stop caring  
> Couldn't stop, couldn't stop, stop stop caring
> 
> Shot down  
> She's coming like a hurricane  
> Shot down  
> She's in love with the pain

LEXA

[Couldn't Stop Caring by The Spiritual Machines](https://open.spotify.com/track/4Fpcz1NwuHmgsO6wrBChJ7)

 

Clarke is snoring softly, when the light from the windows wakes me. She has curled up on her side and buried her face in the crook of my neck. She has a death grip on my shirt, so I am trapped for the time being. As much as I don't want to admit it, this is a not unpleasant situation to be in. She is an extremely attractive woman and I wish we were snuggled up under different circumstances. I use this opportunity to study her. She is even more stunning in this light, that I had originally thought. Her blonde hair reflects the sunlight and looks like a halo all around us. Her face is so soft and innocent looking right now. I itch to trace the lines of her jaw and down her collarbones with my fingertips. Knowing this is not a good idea, I look around the room to distract myself from that line of thought.

I look around at the room and realize that Clarke was right, this place is amazing. The pictures she sent me didn’t do it justice. From my place on the bed I see a giant walk in closet and the door to the oversized plush bathroom. That bathroom is the stuff of dreams. It looks like it was created for comfort and is absolutely breathtaking. The wall across from the bed is all windows. They look out over the deck to the trees behind the house. The room it’s self is simply decorated, as if it didn’t want to detract from the beauty outside. I am so lost in admiring this place that I momentarily forget about Clarke cuddling into me.

It is short lived though as she shifts in her sleep and snuggles in even closer to me. It snaps me right back to my current situation. I think back to last night to that intelligible text that Clarke sent. I had just landed. and was about to debark the plane in Vancouver. I had planned to spend a few days on the coast away from everyone and everything. I just wanted to disconnect for a few days before starting a new project, but her text really freaked me out. It reminded me too much of what happened with Costia and I went into panic mode. I had to find Clarke. I had to help her. Luckily for me, Raven is always on social media and tweeted photos of them from the club. One quick search of the club’s name and I have directions. It takes no time to get there and I am let right in. I step inside and scan the club for Clarke and Raven.

\--------------------------

_Once I get to the club, it is not hard to find Clarke and Raven. They have a large group of admirers around them. I asked the bartender if he had seen them and he was quick to point me in their direction. He mentioned that guys have been sending them drinks all night and to be careful. Great I knew they were drunk, but I didn’t know they were going to be completely wasted. I am happy I could find them, and upset that they weren’t acting responsible tonight. I don’t want to think about what could happen to them if the circumstances were different._

_As I make my way over there, I see Clarke is mostly asleep at the table.  I scan the dance floor and find Raven is not far away. She is so wasted she is barely able to stand and is currently being felt up by some sleazy guy. Since Clarke is mostly safe at the table, I go rescue Raven. This guy really does not like someone taking his prey away. It's really disgusting how he is acting like Raven is his property. Luckily, he is a pussy and when I got in his face he backed down quickly. I may not be very big, but I have been told I can be intimidating, so I often use it to my advantage._

_I gather both Raven and Clark and pile them in my rental car. It is a good thing I had already programmed my GPS with the house address, because keeping an eye on both of them is already becoming quite the feat. Raven keeps trying to stand up through the sunroof and sing along to the radio at the top of her lungs. Clarke is sleeping but keeps bolting upright like she must throw up, and then sings along with Raven, until she passes back out again._

_After what seems like an eternity, I pull up to the house. Before I can even put the car in park Raven jumps out and rushes inside, leaving me to deal with Clarke alone. As I get to the back door to get her out of the car Clarke bolts up again and rushes out of the car. I find her on the side of the house throwing up and help her inside. I make her eat some crackers, and drink a little water, then coax her to lay down. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, I realize that we are both in my bed, but I am too tired to care. I fall into one of the soundest and most peaceful sleeps I have had in a long time._

\--------------------------

As I lay there staring at the ceiling I start to feel Clarke stirring next to me and take that as my opportunity to get up. Her eyes spring open with my movement and they go wide when they see me next to her in bed.

"I thought that was a dream," she rasps in a sleepy voice.

"Nope, not a dream. You were really drunk and really sick last night. I needed to keep a close eye on you, so here we are," I tell her. 

"Wow, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to get that wasted last night, but Raven can be really persuasive when she wants to be. Apparently last night was one of those times, between her celebrating and all the guys hitting on us it was inevitable. Why do I feel like I drank a gallon of lava and fell from a 10-story building?" She murmurs the last part and I realize she probably didn’t mean to say that part out loud.

 "Well you may have fallen out of the bed in the middle of the night, and as for the lava you did drink a lot last night..." I tell her warily answering her rhetorical question. I don't want to rehash last night or why I rescued her. I don't know if I can handle more thoughts of Costia so soon and definitely not while Clarke is still in my bed.

I get up and head to the kitchen hoping that Clarke will leave this alone. I get myself a glass of juice and stare out the kitchen window trying to regroup. I can't figure out why that message from Clarke freaked me out so much. I can't understand why Clarke freaks me out so much in general. I am so good at keeping people at a distance and she just barged right in and I was helpless to stop it. I hear movement behind me and turn around expecting Clarke, but it's Raven. She thanks me for helping them home and apologizes for them both, saying things got out of hand. She turns and heads toward my room, where I can still see Clarke sitting on my bed. The two of them head upstairs chatting quietly. I can tell Raven is asking her what happened last night, and Clarke replies with a shrug and turns to look at me. We maintain eye contact until she turns down the hall to go to her room.

I had planned on unpacking and getting settled this morning, but this feeling of unease won't let up, so I change into my running clothes and take off. Running has always been an escape for me. It helps me clear my head and ever since Costia, it has been my salvation. When I go for a run I can get away from everyone wanting something from me, get away for all the feelings of inadequateness, the guilt, the pain and focus on nothing but my feet on the ground and the music in my ears.

I have no idea how long I ran or where I am, but it is beautiful, so I sit on a nearby bench to catch my breath and figure out where I am. It looks like I am in a park of some sort but no park I have ever seen looks like this. There are large poles all around that look like totem poles and even larger trees and people everywhere. How did I not notice that? I can hear water nearby but not sure exactly where it is. When I pull out my phone I see a missed call from Clarke and a few texts from her. I decide to ignore those and pull up the map application. I find I am in a park called Stanley Park only a few miles from the house. I guess I ran the long way around because my tracker app shows that I ran 10 miles and have been gone for 3 hours, no wonder they were looking for me.

I shoot a quick text to Clarke letting her know I am ok and just went for a run and then slowly make my way back to the house. I am dreading having to talk to Clarke and really hope to be able to avoid her for the rest of the day. I make it back to the house and it is blissfully silent. I head to my room and lock the door. I shower off all the grime and hope to wash away some of the turbulent feelings that have been plaguing me since I started talking to Clarke. It's not that she reminds me of Costia, because they are total opposites. For some reason talking to Clarke, has opened the Pandora's box of thoughts of Costia, that I thought I had locked down. I have done my best to never experience them again. I am so lost in my thoughts that the water runs cold. I reluctantly step out of the shower and wish I had kept my reservations. I could have really used a retreat from the world for a little while.

I am starving but I am also not ready to face any roommates that may be outside of my room, so I am thankful that I have a granola bar stashed in my bag for the times I don't have time to eat. I sit back on the bed, that Clarke haphazardly made before she left this morning, and stare out the windows. The view really is incredible here, but I am really going to need to get some curtains or something for those days after the night shoots that I know are coming all too soon. I guess I fall asleep looking out the window because I wake with a start. I hear a loud noise and realize that it is someone knocking on my door.


	7. How It's Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know that you always brought but you never brought it back to you  
> Threw yourself in the hands of somebody who wasn’t gonna come through  
> And it’s always a shame watching you ache from the same wound  
> You don’t have to walk through the fire to know that I want you
> 
> We can start with the touch of a hand like a movie scene  
> Moving into the weight that you’ve been wanting to put on me  
> There is no need to be nervous, I know you been looking for love, so  
> Let me show you how it’s done  
> Yeah, I can show you how it’s done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a song that I wrote for this story. It's my first time writing any sort of music, so I am pretty sure it sucks. Please take it easy on me, but if you have any ideas on how to make it better, please hit me up.  
> Thank you for reading and commenting on this story. This story is a labor of love and it is amazing that someone else is enjoying it too.

CLARKE

[How It's Done by Maren Morris](https://open.spotify.com/track/0ZUCKcWdFABozlSmojDyLZ)

 

I am really worried about Lexa. She was gone by the time I came back downstairs. I have been trying to call her for several hours, and she’s not answering. All her things are still in her room, so I know she didn't leave for good. That doesn’t stop me from worrying about her and majorly freaking out. She finally texts me back a little while later letting me know she went for a run. I breathe a sigh of relief. I can’t explain why I was so worried about her, and Raven is too hungover to talk about anything, so I push it aside for now.

We need some groceries and since Lexa is still out, I decide to drag Raven with me shopping. I get all of the ingredients for the meals I am planning to make this week and decide to stock up on fruits and juice too. Lexa seems to like both of those, and since she is not here to shop with us, I decide to get something for her. Raven begs me to get everything to make her favorite dinner tonight. After a night of heavy drinking she always loves for me to make pasta and garlic bread. Something about the carbs soaking up the last of the alcohol. Lexa’s door was closed when Raven and I got back from the store, so I let her be. Now getting dark and she still hasn't emerged. I can admit I am getting a little worried all over again.

I decide that once dinner is done I will knock on her door to see if she will come eat dinner with us. Raven has told me over and over, that I shouldn’t make a big deal about Lexa taking care of us last night. Raven insists I shouldn't feel so guilty about it. For some reason, I can't let it go, because it felt like there was more to it than that. I mean we are basically strangers and, yet she came to rescue Raven and me. She took care of me all night and made me sleep in her bed, just so she could keep an eye on me. I don’t know what it means, but I can’t stop thinking about it. She was so nice about everything. I just don't want her to become the ice princess again.

I can't figure out why her opening up means so much to me, but it does. For some reason, I feel this strong connection with her and I don't want to lose it. I have been thinking about our strange immediate connection a lot for the last few weeks. I am no closer to an answer now, than I was when we first started talking. I get this sense of calmness and peace when we talk, and it is addictive. I love in the fact that she makes me laugh and I get giddy when I hear her laugh at something I said or did.

I knock quietly on her door a few times and as I am about to give up I hear a faint shuffling in her room. The door opens a crack and I see a sleepy Lexa standing there looking at me curiously. Sometimes it feels like she thinks I am going to bite her or something.

"Hey Lexa, I made dinner and wanted to see if you wanted to eat with us," I say. "I made my famous homemade spaghetti and garlic bread sticks," I continue. "I know you said you like Italian, and I wanted to make something to welcome you to Vancouver. I also wanted to apologize again for how we met last night."

I am so embarrassed that I sent her that text last night. It’s even worse that she came and rescued us from the club. I really don’t know many people that would do that for someone they had never met. Why she would do that is another one of the billion things I don't know about Lexa Woods.

“Clarke, it’s ok really,” she says. “I would love some dinner. Let me get changed and I will be right out.” I turn to leave her to it, but as I am leaving I think I hear her whisper something that sounds like “Please be just more careful, Clarke.” Before I can turn around to ask her about it, I hear the door click shut softly.

Raven and I set an extra place at the table and since I don’t know what Lexa wants to drink I get her water. Raven feels better now and is back to her annoying self. She keeps making fun of me over everything. That girl is so frustrating. Lexa comes out a few minutes later and joins us. She just listens while I make fun of Raven for her dirty dancing antics last night.

“Raven, you really need to choose your partners better. That guy was trying to force you to go home with him when I showed up.” Lexa surprises us both. We both look at each other with shocked expressions. Raven is the first to recover.

“No way he wasn’t that bad,” Raven exclaims.

“I had to fight with him to let go of you. I almost punched him, before he realized I was serious. He was determined to have you.” Lexa tells her solemnly.

Raven just mutters a quick thank you under her breath and quickly eats her food. I can tell she is uncomfortable and wants to go hide back upstairs. Lexa doesn’t seem all that interested in chatting tonight either. So, I don’t try to force conversation and let us all eat together in this uncomfortable silence. Raven finishes her dinner in record time and excuses herself to quickly retreat upstairs.

I look back at Lexa once Raven leaves, to find her looking at me. She surprises me by starting up a conversation, once Raven is out of earshot. “Thank you for choosing my room. I love it, but you didn’t have to give me the master bedroom.”

 I laugh at that before I forget she hasn’t been upstairs yet. “All of the bedrooms are spectacular and have attached baths. I thought you might appreciate having space to yourself. That bedroom is the most peaceful one here and for some reason I thought you might like it,” I tell her.

“Well, thank you anyway. I love it. I think I am going to head back to bed. Goodnight, Clarke.” She says heading back to her bedroom.

Well that was odd. I got ditched by my best friend and me new costar in a matter minutes. I put away all the leftovers. I clean up the kitchen a bit and put all the dishes in the dishwasher. It’s only 9 and for some reason I am not really that tired. I grab my Kindle and curl up on the couch with my favorite book, by my favorite author. When I feel off or out of sorts, I always re-read my favorite books and for some reason it helps me relax. The feeling of the familiar in a good book, helps me not feel so alone, or when I get homesick. I have been feeling homesick a lot recently. I don’t know if it is being in a new city or being so far away from my second family in LA, but it sucks. I miss my family in Melbourne and Gus in LA, and even though Raven is here with me, I miss her too. We have been so busy we haven’t had much time to just hang out.

I need to tell Lexa that Raven got a role on the show. I also really need to figure my shit out with Finn. I am tired of the set feeling divided between the two of us. I need to figure out how to put aside my feelings and work with him. I guess this means we are going to have to have a major conversation soon. I am not looking forward to that. My mind is so jumbled right now, even my go to book isn’t helping. I decide to give up on reading and watch mindless TV from the comfort of my bed upstairs. I am heading up when I hear what sounds like Lexa having a nightmare. I move closer to her door, I guess I want to help her in some way, but it seems to have passed because there is only silence now. Once again, I find myself wondering about all that is, Lexa Woods.

I head upstairs still distracted and put my pajamas on. I decide to check on Raven and find she is already asleep, so I settle in, to see if I can relax enough to sleep. I get frustrated that I am not able to focus on any show I pick, and even my favorite movies don't hold much appeal tonight. As a last-ditch effort, I decide to grab my guitar and go sit on the balcony. Maybe playing a little while will help me relax.

I have always loved playing my guitar, but ever since I moved to LA to pursue my dream, it has been my one solace. It has helped me feel closer to my siblings since they all create music too. We share videos back and forth and even jam together over FaceTime. Video chatting has made this all distance so much easier.

I love it out here on the balcony. It was one of the reasons I chose this room. It feels like you are in the middle of nowhere with the glass railing and the amazing view of the forest. It is so peaceful and the perfect place to be alone with your thoughts.

I start strumming a familiar tune and quietly sing along and it instantly starts to relax me. It's amazing what a little music can do to relax me. I love playing some of my favorite songs. It is how I originally started playing. So, I keep playing my favorites and after each one my smile gets bigger and I am more relaxed.

After a while I grab my notebook and start writing ideas for a new song. I start messing around with different structures and chords. I jot down lyric ideas and things I am thinking about. I start to put them all together and before I know it, I have a whole song written about Lexa. I put all my frustrations, concerns, questions, feelings, and thoughts about her on the page and it feels good to get all of that out.

> _You are such a mystery to me_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _There is more that I can’t see_
> 
> _How do you make me feel so whole?_
> 
> _You are such a mystery to me_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _Please, let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Just let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Thinking about you_
> 
> _Hot and cold is not alright_
> 
> _What you put me through_
> 
> _But I hate to say goodnight_
> 
> _I just need you to let me in_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _Please, let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Just let me in, let me in_
> 
> _I don't want you to go_
> 
> _I don't know how to get you to talk_
> 
> _I don't know how to get the words to flow_
> 
> _I don't know how to get you to not walk_
> 
> _How do I show this is not an act?_
> 
> _I don’t know how to be your rock_
> 
> _How do I get you to react?_
> 
> _How do I get you to let me in?_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _Please, let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Just let me in, let me in_
> 
> _You are such a mystery to me_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _There is more that I can’t see_
> 
> _How do you make me feel so whole?_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _Please, let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Just let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Thinking about you_
> 
> _Hot and cold is not alright_
> 
> _What you put me through_
> 
> _I hate to say goodnight_
> 
> _You cloud my head, but calm my soul_
> 
> _Please, let me in, let me in_
> 
> _Just let me in, let me in_

It needs some work, but I like the general idea and I feel much better. I feel lighter having gotten some of my feelings for Lexa on the page. I glance at my phone and realize that is really late. I have a few notifications, but the one that catches my eye is a text from Lexa. I have a few other notifications and a text from Finn. I don’t know if I am ready to talk to Finn right now, so I look at Lexa's text.

> _LEXA: Your voice is beautiful. I'm sorry I didn't mean to listen in, but I was out on my balcony too and couldn't help it._

Holy shit I forgot I wasn't alone here anymore. She heard her song, shit, I mean my song about her. I really hope she doesn't realize it was about her.

> _CLARKE: Thank you. I wasn’t aware I had an audience. I am sorry if I kept you up. I am done for the night, so you don’t have to worry about the noise._

I don’t expect a response from her, so I turn off my phone. I hope she wasn’t too upset about my playing. I am not used to having someone else around here that would be bothered by my guitar on this side of the house. I head inside and quickly drift off to a more restful sleep than I expected.


	8. I Don't Know Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We could be strangers in the night  
> We could be passing in the shadows  
> We couldn't be closer if we tried  
> When we're caught in the headlights  
> We could be faces in the crowd  
> We could be passing in the shadows  
> Upping the risk of being found  
> When we're caught in the headlights  
> Dangerous  
> Your love is always dangerous  
> And now I'm lost in us  
> We're livin' in a lying trust  
> I don't know why, but I guess it's got something to do with you  
> To do with you  
> I don't know why, but I guess it's got something to do with you  
> To do with you

LEXA

[I Don't Know Why by Imagine Dragons](https://open.spotify.com/track/6mXFjc0VbW0vs8UeEkT85r)

 

I have been sitting out on the balcony since I ran away from Clarke. I have no idea why I ran away, but I panicked. Dinner was so uncomfortably awkward. I know it was my fault, but it has been so long since I have lived with someone or opened up to anyone, I am so rusty. Who am I kidding I am so awkward with people. It feels like I am back in high school and it’s the first day of classes all over again. I was just as clueless and awkward then, as I am now.

I have always been a shy, quiet person, but for some reason I really want to make a good impression on my roommates. I failed at that tonight, but after our first meeting last night, I didn’t know how to act. Clarke makes me want to be a better/different person. I want to have the type of friendship with her that she has with Raven and that is terrifying. I haven’t had any close friends since college. After Costia I shut that part of myself down and kept everyone at a distance. It has been so long since I let anyone in. I am so uncomfortable in the getting to know you stage with people.

It is weirdly easy to talk to Clarke, but I am not sure why I am so awkward talking to Raven. I know we didn’t have the best first impression was last night, but I don’t have that same easy relationship with her that I have with Clarke. Somehow even though Clarke and I have only been talking for a few weeks it feels like we have known each other forever. I can usually be polite and hold a conversation with people. I don’t know what got into me tonight, but everything about it was awkward. I know Raven was upset over the way she behaved last night, but I don’t know why Clarke was standoffish the whole meal too. We have become comfortable texting, and I was hoping that would translate to life, but I guess not.

The food was amazing. I can’t believe Clarke made all of that by herself. I curse myself when I realize I forgot to tell Clarke how delicious it all was. I can’t believe I didn’t offer to help her clean up, my parents would be so disappointed. I hear her cleaning up everything on her own, after she cooked such a wonderful meal and I am torn between hiding here and going back to help her. I don’t think I can face her again tonight after running away, so I decide to stay put where I am.

I find myself thinking more about Clarke than I should. I realize I want to know everything about this girl. It already feels like we have known each other forever, but there is still so much I don’t know about her. And I greedily want to know it all. I know it is a bad idea, but I can’t help myself. I am drawn to this girl more than anyone I have ever met. This instant connection between us is fascinating and I really want to explore it more. I just don’t know how to go about letting people in. I don’t know why but I keep going over everything I have learned about Clarke these last few weeks and all the things I want to learn about her. I keep seeing those stunning blue eyes every time I think about her and I find myself smiling once again. Her eyes sparkle when she laughs, and I think I would do just about anything to see that and hear her laughing more often.

I must have I fallen asleep for a little bit, because I wake with a start. My heart is racing, and I realize I had a nightmare about Costia. I frantically try to shake myself out of the dream but end up in a panic, not realizing where I am. I finally shake off my dream state and thing about all the dreams I keep having dreams about Costia. They all revolve around her calling me the night she died and the fight we had before she left for the party. This time however, my brain keeps changing the events and putting Clarke’s voice as the one calling out to me. I am so shaken by Clarke appearing in the dream, that I almost fall out of my chair. I decide the fresh air would be better for me that trying to head to bed, so I decide to stay out here.

It is peaceful and beautiful out here. I am content to be alone out here lost in my own thoughts. I have no idea I have been sitting here but I notice it is starting to get chilly, so I go in to grab a blanket and my Kindle. I want to be comfortable, so I can sit out here and soak up the peace for a while longer. I don’t know why I am craving serenity and tranquility so much these last few weeks. Since I started talking to Clarke I have craved peace and solitude more than ever. It goes hand in hand with wanting to talk to her more and more. Every time we would text it would be like coming home or wrapping up in your favorite blanket. It felt safe and comfortable. It is something I never knew I would crave as much as I do. The question is what do I do about it.

I come back out to the small chair I brought out here earlier and curl up with my blanket. I open my Kindle and get comfy to read. I let myself have this small slice of solitude knowing that soon I will be back on set and quiet time is going to be hard to come by. I open to one of my all-time favorite books and settle in for another re-read. Reading is one of the things that help me to relax and calm down after a nightmare. I have become all too familiar to calm down after rough nights, and I am happy that I have this small escape to distract my mind. I usually work so hard to exhaust myself for the day, so I don’t give my brain a chance to think about her, but the nightmares have been coming more frequently lately. I know they intensified when I started talking to Clarke, but I can’t figure out why. This girl is a relative stranger to me, yet I feel a strong pull to her. My mind has intertwined her and Costia and it is unsettling.

After a while I get lost in my book and forget all about everything around me. I am startled when I hear some movement from the deck above me. I can’t stop myself, I begin wondering if that’s Clarke up there. I am secretly happy that I don’t have to wait too long to get my answer.  I hear the first chords of one of my favorite songs, I Miss You by Incubus, a few minutes later. It sounds slightly different than I am used to, so I know that someone is playing it on a guitar.

After listening for a little bit, I hear a beautiful raspy voice start singing the words softly. I know immediately that it must be Clarke playing and singing the song. She finishes that song and plays a few more songs that sound just as amazing as the first. I feel like I am having my own personal concert and I cannot force myself go inside even though I probably should. It feels like I am intruding on a private moment, but I am completely enthralled by her. The bigger question is why her? What is it about this woman that I can’t get out of my head?

She stops playing for a few minutes and I hear her shuffling around above me. Then, I hear her start singing again and this time I don’t recognize the song. The music and signing stop periodically and I hear her moving around a bit. She keeps repeating parts and the music sounds different and sometimes the way she sings the words are different. I realize that this may be something she is writing and not someone else’s song. I feel like I am intruding even more now, but I can’t help but stay put, to hear more. I can’t make out all the words but what I can hear is sad and haunting and beautiful all at the same time. I can't help but wonder who or what inspired her to write a such a beautiful song about them. For some reason I feel a small twinge of jealousy and secretly and very selfishly, I wish she was writing about me.

For some reason, I have the ardent desire to tell her how beautiful her music is. And before I can talk myself out of it or change my mind I send her a text telling her. I don’t expect a reply from her, but I laugh a little at the surprised gasp I hear above me. I didn’t mean to startle her, but it was good to laugh a little. I move to go inside when a alert from my phone stops me.

> _CLARKE: Thank you. I wasn’t aware I had an audience. I am sorry if I kept you up. I am done for the night, so you don’t have to worry about the noise._

The message is so un-Clarke like I feel the need to reassure her.  So I quietly mutter, “It’s ok Clarke it really, it was really beautiful and I enjoyed listening. You are talented,” I tell her in earnest. “Goodnight, Clarke.” I say even more softly and head back inside. I am really exhausted even after my accidental nap this afternoon. I suspect it has more to do with the long emotional rescue I had last night and the draining nightmare I had just now, than anything. I get ready for bed and crawl under my covers thinking about what Clarke is doing.

It doesn’t take long for me to fall into a deep sleep thinking of a smiling blue-eyed woman. The peace doesn’t last long, and I am once again plagued by dreams of my time with Costia. I sleep fitfully the rest of the night and decide to distance myself from Clarke until I can get these turbulent feelings under control.


	9. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're riding paper airplanes  
> Can't see the string  
> You cover up the poison, with poetry  
> You traded roses and left me sorry  
> My only grievance is a broken dream
> 
> When you finally find yourself  
> Tell him I said, tell him I said  
> When you finally find yourself  
> Tell him I said, tell him I said  
> "Goodbye"  
> "Goodbye"

CLARKE

[Goodbye by Echosmith](https://open.spotify.com/track/161XtFcwPg4CPcicsC5FNz)

 

I had a tough time falling asleep last night, after realizing that Lexa heard the song I was writing about her. I am so embarrassed. I can’t believe that I forgot that she is on this side of the house. I guess my little song writing secret spot will have to be relocated now. I know she said she didn’t mind, but I still feel like I was bothering her. I toss and turn and know that I am going to be in a shit mood in the morning.  

The next morning comes way too fast for me. As predicted, I am in a shitty mood. I don’t know if it is from my lack of sleep or the hot and cold from Lexa. Either way today is going to be a shit show. We have an early production meeting and then a long day. This whole week is going to be crazy with training and shooting. I have some major fights and stunts to work on this week and I know that some of them are with Lexa. I hope we can at least be civil even if she doesn’t want to be friends. I don’t want tension on set to be any higher than it is when Finn is around. I need to head out, but I am reluctant to get my ass kicked all day. I hate working out and most of my day is fight training. I am so not looking forward to this with my shitty mood. I do what I do best and put on a happy face for everyone around me and hope I can keep the façade up.

We are having a production meeting this morning to introduce the new cast members and the new characters. I have a feeling that they are going to introduce Raven and Lexa first. I am excited for Lexa’s character to shake things up a bit. This episode is the first time we see Lexa's character, The Commander. Our characters have this epic fight scene in the middle of a battle. It is going to be awesome once they get it filmed, but all the training has been kicking my ass since I started production a few weeks ago. I am not athletic at all, but they do a good job of making it look like I am. I have been busting my ass to make this look as awesome as I can. I have been training with the stunt team on this scene as much as I can, and I know they have a lot more intensive training planned for the next few days. And we are going to have to start training on our fight and walking through the scenes with Lexa.

I go downstairs to get my morning Coke and a banana, before I head out. I and not surprised to see that Lexa has already left, but it makes me wonder if I am I running late? I check my watch and see that I still don't have to be on set for another hour. I wonder why she left so early. I enjoy my Coke and the peaceful morning out on the main balcony while I wait for Raven to come down. I give her 15 minutes and when she doesn’t appear I make my way upstairs to make sure she is awake. They are announcing her role in our morning meeting so, I know she needs to be there. I am surprised to find her fully dressed and ready sitting on her bed staring out in space.

"Hey, Rae everything ok?" I question her. She jumps like I scared her and blinks in my direction, as if she is shaking off her daydream.

"Clarke, I am really nervous about this. I have never acted before and I think I am in over my head." She admits shakily.

"Raven, what the hell! You had me worried there for a minute. You will be great, and they wouldn't have offered you a part if they didn't think you would be great. Plus, I think your character is some sort of computer guru that likes to blow things up. How could you not kill that role?" I tell her.

She looks at me with wide eyes and gets really excited over again. "I thought you didn't know anything about this role they wanted to offer me." She exclaims.

"I heard rumors about them bringing on someone for a computer role around set and I know it isn't Lexa, so it must be you." I say shrug and tell her calmly. "But if we don't leave now we are both going to miss this meeting." I continue.

She follows me downstairs and we head out. When we get to the meeting most of the cast is already here and sitting at their "spot" for our table reads. Someone has added a chair next to mine and there is a name card for Raven there and a script. I grab us a water from the side table and a few bagels and take my seat next to a completely shell-shocked Raven.

The director for this week's episode calls the meeting to order. He goes over the plot and the shooting schedule for the episode and the reality that I have a lot of stunt scenes this week hits me. I knew I had a lot of stunts, but with this schedule this is going to be a very long week. I guess I was lost in my thoughts, because all of a sudden, I hear applause and realize that they have started to introduce Lexa. They start to go into details about her character and what she is bringing to the show. He goes on about her acting asks Lexa to say a few words.

"Hello everyone, my name is Lexa Woods and I am really excited to join you guys. The commander is here to shake things up a little bit and give Taylor a run for her money in the kick ass female department. I can’t wait to get started." She says simply.

Everyone cheers and soon the director has to calm everyone down and call the meeting back to attention. He picks right back up and talks a little about the stunt training we are doing this week and how intense it is going to be. I shake my head and think about how much this is going to suck. He starts talking more about Raven and how she has been helping with the training since arriving. He goes on about how much the cast enjoyed her being around set and helping out.

“Without further ado, let me introduce our newest cast member Raven Rayes. You may have seen her around set the last few weeks. She is a close friend to our Clarke and has been making herself useful helping the stunt coordinators out. Raven will be playing Morgan. Morgan is a computer and mechanical genius that also has some bad ass fighting skills.”

Everyone cheers and yells for Raven. She is getting choked up next to me, so I give her the biggest hug I can. When we break apart the director asks Raven to say a few words.

She stands and takes a bow and then says, "I am so excited to be here. Thank you all for your support and not getting too mad at my suggestions with training. I can't wait to get started."

 With that we start the table read and go through the first third of the script before taking a break. We all get up and mingle a bit. So many people come over to congratulate Raven. We end up chatting with Octavia for a bit about Raven being a part of the cast. I see Finn out of the corner of my eye trying to make his way over to us. Raven heads off to chat with some of the cast and crew she has become friends with, making it easier for Finn to approach.

I notice that Lexa is still at the table and move in her direction to avoid Finn. I notice several others moving away from him when he approaches, and I can’t contain my chuckle. My small laugh gets Lexa’s attention and she looks up from her phone briefly and makes eye contact. I make my way over to Lexa. She looks over my shoulder and notices Finn approaching behind me. She breaks the eye contact and goes back to her phone leaving me no choice but to acknowledge Finn behind me. I go over to the snack table to get another water and he follows. He gets in my space and reaches out to touch my face. I freak out a little bit and jerk away from his touch.

“Finn, what the fuck do you think you are doing?” I practically seethe in his direction. “I said we could be civil, but that is about it. I don’t want anything to do with you. Please just leave me alone.”

“But, Clarke we were so good together. Give me a second chance, please? Come on, Clarke.” He is laying it on so thick I feel like I am choking. I don’t know how I missed him being this much of a creep when we were dating. I start to respond to him, and possibly draw even more attention to us, but I see everyone start to file back into the room. Luckily, I can make my escape in the crowd and I am spared from having to respond by the meeting being called back to order. I have never been so happy to go to a meeting in my entire life.

I glance at Lexa on my way back to my spot to find her watching me closely. When she notices me looking at her she ducks her head away and buries it back in her phone. For some reason I feel the need to explain what that was all about to her, but I feel like she may be avoiding me. I don’t know what happened between us, but I know I am really, really getting tired of her hot and cold attitudes. I don’t know what I can do to make things more comfortable between us. My mind keeps going to Lexa the rest of the meeting and before I realize it the meeting is over and it’s time to start training.


	10. Steady As She Goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well here we go again  
> You've found yourself a friend that knows you well  
> But no matter what you do  
> You'll always feel as though you tripped and fell
> 
> So steady as she goes  
> Steady as she goes

LEXA

[Steady As She Goes by The Raconteurs](https://open.spotify.com/track/19iqWNzp5LwEdvntpEK8MP)

 

I can see Clarke approaching out of the corner of my eye and pretend to be busy on my phone. I answer emails I have been putting off and send a text to my agent and manager, all to avoid the inevitable. I know that I am going to have to talk to her at some point, but I don’t want to do it in this room. I see her head toward the snack table being followed by that creepy guy Finn. They get into what looks like a heated argument and I am warring with myself about stepping in. For some reason I feel the need to save Clarke, even though I know she can handle herself.

I am saved by everyone filing back in, forcing Clarke to go back to her seat. I pretend I don't see the hurt look on her face that I ignored her as she makes her way back to her seat. I made sure when I came in early that I would not be sitting near her or across from her.  I know it's silly, but I just need space. We are going to be together most of the week in training and shooting our scenes and I need to keep my distance from set, to try to keep my sanity.

The rest of the table read is uneventful and I am really enjoying this script and The Commander or Heda as she is known in the language used for the show. We are done with the read through just before lunch and it is time for fight training. We break for lunch and I avoid Clarke by hiding in the costume trailer. I needed to check out my costumes and make sure they fit anyway, so I am killing two birds with one stone. They were sent my measurements since I couldn't be here and for the most part they are perfect, but there are always some changes.  I make some notes for the seamstress as I try each piece on, and let them know that I can come back as needed to stand for adjustments and try on the modified pieces. I realize that I have been here for about 45 minutes and make my way back toward the training gym.

I get changed into my workout clothes and start stretching. No one is here yet and I am very happy for the peace and quiet to get my mind into the scenes we are practicing today. The scene is the first meeting between Clarke and I's characters and it is not a happy meeting. She has just killed some of my warriors trying to save her people and I am supposed to be furious. I can use my confusion and anger at myself over Clarke to make it seem real, so this should be a breeze. I love it when I can channel my real feelings into a scene. We have a major fight during the scene too and the artful choreography of this fight is going to be cathartic. I love being able to channel my feelings and energy into something that is going to look so amazing on screen. It is one of my favorite parts of acting.

The stunt coordinators arrive and introduce themselves. They all tell me how excited they are to work with me and it all feels odd. I have only had one movie that I got to do fun action scenes in and I didn't think they were that impressive, but everyone seems sure I can do this. They start walking me through how to use the swords and some of the basic moves I am going to be doing today. My character is a warrior that has been training since she was young, so I know I have my work cut out for me. I really need her to be a complete bad ass.

We spend a while on the basics. I am happy all of the running I do helps me be light on my feet and doing fight scenes. I have always been athletic and in shape, so I get the fight basics down pretty fast. I can tell that they are pleasantly surprised with my ability. I start to feel pretty good about the stunts. They start showing me more advanced moves and move on to sword work. I have never held a sword before, but I am loving it. They start telling me about my character’s ability with a sword and we focus on learning the basics of using the sword. This is way more fun than I would have ever thought it would be. I start to get in a rhythm and my mind wanders. I start to think of a certain blonde and about what I witnessed earlier. What is the deal with her and Finn? I know the guy is a douche, but Clarke is always nice to everyone. He must have done something to really piss her off. My mind wanders so far that I completely lose focus on what I am doing and get taken down. I get frustrated, but get right back up to keep going. I can’t get Clarke out of my head though and keep getting distracted. I find myself glancing at the door several times hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I can’t control it anymore and I think that frustrates me even more. We take a water break and move to the next section. I think they could tell I was getting frustrated.

The next thing for me to learn is the choreography for the fight, I keep looking at the doors waiting for Clarke to arrive. I would have thought she would be here for this part. I guess I was more obvious than I thought, because Jennifer, one of the stunt coordinators, says "Who are you looking for? Clarke? She is training in another room this morning. She has been learning this stuff for the last few weeks. They wanted you to catch up on the basics. You needed to be up to speed before practicing the fight scene today."

"Oh, ok," I say trying to sound unaffected, "Where were we?" And just like that we are back at it. They teach me basic hand to hand combat that my character would practice and incorporate it in the fight in ways that I wouldn’t have thought of. They start adding moves and using the techniques that I was the best at earlier in the day. I get lost in the movements and before I know it we are moving on. We move on to more advanced combat techniques and combinations. I get sidetracked and distracted again and I keep getting my ass handed to me. I start to get frustrated and start to feel the exhaustion. I can’t get Clarke out of my head while I am training. I keep getting distracted by my thoughts and that frustrates me even more. I think they can tell because they both start taking it a little easier on me.

"Damnit, stop taking it easy on me!! I need to make this realistic and getting my ass kicked is part of that.' I huff out in a frustrated breath.

"Ok Lexa. Let's take a water break. Then we will walk you through the moves step by step and get back to it. Sound good?" Jennifer asks me calmly.

I nod my agreement, afraid I will yell at someone if I open my mouth. I decide it is better to go grab my water and take a breather. I rest for about 5 minutes and get up ready to start again. My whole body is sore, and I know that if I didn't run so much I would be one of the walking dead. I just need to work on keeping Clarke out of my head and this will be so much easier. I repeat my mantra of “Love is Weakness” over and over in my head until I start to believe it.

We get back to training and I am much more focused now. It feels more natural This fight training is seriously intense, but I am having so much fun. I finally master some of the more advanced techniques, defenses and moves. I am feeling pretty good about the training. We are taking another water break when a few more trainers come in followed by Clarke.

I try to hide my surprise that she is here, but I feel my face heating up. I see Jennifer smirking at me from the other side of the room. I make a mental note to talk about it later. I take a deep breath and put my heartless mask back on. I need to keep focused and detached for this to work. I just have to keep my mind off of Clarke for the rest of the afternoon, which is going to be more difficult than I thought with her so close. They have us run through a few warm up moves and when they are satisfied that we are skilled enough to move on we get started.

I guess that means I have progressed enough to practice the scene. The stunt coordinators show us step by step what the fight is going to look like and there is so much going on it is a blur to me. They go through it a few more times going faster each time until it looks real. I have never done a true fight scene like this, so I am lost. Luckily, they take pity on me and have us practice small bits of the overall fight at a time. Then they have us run through several small bits at a time. We keep going over and over practicing each bit until it becomes second nature.

I am surprisingly able to focus on what I am doing and not the woman in front of me. Although I am positive if it was anyone else my concentration would still be shot. I am in awe of her skills as we practice, and I have to work to keep my face neutral the entire time. Especially when she gets excited she got a piece right and does a little happy dance. I am guessing the trainers are used to it from here though because they all just laugh and motion for us to run it again.

After what feels like an eternity, we are able to get through the first half of the scene in one go but I am exhausted. I take one look at Clarke and can tell she is too. I look at the clock and notice it is getting late, so I tell them that I am beat and need to call it a day. Jennifer makes sure to come over and encourage me. She also tells me to drink lots of water and take a hot shower or bath when I get home. I look at her questioningly and she just tells me to trust her. I laugh and agree. The trainers make sure we stretch really well before leaving and make plans for us to meet here again early tomorrow morning.

I rush out the door and go back to my trailer to change. I can tell that Clarke wants to say something or talk to me, but I leave so fast that she doesn’t have a chance to. I make sure to change as quickly as possible and make it look like I have already left set. I really want to be alone for a bit. Avoiding Clarke has been harder than I expected but she has enough to do on set and with Raven that I should be ok to leave here and escape to my room soon.


	11. Let It Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know you feel it because it's getting so hot  
> Out of control, see? I'm gonna blow up your spark  
> You lit the spark, now you ain't stopping these flames  
> You rolled the dice, now I'm gonna murder this game
> 
> Please, just let go, 'cause I'm on the edge  
> The sky, it is turning a crimson red (ah-woo)  
> Flick on the lighter, pull it 'til it hurts  
> You started the fire, baby, I'mma let it burn

CLARKE

[Let It Burn by ZZ Ward](https://open.spotify.com/track/5N0hadBUg7PRyppjz4c6nK)

 

Today was a long and exhausting day, both mentally and physically. Fight training always kicks my ass, but today especially. I wanted to talk to Lexa, but she kept avoiding me every time I tried. On top of that Finn has been texting me all day and trying to pull me aside to "chat" every chance he gets. I need to sit him down to talk soon, but I really don't want to and that makes it so much more difficult. Between dealing with Finn and not being able to get my mind off Lexa I am completely worn out.

I was so stuck in my head through most of our practices, that I nearly got my ass kicked several times. I am used to getting my ass kicked in training, but today it was so bad that I could have gotten hurt. I think they took pity on my sorry ass and combined our training, just so they wouldn’t have to put up with me being so terrible anymore. I have been training for this since I arrived a few weeks ago, but some days my brain refuses to cooperate with my body. Today was definitely one of those days. Add in Lexa looking all bad ass and being perfect at this and I am not in a good mood. I can’t believe that Finn keeps pulling this shit though. I would have thought he would get the message already.

I have made my peace with Finn and the way he treated me, but I have not come to peace with the way that he made me look like a fool when came back. He is acting like I should have known what he was doing all along and wanted to stay with him. I am still so pissed off at myself for the whole thing. Looking back, I can see the warning signs, but isn't that how it always works. I was so blissfully in love with him, that I ignored the late-night phone calls, the out of town meetings and all the 1,000 other warning signs. Who would have thought that instead of getting married he would fake his death? Who does that? I get more and more pissed off every time I think about the whole thing. What I don't know is if I am more pissed at him or myself.

I am dead on my feet when we finally call it a day. I try to talk to Lexa before we leave, but she practically runs out of the room before I can catch her. I really don't know what I did for her to avoid me so much, but for some reason it really hurts. I gather my things and head to my trailer to change before I head home. I pass Lexa's trailer on the way to mine and it is dark, like she has already left. Another wave of sadness comes over me that she is going to such extremes to avoid me. I hope I get to talk to her soon and ask her what I did.

I get changed and go in search of Raven. I find her with Octavia hanging out on the set, watching the last battle scene shot of the day. I make my way over to them and give Raven a big hug asking her how her first day was. I sound like a proud mom with a kid on the first day of school, but I don't care. She's my BFF, my Rae. They both start laughing at me, but I can see how happy Raven is and that is all that matters to me.

"Clarke a few of us are going to a bar to celebrate our new cast mates tonight," Octavia says, "Wanna come with?"

"We are also going to celebrate me moving out!!!" Raven says. I look at her with a stunned expression on my face. I had no idea she was moving out so fast. She senses my confusion and continues. "Octavia needs a roommate and the network wants me to find a new place, so we are going to move in together. Hopefully near you guys, so I can keep eating all your delicious cooking. Isn't it exciting?" Raven continues. "Come out with us tonight, Clarke, please? It will be fun."

"Rae, I am exhausted. It was a rough training day. I had to fight Lexa for more than half of it. She is really strong, I mean freakishly strong, and kicked my ass all day. I just want a really hot shower, some Tylenol and my bed, in that order.” I tell them, not mentioning the other stuff going on in my head.

"You didn't even mention food, what happened to my best friend? Is she still in there? You are always hungry and never miss a meal." She jokes.

"I am so tired I don't know if I can eat. I'm out guys. See you tomorrow. And Raven, be safe tonight." I tell her walking away.

I drive home on autopilot, completely exhausted. I realize I need some food or I will not be a happy camper in the morning. Most people would have picked something up or just ordered takeaway. Not me, most of the time my cooking is better than anything I can buy, so I decide to whip something up. I look at the contents of the pantry and decide on mac and cheese. It is a guilty pleasure and super easy to make. It only takes about 5 minutes put together and then bake for a bit. I really needed the comfort food tonight, I realize, as I devour it all right out of the pan. I guess I was hungrier that I realized.

Lexa's door is closed again, and I can’t stop myself from wondering if she ate anything tonight. I consider knocking and asking her, but decide against it. She is avoiding me for some reason, so I will just give her space to work it out. I hope she figures it out soon, thought. I miss talking to her. I don’t know why she is always on my mind, but I work to force those thoughts out of my head. I don’t need to be worrying about her, with the way she is treating me. I tell myself I am too exhausted to deal with her tonight and head upstairs. I take a quick shower and can barely hold my head up by the time I get out. My bed is calling my name and as soon as my head hits the pillow I am out.

 

* * *

 

I am jolted awake by loud music early the next morning and it takes me a few minutes to remember it is my alarm. I look at the time and it is ungodly early. Why would I set my alarm so early? It takes me a few more minutes to remember my early training call time and drag myself out of bed. I know that I am going to be training or in costume all day, so I don't spend much time getting ready. I grab a coke and banana and head out the door. I notice that Lexa is already gone again this morning, and a tiny flicker of hurt comes from that. Before I can figure out why that hurt me, I realize I am going to be late. I am a horrible morning person, and I am always almost running late, especially when I have an early call time. I don’t have any time to spare this morning thinking about my mysterious roommate, running hot and cold.

I get to set a few minutes early and stash my stuff in my trailer and eat my banana. I like having a minute to myself before I start on set for the day. I enjoy the solace and the calm before the storm, when I can get it. I make my way to the training facility and see Lexa is already there chatting with the stunt coordinators she was working with yesterday. I am still trying to give her space to work through whatever it is that she is thinking, so I go through my stretching routine and wait for our training to begin.

While I am waiting to begin for the day, I see Finn pop his head into the room. He struts over to me and all but demands that I have a word with him in the hall. I look around and see a concerned look on Lexa's face, but I ignore it just like she has been ignoring me and go out in the hall with Finn. He rounds on me the second we get out in the hall and backs me into the wall.

"Where were you last night, Clarke?" He asks getting in my face.

"I went home and went to bed. What does it matter to you?" Now I am getting pissed. I fire back vehemently. I am practically seething by now. Who in the hell does he think he is?

"Everyone went out last night and I thought you would be there. You were supposed to be there. I was there just for you. I really want to talk to you.” He starts getting even closer to me and brings a hand to my cheek, “I think we should get back together, Clarke. We were so good together. Look at us we are the stars of this show. We belong together." He is so smug about his declarations. It just makes me more mad, so I let him have it.

"Finn, we have been over this before! This is the last time I will tell you we are over and will always be over. You put me through hell and made a fool of me. I will never forgive you for that. People that belong together don’t treat each other the way you treated me.” I yell back at his face forcing him to back up a few steps.

I am on so pissed that I am on the verge of angry tears when Lexa pops her head out into the hallway and says, "We are ready to begin, Clarke."

I have never been happier to see her than I am right now. I don't know how she knew I needed an escape, but I am so happy she was here. I pause just inside the door to collect myself and lock eyes with Lexa. She seems concerned but also having an internal conflict whether she should or can care. I choose to ignore her for now. After dealing with Finn I don’t want to get into it with Lexa too.

Mind made up and moderately calmer, I look away first and move to get ready to start training. I get into position and wait for Lexa to get into position. They start with the stuff we learned yesterday, making sure that we remember the movements. We go over each little section several more times and then put the whole first part of the sequence together. After running through it several times all together we move on to the next section and the next. Until it all blurs together but my muscle memory starts to kick into and do the work for me.

I let my mind wander back to whatever Finn was going on about earlier and that leads me to think about Lexa. She is so hot and cold, and I don’t know what to do about it. We had a good friendship going before she moved here and now I just keep fucking it up. I don’t even know what is causing it or how to stop it. I move to duck out of the way of a punch from Lexa and end up getting punched in the jaw. I was a second too slow and she didn’t have time to pull her punch. The next thing I remember is hitting the ground. I open my eyes with more difficulty that I would think and instantly I see Lexa above me checking to make sure I am ok. My jaw is throbbing, and I am a little dizzy, but I am not too badly injured. I will be sore for a while and probably dizzy for a little longer, but it could have been worse. Lexa helps me stand up and I realize I am ok but a little more unsteady than I would like, so we call a break for lunch a little early.

I move around the room a bit to make sure I am good to walk around on my own and ignore everyone trying to help. I just want to be alone for a bit. I know it was an accident, but my pride is not that forgiving. I need to sulk over getting knocked out so easily before I talk to anyone. Luckily since it’s early, there is no one in craft services yet. I get a big bag of ice and end up grabbing one of my favorite breakfast sandwiches while I am over there. Items in hand I go to my trailer to relax for a bit.

I need to compress and hopefully put the ice on my face to minimize the swelling and bruising. I wolf down my sandwich in 2 bites, I guess I was hungrier than I thought, so I grab one of my stashed granola bars to hold me over until our next break. I get comfy on the couch with the ice on my jaw and try to get my focus back. The incident with Finn this morning really rattled me, but for some reason I think Lexa's reaction bothered me more. She was so protective, and the look on her face was almost like she wanted to murder Finn, but somehow, she still came off as cold and distant. If I hadn’t see her eyes I would have believed the mask she put on. There have been too many times lately where I want to rip that impassive mask off her face and see the real Lexa. I don’t know if that is possible, but with Lexa I am always surprised.

I don’t understand why she would jump in to save me, yet stay so distant. I could see the fear and pain in her face when she was checking on me, so I know this friendship is not completely one sided. The problem is that I am not sure I want it to stay just friendship. Hanging out with Lexa and talking to her is effortless, fun, and made me feel something. I don’t know how to describe it, but it just felt right. I don’t want to lose that feeling.

I start thinking about Finn’s behavior and I know that I am going to have to do something about him. I was hoping that we could peacefully co-exist on this set and not have any issues. Apparently, he doesn’t have the same idea. I just don’t know what to do about it yet. I don’t want to go to the producers and see whiny, or demanding, but if he keeps this shit up I am going to have to talk to them. I need to figure out how to approach it professionally. I let my mind wander about both Lexa and Finn for a while when I hear a soft knock on my door. I know that if it was Raven or Finn they wouldn’t have knocked, so I know it must be Lexa or a PA. I murmur a soft come in and hope that whoever it is will just go away instead.


	12. Figure It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting hard to sleep  
> But it is in my dreams  
> But it's killing me  
> To try and figure it out
> 
> Nothing better to do  
> When I'm stuck on you  
> And still I'm here  
> Trying to figure it out
> 
> I'll let it go 'cause I won't see you later  
> And I'm not allowed to talk it out

LEXA

[Figure It Out by Royal Blood](https://open.spotify.com/track/6V0A3jkb9ntudO0kmcJ1xd)

 

I have heard stories about Finn Collins for years now, but I usually dismissed them as gossip. Seeing him in action on set made me realize that those were not just gossip. That guy really is a dick. From the first day I met him I knew there was something I didn't like. He always tries to seem like everyone's buddy and the life of the party, but he just came off as an asshole to me. He is sleazy, but one step below a major sexual harassment scandal. Let’s hope he stays mostly harmless or I may have to say something. I cannot stand that type of behavior and it happens too often to let it go unchecked.

I hate that he has a past with Clarke, but even more that he is continuing to harass her now. He has been trying to catch her alone for the last few days. I don’t know what is all about, but I hope I can get her to talk to me about it some time. This morning I saw him intercept her when she was coming to work on our scenes. I didn't intend to intrude on Clark's fight with Finn this morning, but it was hard to avoid since I was already stretching by the door. I could hear the frustration and anger in Clarke's voice and for some reason it really bothered me. I feel weirdly protective of Clarke lately and couldn't take it anymore.

Before I could register what was happening, I was moving toward them. I had to put a stop to it. Without thinking, I went into the hall and interrupted them. I had no clue what to say, so I went with the first thing that popped in my head and sent him on his way. I could see the relief on Clarke’s face that I stepped in, but her face fell when I moved away like nothing happened. I could see the hurt on her face and this time I didn’t know if it was from me or that douche. I can’t figure out why this girl gets to me so much. I try to push all of those thoughts aside and focus on work.

When we got back in the room, all I could think about was to comfort her. I wanted to make sure that she was ok before continuing, but I am still trying to force myself to stay away from her. I cannot figure out why I always want to make sure she is ok. I don't even really know her, and I am completely drawn to her. I pull my neutral mask onto my face and get ready for our day ahead. I can see the hurt and pain in Clarke’s eyes and it makes me want to punch whoever put it there, even if it is myself. So, I do the next best thing and take out all my frustration, anger at myself and confusion out in our fight training.

We are going over several of the same things as yesterday and I feel like a complete bad ass when I get something perfect. There is more fighting than I expected when I signed on, but I am finding that I love stunt training. I get in the zone when performing these moves and it starts to feel second nature to move this way. We are getting into it and I notice that Clarke is zoning out quite a bit, so I go a little easier and move a little more exaggerated. We go through the entire scene we have learned so far and at the end of this section I do this awesome superman punch, but Clarke is supposed to duck under me and force me to do a roll to get back up to face her again. This time though Clarke does not duck and even though I pulled my punch I still nail her right in the jaw and she goes down hard. In an instant I am at her side.

I don't think about anything except the fact that I am responsible for her being on the ground and it causes me to have a mild panic attack. She reassures me she is ok, but I am still really uneasy about hitting her. We break for lunch and Clarke heads out. Jennifer keeps telling me that it is ok, and it happens all the time, but for some reason I can't let it go. So, I do exactly what I shouldn't do, I go find Clarke. I cannot find her anywhere on set, so I go over to the trailers and softly knock on her door. I hear her murmur "come in,” so I take a deep breath to steady my nerves and go into her trailer.

I find her laying on the couch with an ice pack on her jaw, her eyes closed and humming softly to herself. She must have thought I was someone else because she doesn't open her eyes. I move over to the couch and her eyes pop open and she shoots up.

"Lexa?" She says warily, "What are you doing here?"

I hadn't even thought that she might not want the person that hit her around. "I, um, I wanted to apologize again. I knew you were not paying attention and I was trying to get everything perfect, so we can shoot the scene and I am so sorry." I rush out. I move to get up and leave but she stops me with a hand on my arm.

"Stay, please. Talk to me, sit here silently, whatever but please don't leave." She seems so sad and I don't know if it is from me hitting her or her run in with Finn, but I can't make myself leave, even though I should.

I sit back down beside her and ask her about her face. She removes the icepack and I see a really nasty, really large bruise forming on her jaw line and the lower half of her face. I think seeing the bruise just makes is that much worse for me. She must notice that I am visibly upset at the sight because she grabs my hands in hers and makes me look her in the eyes. "Lexa I am fine. It looks way worse that it feels I promise." She is sitting facing me now and it feels so much closer than she did a few minutes ago. Before I can stop myself or realize what I am doing I bring my hand up to cup her jaw where the terrible bruise is. She leans into my hand and I laugh a little because it reminds me of a cat wanting pet, but she just looks at me with a serene look on her face and her eyes closed. I have no idea how long we sit like that, but we are jolted apart when Clarke's phone rings. I don't know why but I look around guiltily as we break apart and I get the feeling that I was not the only one that was enjoying the calm that I get from being around her.

I move to leave again as she grabs her phone and she motions for me to stay where I am. From the side of the conversation I hear it seems like word of her injury has spread around the set. "Raven I promise I am fine and no Finn did not hit me. As much as I would love for you to punch him this was an accident in training and he wasn't involved," she says. "I have to be back on set in a few minutes and I will see you then. Yes. It is a big bruise. No, it doesn't hurt too badly. Yes, mom I will be more careful when fists fly at my face in the future." With that she hangs up and turns back to face me.

"Lexa thank you for coming to check on me. I was starting to think you hated me for some reason, since you have been avoiding me all week." She questions.

"I don't know what I did, but I am happy that you came here today. Do you want me to make dinner tonight? At the house... ok that sounded more awkward than it did in my head." She says embarrassed.

I laugh a little and tell her I would love that. I know that I am getting in over my head, but I cannot stop myself. If friendship is what she wants, then I will be her friend. I decide right then that I just want Clarke in my life no matter what that means.


	13. I Love Rock N Roll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Singing I love rock and roll  
> So put another dime in the jukebox, baby  
> I love rock and roll  
> So come and take the time  
> And dance with me, ooo
> 
> I love rock and roll yeah  
> 'Cause it soothes my soul yeah  
> I love rock and roll  
> Yeah, yeah, yeah  
> I said, "Can I take you home  
> Where we can be alone?"  
> And next we were moving on  
> And he was with me, yeah, with me  
> And we were moving on  
> And singing that same old song  
> Yeah, with me

CLARKE

[I Love Rock 'N' Roll by Britney Spears](https://open.spotify.com/track/29viePXNqWUw1cxqzOcuOD)

 

Lexa and I head back to set together, and she seems like a different person. We are joking around talking about watching a movie together after dinner. She does make me promise to let her help me and make sure to keep putting ice on my face though. We get back to training and both Lexa and the stunt coordinators make us take it easy for the rest of the session. We finish with the sequence and even though we were to film the first part of our fights scenes today. The director heard about my “incident” and moved the schedule around, so he could give me a tiny break today. The bad news is that we have to start filming before dawn to get all the shots we need for the day.

I tell Lexa I will see her later and go in search of Raven. She and Octavia are watching the extras do battle. These are some of my favorite days on set. We get to watch others do their thing and just enjoy hanging out together. We laugh and joke around for a while and Raven tells me that her and Octavia found a place and are moving this weekend. It is going to be so weird not living with Raven after her being around all of the time for so long. I am also really happy for my friend. She has found something that she is not only really good at but made new friends and enjoying herself.

She and Octavia already have plans for the night, so I say my goodbyes and head back to the house. Lexa is already here when I arrive. I hear some music coming from her room and peek my head in there. She is dancing around her room with a hairbrush as a microphone and I cannot contain my laughter. She turns and sees me laughing and blushes bright red. She goes to shut off the music, but before she can get there I tell her to leave it on and start singing along too. We both dance around the room singing “I Love Rock and Roll” at the top of our lungs and doing our best Britney impressions and the playlist continues. It has been way too long since I have had this much fun just goofing off. I am pleasantly surprised that Lexa is the one that has made it possible. Once the next song ends she goes over and shuts off the music.

"I really thought you would be gone a bit longer." She says shyly.

“I think I came home right on time. How else would I have witnessed THE Lexa Woods shaking her ass to Britney Spears? I really would have pegged you as more of a Joan Jett fan, by the way. I really wish I would have recorded it though, no one is going to believe me when I tell them all about this. Do you want me to leave so you can continue this little dance party on your own?" I tease.

"No! Come on who doesn’t like Britney? She is an icon.” Lexa lets out a little chuckle, “I was just letting off steam after today and having a little fun. I get carried away when I start singing and dancing, sometimes. Please don’t tell anyone, I am so embarrassed."

"No need to be embarrassed. I won’t actually tell anyone, no matter how much I want to. We are all entitled to have some fun, and it certainly seemed like you were having fun. You don’t have to be so serious all the time. It’s ok to let go and loosen up." I tell her and her eyes flash with hurt. "Lexa what is it? What did I say?"

"It's nothing. I just get accused of being too serious a little too often. I am not always serious, but I am also not in the public eye very much. It takes me a little longer to open up to people and that can be hard on a movie set. It means that I don't have a lot of friends."

"Nope none of that tonight. I mean it no sadness tonight. We are having a roommate only party, just the two of us, and it is time to get this party started. Grab your speaker and bring it into the kitchen. We are going to start dinner and cooking is always more fun with music."

She grabs her stuff and joins me in the kitchen, where I have several options out for our dinner tonight. She comes over to take in what all I have laid out on the counter. I have stuff to make homemade pizzas, everything to make cannoli, and my favorite ingredients for make your own tacos. She looks at each carefully and asks some questions, but turns to me with a small grin and says "Tacos!!!" It's like she knew that was what I wanted. I put everything away that we are not using and start setting up the island like a taco bar. I have Lexa get some bowls down since she is much taller than I am. We start filling them with the cheese and I get her set up chopping the tomatoes, while I start getting the chicken and pork ready to season and cook. It is quick work, so I sneak in a glance at Lexa. She really is terrible in the kitchen and has a huge mess all around her cutting board and this adorable look on her face. She is focusing so hard on making the cuts perfect and has part of her tongue sticking out in concentration.

I turn away before she can catch me and think I am a creeper. I turn my attention to preparing the meats, now that the pans are hot enough. I set those low to simmer and cover them and make my way over to the island. I grab the avocados, clean and chop them and make a small batch of my favorite guacamole dip to go with the tacos. Once I mash it all up I start adding spices and mix it all together. I am lost in my cooking and don't notice that Lexa has stopped chopping tomatoes to watch me curiously. I smile at her and laugh a little when she realizes she got caught staring. We each go back to our tasks of setting everything up for tacos and work both singing along to the songs we know.

It takes no time and we are all finished setting up. Lexa gets the plates down and we take turns fixing our tacos. I lead her over to the table and set my plate down.

"Lexa, do you want a glass of wine? A beer? Coke? Water?"

"Water would be nice. Thank you."

I grab my glass of wine and her water and return to the table. Lexa laughs and says, "I guess I need to figure out where things are in this house. We are going to be here for a while. I am not used to being in one place for longer than a few weeks."

We start to chat, and I promise to show her around the kitchen when we finish eating, as long as she helps me clean up. We start off with small talk and little get to know you conversations. And it's odd but usually people can't wait to talk about themselves, but with Lexa she seems to be really interested in what I am saying. I get the feeling that she doesn't open up to many people so I make my questions matter. I listen raptly and hang on her every word. I don't know why but it feels important that she chose to open up to me.

We finish up dinner and clean up the leftovers. Once we are finished I show her where everything in the kitchen is and then show her around the rest of the house. She has been cooped up in her room since she arrived and should really see the rest of this beautiful house. I start upstairs in what is Raven's room. I tell Lexa about Raven and Octavia moving in together this weekend.

"Is she leaving because I am here?"

"No. The studio was adamant that once you arrived she had to leave or find her own place. I don't know why, but I think they didn't want any distractions for either of us."

"Ok, that’s weird, but good I guess. I would feel terrible if she is leaving because of me."

I show her the extra room that I have some of my stuff stored in and the balconies on that side of the house. Finally, I show her my room and the balcony. She admits that she loves her room, but this one is spectacular too.

"Both of our bedrooms are the only ones with attached baths and Raven did throw a fit that I wouldn't let her use your room before you arrived. For some reason it didn't feel right since that was your room."

She blushes again, and I get the feeling that she doesn’t get many people taking care of her or looking out for her other than her manager and agent. We head back downstairs and check out the massive living room and the smaller dining room. There is also a small library down here and I was excited when I arrived that the shelves were full. I can see Lexa's eyes light up too and I am glad I saved this for last. We linger around the library a while longer, with Lexa checking out the shelves and me covertly watching her.

She clears her throat and I realize I was caught starting again. I laugh and lead the way back to the living room. We decide on a romantic comedy and both get comfy on the sofa. We each take an end of the couch and settle in for the movie. We are both quoting lines and laughing when I pause the movie to go get my blanket and take a bathroom break. I come back to find Lexa gone too, so I go into the kitchen and get another glass of wine and return to the couch. Lexa is back and looks at my glass oddly, but says nothing. She grabbed a blanket too and we resume the movie.

At some point we must have fallen asleep during the movie because I wake up and both Lexa and I are curled up together in the middle of the couch. She is the big spoon and I am the little spoon. I think about getting up and going to my bed, but I am so warm and comfy that I just close my eyes and fall right back asleep.


	14. Go Slow

LEXA 

[Go Slow by HAIM](https://open.spotify.com/track/5mKbFgEbuYRJRvl7SlPpRf)

 

I wake up so comfy and cozy. I don't know if I have ever slept that soundly. I open my eyes and take in my surroundings. The first thing I see is blonde hair. Lots of blonde hair. The next thing I notice is that I am wrapped around Clarke on the couch, where we must have fallen asleep. Before I can freak out too much she stirs. This is the second time we have slept next to each other and both times I slept more peacefully that I can ever remember. She starts squirming and stretching and I reluctantly let her go. She looks back at me and smiles. I feel like a total creeper for cataloguing Clarke's smiles and laughs but I can't stop myself. Each time I get one I feel whole again, and I am not sure if I deserve them. Selfishly, I find myself trying to make her smile or laugh as often as possible.

She stands up and stretches some more. The bruise on her face looking even more ugly today. We both need to get to set, but neither of us is moving. I sit up and give her my shy smile, which gets me a small laugh in return and I feel like I won a gold medal. I get lost in my thoughts for a second and she squats in front of me saying, "What were you thinking about just then? You went from happy, sleepy Lexa to somber, sad Lexa?"

"Oh, it was nothing. Your bruise is much worse today and I was upset with myself all over again."

"Lexa, how many times do I have to tell you? It was an accident and you don't need to beat yourself up over it. It doesn't even hurt today. They will cover it with makeup and the show will go on. Come on we need to get ready, and head to set."

I get up and head to my room to take a quick shower and change. I hear Clarke moving around upstairs but knowing her she is just going to throw on some jeans and a t shirt with her converse and be back downstairs. I on the other hand put my hair in a tight bun and put some make up on before I head out the door. She asks me if I want to ride together but I still prefer to take my own car, so she follows me to set in her own car. I don’t know why I am acting so weird we just fell asleep on the couch together.

We get to set and head straight for wardrobe and makeup. The changes that were made to the costumes are perfect and it fits me like a glove. With every piece of costume and every layer of makeup I feel myself getting more and more in character. They finally finish with my makeup and I am in awe. The Commander in full war paint and armor is a bad ass. I am so happy to be playing this character. I can’t wait to see how today’s scenes look.

I get finished first and wait for them to finish Clarke’s makeup. We both get up to head to set at the same time, but I have to detour to drop off my phone and IPad in my trailer. We both end up getting on set at the same time somehow though. I notice that everyone is staring at me, and realize that this is the first time anyone has seen me in full makeup and costume. Everyone is still staring at me and I don't know what to think about it. Before I can get too self-conscience about it Clarke is by my side, giving me the reassurance I didn’t know I needed. 

"Wow, you look amazing. Badass even. I am a little intimidated."

I really look at Clarke and the outfit they put her in. She is wearing an awesome leather jacket, a tight low-cut top, and a formfitting pair of jeans. I try hard to not stare too long at how amazing she looks in her outfit, but I know I fail as my eyes are constantly drawn back to her cleavage. She doesn’t seem to notice too much, or at least she doesn’t call me out on it. I do my best to try to recover and look anywhere else. I fail miserably and instead try reassuring her the same way she did for me. "Clarke, you look amazing and totally bad ass too. I would kill for your leather jacket, but yes, I feel a little badass in this get up. I kind of dig this weird makeup too."

"That make up kind of makes you look like a raccoon.” She laughs at the face I make when she says that and quickly recovers with, “At the same time, it is intimidating as fuck. Seriously, if I didn’t know you were a marshmallow that dances around to Britney I would be scared. "

I am still chuckling at that, as the director calls us both over. He goes over what he wants us to block and which scenes he wants to rehearse this morning. Once he is satisfied with our understanding of what he is asking we settle into our roles for the day. I forgot how much blocking and other technical stuff goes into a television show versus the movies. We block and rehearse all morning until he is satisfied. I forgot how boring all of this is compared to movies. The schedules for movies are usually tighter and there is not so much packed into every element. I have been on some intense movie sets, but it is always different working on a television show. Each director and each actor do things differently and on a show this large it shows. We stand around for what seems like forever before we get to start rolling. This is one of my favorite scenes I have read so far, and I cannot wait to get it on film.

  
Filming starts shortly after that, and I am excited that I get to watch for the first part of the scene. Everything starts with my warriors capturing Clarke and bringing her to my tent. I sit on my throne in full battle gear and war paint and they bring Clarke in their form of handcuffs. She looks roughed up and they cleared her make up on the bruise a little, so it shows through. She still looks proud and badass and I know in that moment that I never had a shot at staying away from this girl. I know she is in character, but everything about Clarke captivates me.

 

We go through our lines and I channel all of my feelings into blaming her for killing my warriors She is just as fierce blaming me for their deaths. It is all very intense and will be a great scene on film, but I get a bit overwhelmed in the moment. There has been a steady buildup of antagonizing and emotion between our characters and it hits too close to home for our personal lives too. I am close to being completely overwhelmed by it all and I am so happy we are almost through filming this part of the scene. It is on me to finish the scene as I roar my last line, "TAKE HER AWAY!!!" 

While they are setting up the next scene I take a break from set to collect my thoughts. It felt like Clarke was looking directly into my soul and blaming me for Costia's death. I know that is not true because no one here knows about Costia, but it still felt real on the heels of my earlier revelation. I work hard to pull it together to finish the day and after a few moments I am able to put the impassive and stoic mask back on. Thankfully the rest of the day is going to be far less intense and draining.


	15. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, you called me up again tonight  
> But oh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
> 
> We are never ever, ever getting back together  
> We! Are never ever, ever getting back together  
> You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)  
> But, we are never ever, ever, ever getting back together

CLARKE 

[We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift](https://open.spotify.com/track/1OYARuagDrpgNNQ4loO1Cs)

 

That scene was so awesome. It was amazing it see Lexa as the Commander in full costume and bad ass makeup. She was so intimidating and everyone one hung on her every line. She got so into character that I could feel her emotions and I was able to give those right back to her. I saw her facade drop for a split second before she roared her line to take me away. All I wanted in that second was to go to her and take that pain away. I can’t understand why I feel everything so much stronger with Lexa that I ever did with Finn. Finn and I were set to be married, while Lexa and I are not even a thing. That would be ridiculous. She is not into women and it’s not like I broadcast that I am bisexual.

As they finish up filming she comes out of the tent slowly.  We are all waiting around so they can complete the next set up, but Lexa still looks shaken. I don’t think anyone else would notice but I do. I grab her and pull her aside to make sure she is ok, but she acts like nothing is wrong as she moves away from set. I don’t see her again until we are about ready to film the next scene and it looks like she has composed herself

This one has a little bit more action, but it is still not the big fight that is slated for the end of the shooting day today. The cameras start rolling and I am drug by the guards to center of a ring and left alone. Lexa gets up on a makeshift stage and tells her people that I am to be put to death for my crimes against them. Just as she gives the order, Bellamy’s character rushes the crowd with several of my “friends”. This starts the epic battle and while I am mostly forgotten in the relative safety of the circle I am in no way safe, yet. I know this is scripted, but I am running on pure adrenaline to get me through this. The Commander charges my position with her swords drawn ready to seal my fate. I find a blade on of her warriors must have dropped and free my hands. I turn and stand straight to face her. We have been training for this all week and as I hoped she pulls no punches as we fight with all we have. I hope this is being captured and we don’t have to do this too many times. We are blade to blade neither of us giving in or conceding as the director calls cut. I can see the fierceness in Lexa's eyes and I know mine are just as ferocious. I hope that looks as good on film as it felt.

He looks over the scenes and luckily, we only have to film small parts over again, so they can get additional angles and when it is all over I am exhausted. Today was a lot both emotional and physical and I am ready to call it a day. Once we are wrapped we head to our trailers. They will come and get our clothes get them ready for the next day and after I clean my face I am ready to head home and crash. A soft knock at my trailer door grabs my attention and I assume it is the costume crew picking up my clothes. I am surprised to see it is a delivery man with a huge bouquet of red roses. He insists they are for me, so I accept and bring them inside to look at the card. They are from Finn, but I can’t figure out why he is sending me flowers. I have told him again and again that we are over.

I am so mad that I grab the flowers and take them to the closest trash bin, and go on a search for Finn. I stormed around set searching for him. Most everyone is giving me a wide berth. I am on a mission and no one wanted to get in my way. I finally found him sitting in makeup. He was sitting in the chair, flirting with one of the makeup assistants. All conversation stopped when they noticed the look on my face, and the assistant's eyes got wide.

"Clarke, my darling, to what do we owe the pleasure of your presence today?" He is so smug.

"You are a lying, cheating, worthless asshole, Finn Collins!!! Stop fucking sending me flowers and trying to get back together! We are NEVER getting back together, so leave me the fuck alone!"

I calmly walk over to him and slap him so hard my hand hurts and storm out. I head straight for my trailer, so I can leave this place and get some air. I am still so pissed at Finn for pulling that bullshit but now I am pissed off at myself for pulling such an unprofessional stunt while we were still on set. I blame the scenes we shot today for my emotions running high, but deep down I am not convinced that is what caused me to act so brash. I am about to leave my trailer when Raven runs up all excitedly.

"Did you really just slap the shit out of Finn?" She asks.

"Yeah I did. The asshole decided it would be a great idea to send me flowers. They were roses. I hate roses; they were even clichéd red too, with a note asking me to get back together again."

"Way to go Clarke. I have wanted to do that for a really long time. I am little upset you got to do it before me, but I'm glad someone got to. He deserved that and so much more"

I tell Raven about everything and even my little Taylor Swift lyric moment. She gives me so much shit for that, but it just came out. I have no idea where it came from but apparently in my most pissed off state I break out the big guns, Taylor Swift lyrics. Raven convinces me to grab a beer with the rest of the gals, as she has dubbed the small group of ladies she has adopted as her own from the cast and crew. I convince her to let me go home and shower before meeting them at the bar, Murphy's that is not far from the house.

The drive home is quick, and I debate asking Lexa to come with us the whole drive. I know she doesn't seem fond of drinking, but it would be good for her to go out with the cast every once in a while. Mind made up I go in search of her. I look around the house and call her name a few times but get nothing. I decide to shoot her a quick text to see if she is around.

 

> _CLARKE: I just got back to the house. Are you home?_

Then I jump in the shower and try to shake off my disappointment that Lexa wasn't home and this whole mess with Finn. I don't know why he won't get the hint. It's not like I dumped him or made him look like a fool, nope that was all him. And why am I disappointed that Lexa is not around? I know we have been hanging out a lot lately, but I feel more like myself when I am with her. It is a strange feeling but even though we haven't been friends long I just feel comfortable around her and it is an addictive feeling.

I get out of the shower and start to go through my going out routine, of hair and makeup before I decide what to wear. I hear a soft knock on the door and go over to answer it. I have to smile at the look on Lexa's face seeing me standing here in just my towel. She has a shocked look on her face, but I noticed her eyes roaming up and down all of my exposed skin.

With a smirk I ask her, "Do you want to come out with us tonight?"

She clears her throat and tries to look me in the eyes, but I can tell she is having a hard time keeping her eyes from roaming. "I, um, I. I will come back after you get dressed." She stammers.

"Lex, stay please. I need help deciding what to wear." I say, enjoying this way more than I should.

"Lex? I don't think anyone has ever called me that. I was not a big nickname kid." She says.

"Sorry. It just came out. I won't use it if you hate it. I don't want to make you uncomfortable" I tell her honestly.

"I don't mind, really. I will wait out here until you are ready to look for an outfit." She tells me moving to the balcony.

I smile to myself because I am enjoying seeing Lexa flustered way more that I should be. She is so adorable, that I can't help myself. I want to see that blush when she was caught looking and her out of sorts as often as I can. That’s also why I slipped the nickname in there. I really just wanted to see her reaction, but it was even more adorable that I could have guessed. Getting a grip on myself I get changed into some gym shorts and a tank and grab Lexa to help me with my clothes. I will do my damnedest to get her to go with me tonight and hopefully what outfit I have in mind will make her jaw to drop.

She picks out several boring outfits, but I oblige her and go to the bathroom to try each one on. I snuck the outfit I picked into the bathroom with the others and I save it for last. I change into the tight black jeans and low-cut top that fits just right and the knee high boots with buckles going all the way up the side and the 3 inch heel that puts me much closer to Lexa's height. I love the way this shirt teases the tattoos on my back and as a bonus it makes me look like a total bad ass.

I walk out of the room and just as I hoped Lexa's jaw drops and there is this look in her eyes of want that makes me smile wolfishly. She shakes her head as if she is trying to clear away images that have been conjured up by my fantastic outfit and simply says, "Wow."

Not quite the reaction I was hoping for, but I'll take it. Now on to part two of my plan... getting Lexa to come with me. I take her hand and lead her downstairs to her room. I can feel her watching me the entire way down the stairs, so I put an extra sway or two in my steps.

"Wait, Clarke. Why are we going into my room?" She asks unsure.

"Well, Lexa... I am ready to go, so now we need to get you ready." I say simply.

"What? No. I couldn't possibly go out to the bar with you." She stammers nervously.

"Lexa. I don't know what you have against bars or drinking but you don't have to drink anything. I am not planning on it. I just want you to come spend time with the cast and me for one evening. We don't bite. Well not too hard anyway." I tell her only partially joking.

"Please, Lexa I know this makes you uncomfortable, but I will leave the second you say. I really just want you to meet some of the other girls you have not worked with yet." I plead.

"Ok Clarke. I will try for you. But you have to help me pick something to wear so I look half as hot as you do. And you have to promise me that you will take it easy tonight. The boys are going to be drooling all over you." She tells me, and I hear a hint of worry and something else, maybe jealousy?

I head for Lexa's closet and start picking through the clothes she brought. I find this amazing black wrap dress that would make her legs look amazing. I search for the shoes to top this outfit off and find an amazing pair of black low-cut booties with a short stiletto heel and know I have a winner. I present my find to Lexa and her eyes go wide at what I have chosen.

"Is this too much? I thought it would look killer on you and the boys would be drooling all over you and not paying me any attention, so you don't have to worry." I tease her.

She takes a deep breath and takes the clothes I picked out for her and storms into the bathroom. I hear her say something that sounded like "What the hell am I doing?" Under her breath as she passes me. I sit on her bed and wait for her to come out.


	16. Come With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Background noise  
> Are all the things that get in the way  
> I had no choice  
> You came to me  
> I took you around  
> But it didn't matter where we were going  
> You're the only sound  
> That I'll ever want to hear
> 
> Come with me  
> And I'll take you away if you let me  
> Stay with me

LEXA

[Come With Me by Echosmith](https://open.spotify.com/track/30u11GD2UfFJ0u42lrlNbr)

 

What the hell did I agree to? I haven't worn this dress since I was with Costia. It brings back painful memories, but I hope wearing it tonight will attach new memories to it. I was still reeling over seeing Clarke in just a towel when she came out in that outfit. I knew she was tone and fit and curvy in the right places but after seeing her in the towel I can't get those images out of my head. I know that I will not be the only one she has drooling over her, but I am embarrassed that she caught me. That I didn’t have enough self-control to keep my eyes off of her. She seemed to be doing it on purpose, but I can't figure out why. I know why I want her to be teasing me so much, but I until I know for sure I am going to keep her at a distance. She is dangerous, and I don’t think she knows how dangerous she is to me. I barely survived losing Costia and I know already that if anything were to happen to Clarke I would be completely destroyed.

After my soul searching, I dress quickly and put my hair up in a messy bun and head out of the bathroom to see Clarke lying on my bed. Selfishly I don't want her to get up, but I know she wants to go hang out with her friends tonight, so I call her name softly.

She sits up and her eyes widen when she takes in the dress she chose. I know this one fits me perfectly and I smile when I see her quick intake of breath. She takes me by the hand and leads me to the car. Just like that we are off. I just hope this adventure doesn't blow up in my face.

We get to the bar and I am happy to see that it is small low-key neighborhood place. The inside is a little dive-like but still nice enough to hang out with friends. The girls see Clarke from across the room and start waving and hollering at her. I even think I hear a few wolf whistles and I have to chuckle a little. We get to the table and Clarke introduces me to all the girls and it all feels incredibly uncomfortable, until we get to Raven. It seems that she has been drinking for a while because she climbs over the table to give me a big bear hug that lifts me off my feet and gives me a big sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Lexa is my homie. Haha like literally my homie. We shared a home for a little while." She laughs at her own terrible joke.

"Rae, that was bad even for you." Clarke says giving her a hug back.

"So, Lexa... Raven tells us that you are a homebody. We are so happy you came out with us tonight. That fight scene you and Clarke had was epic. I am so jealous my character is not that badass." Octavia says.

Everyone shifts around the table, so Clarke I squeeze in together at one end. A few minutes after we arrive, the waitress swings back by and I order a coke. I look at Clarke for her order. She gives me a bright smile at me and also orders a coke. The girls are all chatting, and I am actually enjoying myself, hanging out with everyone. We laugh and talk for a while when Clarke starts yawning. Raven is in the middle of telling everyone about Clarke slapping Finn this afternoon, when Clarke excuses herself.

We are all laughing about some random prank that Raven and Octavia pulled on set, when I realize that Clarke has been gone a long time. I get up and go in search of her. This place is not that big, so it can't be that hard to track her down. I don't see her anywhere, so I head toward the back hallway and the bathrooms. These are all one-person bathrooms, so I try each door and knock softly on the one that is locked.

"Clarke are you in there? Everything ok?" I ask. "You have been gone awhile."

"Lexa? I am fine. Everything is fine. I will be out in a minute." She says shakily.

I can tell right away that everything is not fine. So, I tell her ok and move slightly away from the door. I stand there against the wall for a good 10 minutes until she comes out. Her face is all red and puffy and I know right away she has been crying. Without thinking I pull her into my arms and hug her tightly. I just hold her as her tears start up again and let her cry until she feels better. I go get our stuff from the table and let the gals know we are leaving. Raven and Octavia demand Clarke text them that she is ok, so she does, and tells them we needed to head home. Her friends don’t question it and I think she is grateful that she doesn't have to face them upset like this.

The ride home is silent, and the worst of her crying seems to have passed. I lead her into the living room and sit her down on the couch. I try to sit on the other end, but she pulls me closer like she needs some of my strength for what she is about to tell me. I don't prompt her to tell me what is wrong, because I know that she will tell me when she is ready. I don't know how long we sit on the couch, but I know that this is way too comfortable. I wrapped my arm around her at some point and have been rubbing small circles on her back and tracing the tattoo on her shoulder and by the way she has snuggled closer into my side I don't think she minds. Finally, she takes a deep shaky breath and turns slightly to face me.

"It was Finn. Even after all of these years he can still mess up my life and turn my world upside down. He sent me a text with links to an article he leaked to the tabloids. It portrays the slap from earlier today as a lovers’ quarrel and that we are back together but keeping it quiet." She says slowly and solemnly as if she is trying to hold her tears back again.

"What happened with you two? Why is he so intent on getting you back?" I ask her.

"Honestly I don't know why he wants me back so bad." She says. "And what happened is a very long and boring story."

"Clarke, you are the furthest from boring I could imagine, so I don't think that could be the case. If you don't want to get into it tonight though you don't have to." I tell her.

“I am exhausted by all of his shit and I really don't think I can go into it tonight. Can we talk about something else? Anything else?" She asks quietly.

We stay on the couch cuddled up together talking about everything and nothing at the same time. And before I know it the sun is coming up. I learned so much about Clarke, some funny, some sweet, and all showing me how amazing of a person she is. She is one of those people that genuinely listen and care when they ask about you and I can see why Finn has realized what he lost. An idea pops into my head but I won't say anything to Clarke until I know it will work. I just hope that Finn keeps his distance and stops pulling this shit until then.


	17. Unsteady

CLARKE

[Unsteady by X Ambassadors ](https://open.spotify.com/track/7lGKEWMXVWWTt3X71Bv44I)

 

After talking all night Lexa on the couch, I don't want to leave this cozy spot we have created. Lexa was so patient and just listened and talked to me while I had my breakdown over Finn. For the first time in a long time I felt completely relaxed and comfortable with another person. After talking all night, we both decide that we should get a little sleep and head to our rooms. I am still thinking about everything I learned about Lexa and how easy, carefree and open she was last night. I want that Lexa around all of the time. She was even laughing and having fun at the bar before Finn the fucker, as he shall henceforth be known, started all of his shit.

Before I can go to sleep, I know I need to contact my manager to let them know what Finn the fucker is up to, and see what we can do about putting a stop to it. I don't want to be associated with him or have the past brought up again. It was rough enough the first time. We come up with a plan saying the slap was a rehearsal for a scene where our characters are together, which is not that much of a stretch. The writers have been trying to get us together as a couple for a few episodes. I will let them deal with the show and fallout from all of this crap.

I know I should be exhausted, but I am still chasing the feeling of peace that I got from talking to Lexa all night. I am not quite ready to leave that little bubble of solace, so I head back downstairs. Lexa is not on the couch anymore, so I head to her room. She left the door open, but I can see her lying on her bed playing with her phone, so I knock softly on the door frame to get her attention. She rolls my direction and gives me one of those bright happy Lexa smiles that I feel fortunate to be on the receiving end of, and waves me over. I jump on the bed with her making her bounce back. We both collapse in fits of laughter and just lay there being near each other for a while. And it is not too long before I hear her breathing even out as she falls asleep. Not wanting to move, I curl up next to her and fall asleep too.

I wake up starving a little while later to find Lexa still sleeping next to me. We are tangled up in each other with my head on her shoulder and her arms around me. I am too comfortable to move but my stomach is grumbling really loud now. I try to carefully extract myself, so I don't wake her but when I move even the tiniest bit she holds on tighter. I turn my face into her shoulder and laugh a little before shaking her gently and calling her name. She snuggles in deeper and pulls me closer each time I shake her. So, I try to pull away a little harder and shake her a little harder. She slowly lets go of me and opens her eyes and smiles at me in this adorable sleepy way that makes me want to forget getting up and stay here the rest of the weekend.

And then my stomach rumbles embarrassingly loud and makes her giggle. If I hadn't seen it I would have believed that it was possible either, but it was amazingly adorable.

"Are you hungry, Clarke?" She teases me.

Laughing I tell her, "I guess so, but I don't want to move."

"How about I cook for you tonight?" She winks at me.

"You can cook? How did I not know this?" I tease her.

We get up and I follow her into the kitchen. I take a seat at the bar and watch her get stuff out for omelets. She asks my favorite ingredients and starts chopping peppers, onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes. She cracks the eggs and gets it all ready and I am impressed at how at home she looks cooking. I am always the chef and I find myself really enjoying being cooked for. Lexa grabs her phone and puts on some music that I don't recognize, so I start asking her more about music. She tells me how much she loves jazz and Sam Cooke, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald. She starts humming along to a Sam Cooke song, I Don't Get Around Much Any More. This whole scene is so perfectly domestic and makes me so happy, I cannot wipe the huge smile off of my face.

She finishes up the omelets and we talk more about acting and music and anything else that comes up. Lexa is so easy to talk to that before we know it is getting late again.  We have the day off tomorrow as well, so I make Lexa promise to go shopping with me. We need groceries and other things for the house. It still feels like no one lives here and I love to make places seem homier. She reluctantly agrees and we part ways.

I am not quite ready for bed, so I play around with my guitar for a while and then put on a movie and get comfy. I fall asleep long before the movie is over, but something wakes me while it is still dark out. I sit up and listen carefully and hear Lexa calling out and it sounds like she is struggling. I bolt out of bed and race down the stairs not knowing what to expect, but it is quiet downstairs except in Lexa's room, where I find her in the middle of a nightmare.

I gently wake her, and I can see that she is shaken up. It is my chance to just hold her and let her calm down. I don't press or ask about anything and just hold her. I don't know what triggered the nightmare or what it was about, but I know that if it upset her I want to make it better. She pulls the covers back inviting me to lie next to her and pleads, "Stay please, just for tonight."

How can I refuse her when she is still so visibly shaken? At least that is what I tell myself as I slid in next to her. I lay back and she puts her head on my shoulder and her arms around me. I have never been a snuggler but with Lexa it feels perfect. It doesn't take long until we fall into a deep peaceful sleep curled around each other.

The next morning, I wake up in Lexa's arms again. I have never felt this comfortable and normal just being around someone before. We are not anything more than friends at this point, but I know that I want more from Lexa. I am not sure what it is that I want, but I know this is more than friendship. It is something bigger than that. I don't want to ruin our friendship or scare her away, but I can't be the only one that feels how good this could be. Losing her terrifies me already and I don't even have her.

This morning I am able to get out of bed without Lexa waking or her realizing I am gone. I need to be by myself a little while, to process everything, I realized this morning. It is still a little chilly out this morning, so I grab a blanket and go sit on the deck to think. I don't know how long I have been out here staring out at the view and thinking, but I am still there when Lexa comes out and finds me wrapped up on the deck.

"Everything okay?" She asks, and I hate that she can read me so well already.

"Yeah just been a long week and the next one is going to be even worse. I just got the news that Finn and I are going to become a couple on the show for the next few episodes."

"Oh Clarke. Are you ok with this?"

"Yeah it was accidentally my idea, but I didn't think they would run with it so quickly. I thought I would have some more time to prepare myself."

"Wait, what are you talking about? How is this your idea?"

"Well Finn leaked the images of me with the roses and of me slapping him and tried to play it like we were back together for the media. I had to do something to stop that and this was the best we could come up with on such short notice. The good news is I get to slap him again on camera."

She laughs at that and says, "You promised me food and shopping today. No more thinking about that douche. Let's go have some fun." And just like that my mood is turned around. I don't know how she does it but somehow Lexa always says the right thing to make me feel better.


	18. Not Afraid Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am not afraid anymore  
> Standing in the eye of the storm  
> Ready to face this, dying to taste this, sick sweet warmth  
> I am not afraid anymore  
> I want what you got in store  
> I'm ready to feed now, get in your seat now
> 
> And touch me like you never  
> And push me like you never  
> And touch me like you never  
> 'Cause I am not afraid, I am not afraid anymore  
> No no no

LEXA 

[Not Afraid Anymore by Halsey](https://open.spotify.com/track/0wH7iJqYQnmUU09YGcQPHo)

 

While we are shopping Clarke asks me if she can invite some friends over for dinner tonight to make up for ditching them early the other day. Of course, I agree, Clarke may not know it but she could get me to agree to just about anything as long as it makes her happy.

We end our fun day out by stopping at the grocery store, so Clarke can get everything she needs to make dinner tonight and we can stock up on fruit and other fresh stuff for the week. She found some amazingly cool pieces for the living room and her room, and while she was off looking at other things I found the most amazing painting. It reminds me of her and our time here, but it's not like I am going to tell her that. We put the groceries away and then go set up our new finds in our rooms.

Before I realize how long I have been at finding the perfect location for my painting, people start arriving for dinner. I am happy that Clarke only invited the girls tonight, they are a wild bunch, but I don't know if I could handle any more new people coming over today. Raven and Octavia are the first to arrive, and we all start helping Clarke in the kitchen. The three of us helping turns out to be more of a distraction for her and she banishes us to the island. I make myself busy and decide get some wine out for us all to enjoy with dinner. As more girls arrive bringing their own wine for Clarke's impromptu dinner party, things start to get a little crazy. Everyone is laughing and joking and having a great time, so I am surprised to see Raven watching me closely. She gestures for me to follow her out on the deck.

When we get outside I can tell she has had more to drink than me but isn't quite drunk yet. "What are your intentions for my best friend?" She asks me giggling a little.

"Raven what are you talking about? Are you drunk?"

"No, I am perfectly sober, I think. I noticed some major vibes from both of you when I lived here so I thought if I cleared out you could make her happy, but that hasn't happened. That douche canoe is still making her miserable."

"I don’t know what you are talking about, Raven. Clarke and I are just friends."

"Yeah ok sure. And the designated hitter is the best position in baseball." She says sarcastically and puts a finger down her throat making exaggerated gagging sounds.

"I am so confused. What are you talking about, Raven? And how does baseball fit in?"

"Look, Lexa. My gaydar is never wrong and you were pinging it before we even met. So, don't play dumb with me. I can see how you look at Clarke and it's adorable."

"I do not look at Clarke any different." She laughs at me. "Ok maybe I do, but nothing is going to happen because she isn't into me as anything more than a friend."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that. She looks at you the same way you look at her when you are not paying attention. I think you need to talk to each other about a lot of things. She has been hurt in the past, but that is her story to tell. You both deserve to be happy, but I do have to throw the best friend warning out there. If you hurt her I will have to kick your ass."

I laugh and give Raven a hug. "Thank you for this chat. I will do everything in my power to not hurt Clarke. I don't know what is going to happen, but being around her makes me happy and I know I don't want to lose that."

Clarke pops her head outside and looks at Raven and I having this serious discussion and has a confused and slightly hurt look on her face. She recovers quickly and tells us dinner is ready. I make a mental note to talk to her tonight when everyone leaves.

Dinner is amazing and we all laugh and talk and generally enjoy hanging out. The wine keeps flowing and before long people start to get a little more drunk than tipsy. We all have an early table read in the morning, so Clarke and I start calling cabs and Ubers for everyone to get home safely. Once the last person is out the door I go in search of Clarke and find her upstairs on her bed. She looks like she may have been crying or about to cry and it just about breaks me.

"Clarke what's wrong?"

"Nothing Lexa, just leave me alone."

"Is this about what you think you saw with Raven and I?"

"No, I know what I saw there. Raven made a move on you and you were all too happy to have her."

I have to laugh at that and she gives me a seriously deadly glare. "Clarke, no. We were talking about you. I don't have any interest in Raven and she knows that. She just wants you to be happy."

"I don't understand. You looked really cozy together. Why were you talking about my happiness? What did she tell you?"

"She just said I should ask you if I want to know anything and that we should talk. Right now, we are both exhausted and you are upset so it is not a good time. I'm sorry you were so upset over seeing that, but you have to believe me I would never do anything to hurt you."

I turn to leave but she stops me with a soft, "Lex, don't go. Stay, please." She pats the bed next to her. I let out a deep sigh and sit next to her on the bed. "I can't stay long, we have an early morning and I still have to look over the script." She pulls me down next to her and lays her head on my shoulder and it feels like the most natural thing. She relaxes against me and once I hear her breath even out I place a small kiss on her head and slide off of the bed. I have to retreat before I get to use to this. I have to be sure that she is fully invested in whatever this is before letting myself give in to her. I know without a doubt I won't survive if I were to lose Clarke. I turn back to look at her from the door, before I retreat back to my room. I can't help but stare at how beautiful she is and how lucky I am to have her in my life.


	19. I Met A Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I met a girl, she made me smile, she made me wait, she crossed the street, she crossed my heart  
> She fixed her dress, she bit her lip, she lit me up  
> I met a girl, with crazy shoes, and beautiful greens, the way she moves  
> Is changing my whole world  
> I met a girl

CLARKE

[I Met A Girl by Sam Hunt](https://open.spotify.com/track/3oBxf3KvflYpaFSR4S3wKv)

 

I wake to find that Lexa has already gone, and from the feel of the cold sheets next to me she has been gone a while. I check the time and it is really early still, but I cannot go back to sleep. I keep replaying the image of Lexa and Raven outside and Lexa's plea that it wasn't what it looked like. I believe her, but I can't help but compare that to things that happened when I was with Finn. Looking back, I should have known that there was something going on with him, but I was blinded by what I thought was a perfect love. I don't think I would survive if something like that would happen with Lexa.

Everything I thought felt with Finn is nothing, compared to what I fell with Lexa and that is absolutely terrifying. We really need to talk, about a lot of things. I need to survive this week working with Finn before I can focus on whatever my relationship with Lexa is. I don't even know what it is that I have with Lexa, but I know enough that I care about her to not throw it away. I need to tell her about the Finn kissing scenes that are in the script this week. I knew they were going to push the on-screen relationship angle with him right away, but I didn't realize how quick and intense they would have the relationship be. I think they want it to be volatile which is good for me because I have nothing but contempt for him.

I rush downstairs to catch Lexa before she leaves but she is not anywhere downstairs. I check outside and her car is still here so maybe she went for a run. I decide to go grab my guitar, so I can play a little, while I wait for her to return. I get about halfway through one of my favorite songs to play lately, "I Met A Girl by Sam Hunt" when I the air in the room changes. I immediately somehow know Lexa came back. I can feel her eyes watching me, while I play and sing softly. When I get to the chorus I look up and meet her eyes.

 

 _I met a girl_  
_She made me smile, she made me wait_  
_She crossed the street, she crossed my heart_  
_She fixed her dress, she bit her lip, she let me up_  
_I met a girl with crazy shoes and baby blues_  
_The way she moves is changing my whole world_  
_I met a girl_

I repeat the last line a few times smiling at her and keeping the eye contact. I notice that her face gets a little red and I look at her curious if she understood. I get my answer when she acts like nothing happened and goes to her room, with only a small wave in my direction. I get up and follow her letting her know that I need to tell her something before I we go to the table read.

"Lexa. I wanted you to know that the writers have really jumped on this Finn and I relationship bandwagon. I know there are going to be some intimate scenes between the two of us filmed this week."

"Are you ok with that, Clarke?"

"No. Not really, but we do fight a lot and I am happy about that. I have only seen the first part of the script, so I don't know what they have planned for the whole episode. I just wanted you to have a heads up, so you weren't shocked at the read today."

"Thank you for letting me know. Let me know if you need to talk about anything. I need to hop in the shower, so I can make it to the read on time. I'll talk to you later Clarke."

I stand there for I don't know how long after being dismissed like that. I don't know if I am more pissed off or hurt that she cares so little about the whole thing. I go back upstairs to get ready to get to the meeting, completely confused. I guess I was the only one feeling anything, so I better get these feelings under control. I don't want Lexa to feel more uncomfortable around me that she must already feel. I force myself to calm down before I get to set, so I am not even crankier on set this week. It is going to be a really rough week being around Finn that much, but I don't want to take it out on the crew or cast.

I get to the read and take my normal chair and start to go through the scripts in front of us. I see that there are changes from the one I was given early. I see that I get to fight Finn even more and I get to slap him too. This may not be as bad as I originally though. I don't get a chance to read through the whole script though because more people arrive including Lexa. She takes the chair the furthest away from me and completely out of my line of sight. I really don't know what changed, but it seems we are back to ice princess Lexa.

I don’t have long to dwell on that because Finn sits down across from me with a huge grin on his face. I guess he got the heads up about our scenes this week. I just want to wipe that smug smile off of his face and I have already decided to not pull my punches during our fights.

"Hi Princess. I hear we get to have some fun together this week." He gloats.

"Yep if by fun you mean I get to kick your ass multiple times then, yes, fun." I retort.

We go through the first third of the script discussing the first fight between Finn and I and then a break is called. I think Raven realized that I don't want to be caught alone with Finn, because she drags me over to the snack table as soon as break is called. We get some snacks and more coffee and head outside. We chat about her new place with Octavia and how they want to decorate before she asks me about the whole on screen couple thing with Finn.

"How are you doing with that revelation?' She asks.

"I knew it was coming thankfully. And I may have instigated it, so he would leave me alone in real life."

"What? Are you insane? You can't give in to that scumbag." She practically yells.

"I have no choice Rae. He leaked the pictures of me slapping him to the media and made it seem like we were back together. I gave the go ahead to put it into a script to keep my sanity. I can't be half of a couple with him ever again. He almost destroyed me the last time and I can't let that happen again." I plead with her.

"I get it, but I don't like it. Can you make sure that I am there when you slap him on camera?" She asks.

Laughing I tell her, "Of course. I wouldn't let you miss that twice. But it’s time to go back. Let's get through this read."

The next part of the read is a little more intense. Mine and Finn's characters for a relationship based on mutual hate. All we do is fight and kiss and hate fuck, all while battling for control. All things I am uncomfortable with, but I am assured that it will all be walked through beforehand and we can modify it so that I am comfortable with it. I jokingly ask if I can pick a different actor as my romantic interest and get an answering death glare from Finn.

The last part of the script is undoubtedly my favorite though. Lexa finds Finn stealing and brings him to me to punish. It is decided that he must die for his crimes in the tradition of Lexa's people. She starts the punishment, but I stop her and take over. He was my people and I am responsible for his actions, so I must be the one that carries out his punishment. She reluctantly lets me take over and I get to kill off his character on screen in the last moments of the episode. I am thrilled that this is the end of him. I only have a small amount of time left to deal with him. It is going to be uncomfortable and very intense for the next few days, but a weight is lifted off of my shoulders knowing he will be gone after this.

I glance down the table and lock eyes with Lexa. She has a small smile on her face and I can't help but wonder what she is thinking. She quickly breaks eye contact and I can't seem to catch her attention again. The meeting is over shortly after that and I go back to my trailer until it is time to start fight training for my scenes with Finn for this episode.


	20. Drink You Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t drink you away  
> I’ve tried Jack, I’ve tried Jim,  
> I’ve tried all of their friends  
> But I can’t drink you away (no, I can't)  
> All these rocks  
> I can’t swim  
> Out of this skin  
> I'm living in

LEXA 

[Drink You Away by Justin Timberlake](https://open.spotify.com/track/6Sky6VWGUEb1zRARXKSkAQ)

 

Brushing off Clarke this morning was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Seeing that hurt look on her face when she tried to warn me that she was going to have to kiss Finn, just about killed me. After Raven noticed how I look at Clarke, I realized I needed to be more careful. I don't want to hurt either of our careers and Hollywood is not the friendliest place for women in the first place and even worse for gay women. Everyone close to me knows but we all choose to keep it quiet for the sake of my career. I always worry that I will have to give up happiness or my career and I don't know if I can choose.

I went for a run early this morning to try to clear my head and plan my next steps with Clarke and with this whole Finn situation. I don't know what he did to her, but I know that if he makes Clarke that uncomfortable, I need to do everything I can to help her. Luckily when I called my friends in the writers’ room they had already started on working to get Clarke and Finn's characters together. It was easy to convince them to kill him off too. He is not a favorite with the other cast or the crew. I just had to tell them what he was doing to Clarke and they were all for getting rid of him.

I avoided her again at the table read, because I didn't think I could keep my deal from her if I talked to her this morning. Her whole face lit up when she read that we were going to kill Finn's character together. She caught my eyes after we finished reading the scene and I could see so many emotions in her eyes. And some of the dark clouds that had been there since her run in with Finn seem to have lifted. I have to look away before I can't resist going to her, and work to try to avoid her for the rest of the day.

I don't have a whole lot to do on the set for this episode, so I mainly hang out with Raven and Octavia and help them train for their scenes, go over lines, etc. I am really happy to have friends on this set, because I have realized it makes everything more fun. We joke and laugh all day, and this is honestly the best time I have ever had on a set.

I try to watch Clarke's scenes without being noticed and seeing her with Finn is rough. I can tell she is having a hard time being in such close contact with him, but there is nothing I can do here to help her. She hasn't been coming home until really late each night and from what Raven has been telling me she has been getting wasted every night. I am getting really worried about her and how closely this echoes what happen with Costia.

I thought Costia and I were happy. So very happy and completely in love, that at the time I didn't think anything else mattered. So that’s why she hid her pain, her failures, her depression, her battles, everything from me. It all got to be too much, and she turned to drugs and alcohol instead of me. I could feel her getting more and more distant with each day but in my naiveté, I didn't know what to do about it. In confronting her I thought I could help her, get her to confide in me, get her to see that our love could save her, but ultimately, I was so very wrong.

Instead of helping her, my confrontation is what killed her. I killed her. She left our apartment and went on a 24-hour bender. She was so messed up that when she called me to come pick her up, I couldn't understand what she said or where she was. She got the idea that she should come find me, and died in a horrible one car crash on the way back to our place. The accident was so bad that it took days to identify her body. I was miserable not knowing where she was or if something happened to her. When I finally found out what happened from her family, I was beyond distraught. I was inconsolable for weeks. I still blame myself for her death and I know if anything happened to Clarke, it would be the end of me.

My nightmares had returned full force this week, but I am now picturing that it’s Clarke that I am fighting with and seeing horrible images of her dying right in front of me. The nightmares are why I am up at 2 am tonight. This one was one of the worst yet and I am completely rattled. I know I am not falling back asleep anytime soon, so I go out to the kitchen to get something to drink. What I find there is more surprising than anything I could have imagined.

Clarke is sitting at the island with an empty bottle of wine next to her. I stop and stare at the sight in front of me and try to keep my laughter in, so I don't wake her. She lifts her head and has a huge grin on her face.

"Hi Lexa!!! You’re here! Wait, what are you doing up? I think it’s late. I don’t really know, but I know you are avoiding me."

"Clarke, no. I knew this week was going to be hard for you and I didn't want to add to that."

"This week has been great. I have to make out with my ex-boyfriend for hours at a time and have it recorded. He gets to play grabby hands and enjoy himself, while I feel like I am going to vomit anytime I am in the same room as him. The one person I want to talk to is avoiding me. Yep, this week has been really fucking amazing."

"Is that why you have been drinking so much?"

"You know I never actually wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be a Marine Biologist, but I couldn't math or science, so that was out and here I am." She tells me. "Now I am on this amazing show and completely miserable. The one person I love to spend time with on the cast is avoiding me and I have to spend all my time with my ex, Finn the Fucker." She gets up to go upstairs and stumbles into me.

I grab her to help her stand intending to help her upstairs. I steady her in front of me and my heart breaks for her, and all of the pain that I see in her eyes. Before I know what is happening she grabs the back of my neck and gently presses her mouth to mine. What starts as a gentle, soft, sweet kiss quickly morphs into something full of need and want. I feel her tongue pressing on my lips asking for permission to deepen the kiss and immediately answer. She gives a soft moan and we get lost in the kiss and each other. This kiss is so full of passion and want and need that I know that I need to put a stop to this. I couldn’t stand for Clarke will regret kissing me, later, when she is sober.

She is so venerable with everything that is going on and I am not going to add to that or provide any space for her to have any regrets about us. I slowly pull back and she whines at the loss of my lips. I smile and press a soft kiss on her lips. I know she can feel the smile on my face and I can feel her smile against my lips too.

"Clarke. This is not the time for this. You are drunk and going through a lot with Finn right now. I don't want you to do anything you will regret. Let's get you to bed. We can talk more in the morning." I want to add if you remember this at all, but I don't. I can't bring myself to think she may forget the best kiss I have ever had.

I start to help her upstairs when she starts pulling me toward my room. I am so weak for this girl, that I let her lead me to my bed. "Clarke this is not a good idea." I tell her.

"I just want to sleep, Lex. I always sleep so well when I am with you. I need my beauty sleep."

I relent and crawl back into bed, nightmare long forgotten, and fall in to a calm peaceful sleep with Clarke in my arms. 

When I wake up in the morning, Clarke is still sleeping peacefully in my arms. Somehow in the night we have intertwined our legs and become one big tangle of limbs. I don't want to move but I know we both must get to set early today. I try to gently wake Clarke. I try saying her name and shaking her, but she just snuggles deeper into my side. I can't get her to wake up, so I try another tactic. I nuzzle into her neck and press soft kisses along the soft skin on her collarbone and neck. She moans softly, and I can see her eyes starting to open, "Why did you stop?" She murmurs sleepily.

"It's time to get up so we can go kill Finn." I tell her simply.

Her eyes pop open and she takes in her surroundings and being in my bed. "I thought that was a dream. I thought you were a dream." She tells me. She shields her eyes from the bright sunlight coming in the windows and I wince for her. I forgot how drunk she was last night. She must have a terrible hangover today.

"We have to get moving so we can go in. I let you sleep as long as I could." I tell her as I get up to go take a shower. I rush through my morning routine, so I am not late, but I can't say that I am not a little disappointed to see Clarke is no longer in my bed. That is something I could get used to, but I am not going to get my hopes up.


	21. Sorry for Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn finally gets what he deserves
> 
> And I'll be sorry for now  
> That I couldn't be around  
> Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned  
> Oh I'll be sorry for now  
> That I couldn't be around  
> There will be a day that you will understand  
> You will understand

CLARKE

[Sorry For Now by Linkin Park](https://open.spotify.com/track/34isqXjbTstbYwl2MfdzDq)

 

Waking up to kisses from Lexa in bed was the best kind of dream, but once reality kicked in I had to get away from there. I can't believe I kissed her last night. I can't believe she kissed me back, but even more I can't believe she had the self-control to end it. She really is a good person and always thinks of others first. I may not have had any regrets about making a move on Lexa, but I would have regretted not being sober and remembering every single detail.

I needed to get some space to myself to think this all out. I don’t know what is going on with Lexa, but I know this is not just normal lust at first sight. I have to focus on getting through the last of my scenes with Finn today. If I put some distance between Lexa and I, for a little while, I will be able to process whatever is going on between the two of us. I need to put all this shit with Finn behind me before I can think about any of that. At least I have an epic fight scene today to focus on, so I am not focusing on what I want to say to Lexa.

I arrive on set early, so I have some time before the final rehearsal for the fight. I have been so sore lately that I really need to do all I can to stretch and warm up. I’m sure all the hangovers play a role in that too, but I don’t want to think about it right now. I go into the training room and put my ear buds in and get started on my pre-training routine.

I am so lost in my music that I don't hear Finn come in to the room. He comes over, grabs me and tries to kiss me. His mouth is not the one I want on mine, especially not after that amazing kiss with Lexa. Instinct kicks in and I pull away, only to see that Lexa came in while Finn was being an asshole. She has a hurt look on her face, but quickly schools it back to her ice princess face. Now I wish I had punched him again.

In rehearsal, I get my chance. He is not putting much effort into this fight like he thinks he can take Lexa and I with no effort and once again I am so happy to be rid of this guy soon. He only halfheartedly dodges a punch and I go all out not pulling my punch at all and nail him right in the jaw. I knew one day that boxing training with Raven was going to pay off, I just didn’t realize it would be this satisfying. It is almost where Lexa hit me that first week, but unlike me, Finn is on the ground whining and crying about how much it hurts. I shrug and say "Accidents happen in training Finn. Man up and let’s get this over with."

I can see the stunt guys snickering in the corner and some can barely contain their laughter. I guess I am not the only one that felt he deserved that. He lays there for a little while longer soaking the attention up. The stunt people call a short break while they deal with his pansy ass.

I try to catch Lexa before she runs out of the room, but she is too quick for me. I don't know where she disappeared to, but she is nowhere to be found. I give up my search when I run into Raven. I tell her all about what Finn did my reaction, and Lexa's reaction to it. She makes me agree to go out with her and Octavia tonight to clear my head. I don't get a chance to tell her about me knocking Finn out, before Octavia comes up and gives me a high five for ‘putting that dick in his place’ as she puts it. Apparently, he has been a handsy asshole to many of the girls around here, and just like that tonight quickly morphs into a celebration of him leaving the show/me knocking him out. I convince Octavia and Raven to try to get Lexa to come out too, since she isn't taking to me now.

I get back to the room right as Lexa does. I try to pull her aside, but she brushes me off and heads into the room. We finish up the rehearsal quickly and head get ready to film the end fight scene that ends with me killing Finn. We all quickly get into costume and make up and make our way to the part of set we are filming on today. Blocking goes quick since we were all just practicing this scene and before I know it we are filming.

Lexa is on fire with this scene she has the attention of everyone on set. She is so mesmerizing to watch play this role. I watch as she tells Finn's character his fate and leads him to the circle to be executed. We get to the part where I rush in and have words with Lexa. I am having issues with my part of this scene and I can tell that people are getting frustrated with the delays. I know my character is upset over her lover being killed, but I am happy it about this. I realize that I need to use some sort of motivation to get the feeling right. Finally, I am able to channel all of my confusion and pain into my character’s words. I nail my lines, and as soon as they call cut, everyone is telling us how powerful the exchange was.

Next up is the decision that I should be the one to end his life. I have to fight to keep my smile from my face and keep my face somber. To help my struggle, I picture what it would be like if it was Lexa up there instead of Finn and that does the trick. The tears come, and the scene is beautiful. I pour everything into the kiss I have to give him as I plunge the knife into his chest. I know that Lexa's character was supposed to help drive the blade in, but this way felt more cathartic. We are allowed to ad lib sometimes, so I hope that makes the cut. I hear them call cut and then call a wrap.  I quickly realize I was worried for nothing. They all loved how it turned out and just like that this whole nightmare is over.

I am in a hurry to leave set today. I want to put Finn behind me and the longer I stick around the easier it will be for him to harass me again. Before I can even make it home the girls are calling me to make sure I am still coming out with them. They agree to come pick me up in an hour and they reassure me that they have the whole night planned out already. That is a relief, because I don’t want to think about anything tonight. I am finally free of Finn again

I am not surprised to see that Lexa is not around when I get back to the house, but in some ways I am a little hurt over it. After all of the emotion of the day I don't know if I am ready to talk to her tonight. I have so much I need to say, so much to explain and I need some time to work it all out. I make a promise to myself that I will talk to her this weekend about everything.

The girls arrive right on time and we are off for a crazy night of celebration and debauchery. I can already tell that this is going to be an epic night. I just hope they were able to convince Lexa to come, but I refuse to ask them.

We start the night off pretty low key with sushi and sake. Everyone is laughing at my story of punching Finn and we all go into our fight training accidents. A few times I think we are about to get kicked out, but miraculously they just tell us to keep it down. After our third of fourth close call we are off to then next adventure, karaoke.

None of us can sing worth a damn but we are too tipsy to care. I do my amazing rendition of Hurricane by Halsey and then get roped in to a duet of Islands in the Stream with Octavia. These girls are crazy, but this is the most fun I have had in a long time. We all sing a few more songs and then head out once the bar starts to get a little rowdy.

The last stop for the evening is a small club that has an amazing DJ. Raven and Octavia have been coming here often so he knows them pretty well and tonight they reserved us the entire upstairs. They really went all out for this celebration, but I guess Raven knows how happy I am to be rid of that creep.

We are all dancing and laughing and generally having a good time without guys around, when a group of guys start sniffing around us. A few of the girls break off to dance with some of the guys. Out of the corner of my eye I see a guy that looks like Finn, but when I turn to look he is nowhere to be found. I shake off the odd feeling that I am being watched and go over to find Raven and Octavia, who had taken a break from dancing. Taking a breather from dancing, we chat about getting together again this weekend and inviting more people. It was such fun last week, but I make sure to make it clear to cut back on the alcohol consumed and brought.

We all make our way out the dance floor again and are swarmed with guys again, some taking the hint, some not. One guy didn't get the hint and started rubbing all over me and getting a little too handsy. I turned around to tell him off and was shocked to find that the obnoxious guy was Finn. I start telling him off and he just laughs in my face. I try to fight him off of me, but I have had quite a bit to drink and he is much stronger than me on a good day. Suddenly he is jerked back, and I see Lexa is the one that pulled him away. I always forget how strong she is. I watch in stunned silence as she hits Finn so square in the jaw he passes out cold. She grabs me by her hand and leads me out of the club. I am still so in shock, that she could have led me just about anywhere. I really hope someone got that on camera

When we get home I finally find my voice and ask Lexa, "That was amazing. What was that?"

"I have wanted to do that for a long time, but he was man handling you and you didn't want him to. He seems like the type that won't take no for an answer, so I made him understand."

She says it so matter of factly that I laugh a little which in my pseudo drunken state turns into a fully-fledged laughing fit. I can see Lexa start to get annoyed, so I try to reign it in for her sake. "Thank you for what you did. That was amazing. I forget how strong you are sometimes."

"Raven and Octavia said you wanted me to go celebrate with you tonight and now I am glad I did. He really was a total douche. I am so happy he is gone."

"He apparently hasn't gotten the memo.” I hold up my phone, “He is still texting me like crazy. Annndd he is really not happy with you, or the fact that I left with you."

"I don't care if he is happy or not. He was being an asshole and deserved what he got. I am exhausted and my hand sort of hurts. I am heading to bed. Have a good night."

"Lex, wait. Please talk to me. At least let me look at your hand."

She relents and comes back over so I can look at her hand. It is red and a little swollen, but she did not break anything except for maybe Finn's pride. I get her a bandage, some ice and a painkiller and help her to bed. "Can I stay here tonight?" I ask her softly.

"I don't think that is a good idea Clarke."

With that I head upstairs and try to wrap my brain around the events of the last few days. So much has happened, both with the show and with Lexa and I don't know what to make of her hot and cold act. I know seeing me with Finn hurt her, but I thought she knew how I felt about him. I guess I need to be really clear with her. I fall asleep having made up my mind to talk to her first thing in the morning.


	22. Bad at Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at love  
> But you can't blame me for tryin'  
> You know I'd be lyin' sayin'  
> You were the one  
> That could finally fix me  
> Lookin' at my history  
> I'm bad at love

LEXA

[Bad at Love by Halsey](https://open.spotify.com/track/7y9iMe8SOB6z3NoHE2OfXl)

 

This week has been pure hell. I didn't realize how close I had become with Clarke and staying away from her all week was torture. It was even worse seeing her drinking so much to avoid her pain caused by that asshole. I didn't pull my punches on set and that felt great but knocking him out in front of all of his friend tonight was the best feeling. Hopefully now he will get the message and stay away.

I know that I need to talk to Clarke and I know she wants to talk to me. I can't do either until I stop myself from freaking out over Clarke drinking so much this week and the similarities with Costia. It is better if I hide out until I can separate the two beautiful, complicated women in my head. It is not fair to Clarke for me to still be suffering so much over a ghost, but I don't know how to forgive myself for what I didn't see.

All I have wanted to do this week is be there for Clarke, but it is the absolute worst thing I could do. I know she still has issues to get over with Finn too and those on top of my issues with Costia may be insurmountable if we don't try to figure things out on our own first.

I have the next few days away from set, so I distance myself from the house and Clarke as much as I can. I go for long runs and enjoy the beautiful scenery in Vancouver. I know Clarke is looking for me and she keeps texting me asking me to come home. She sounds really upset and frustrated, so I finally head back to the house late that afternoon.

I head straight to my room and am shocked to see Clarke on my bed crying softly. My first instinct is to go to her, but I cannot. I need to be strong for both of us. Instead I sit on the edge of my bed and give her a minute to collect herself.

"Are you ok, Clarke? Did something happen?" I ask her.

She is still sniffling a bit but manages to squeak out, "I thought you were gone. You have become one of my closest friends and now you are pushing me away and I don't know what to do about it."

"I know that this is hard, but we both have things we need to work through and not jump into anything. We both enjoy spending time together, but I just can't go any further. I don't know how to figure things out and be around you all of the time. It makes me want to..."

"Want to what?"

"Nothing. Never mind. We need to talk things through and figure out things, but I am tired and sweaty from my run and would really like some food and a shower."

"Ok go get cleaned up and I will make us some dinner."

I head into the bathroom to shower off some of the sweat off of me. I spend an extra long time in the shower trying to come up with how to talk to Clarke, but I come up empty. I take my time in getting dressed to. I know I am delaying the inevitable, but I can't force myself to move any faster. I really don't want to face her or my problems tonight.

I am in luck because it looks like Clarke doesn't want to face the hard stuff tonight either. When I get to the kitchen she is dancing around and making a homemade pasta sauce at the stove. She is singing a song that sounds very familiar, but I can't place it. She turns around, sees me and smiles brightly.

"I hope you are hungry. I made my famous Arribata sauce. It has just a hint of spice and I have some fresh garlic bread in the oven."

"I am starving but you didn't have to go to all this trouble."

"Cooking helps me think. And this is all pretty simple if you have the ingredients."

I take a seat at the island across from her and ask her about the song she was singing. "It's called Bad at Love by Halsey. I can't get it out of my head. Here I will play it for you while I finish up dinner."

She grabs her phone and puts it on the speaker in the kitchen and this beautiful song with its haunting melody starts blaring from her phone.

 

I'm bad at love  
But you can't blame me for tryin'  
You know I'd be lyin' sayin'  
You were the one  
That could finally fix me  
Lookin' at my history  
I'm bad at love

I am mesmerized by the song but more so by the blonde in front of me. She is singing along and it is all so perfect that I don't realize I got up until I reach Clarke. I reach out and gently caress her jaw where I hit her a few weeks ago. She pushes her head into my hand and holds my hand to her face. Before I can register that I am moving, I slowly lean forward and press my lips softly to hers. I don't press or try to make the kiss deeper, just hold my lips to hers with the briefest hit of pressure. I pull back slightly in shock and her eyes spring open with a small smile her lips. It is all I can do to back away and return to my seat at the island.

She pulls the bread out of the oven and we make our plates and sit across from each other at the island. We sit and eat in easy silence, both alone with our thoughts but with that calming effect that we have on each other. We finish eating and without a word, work together to clean up the dishes and put everything away. Once that is finished we agree once again wordlessly head to bed. She surprises me though by taking my hand and pulling me upstairs.

"Clarke nothing can happen."

"Lex, that's ok I just want to be around you. Nothing has to happen. Nothing will happen if you don’t want it to. I just need to be around you as much as I can after this week. You make me feel safe and I could really use that right now."

I head back downstairs to get ready for bed, after promising Clarke I would be back. She smiles one of those perfect small smiles that feel like a million bucks when you are privy to them. It doesn't take me long to get ready and I head back upstairs to Clarke's room. She is not quite finished getting ready and left her bathroom door open slightly. I try not to look, but I can't help it. She is swaying back and forth in front of the vanity humming while taking her makeup off. I am once again mesmerized by her movements and don't notice that she has turned and caught me looking. I can't even be embarrassed over it, so I just shrug and get under the covers.

She finishes up quickly and climbs into bed and snuggles up to my side. "Thank you Lexa" she says quietly.

"For what?" I ask.

"For being there for me. For being an amazing friend. For punching Finn. Take your pick."

I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head. She sighs softly and snuggles even closer to me. We both quickly drift off, wrapped up in each other.


	23. BANANA PANCAKES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But the telephone's singing ringing  
> It's too early don't pick it up  
> We don't need to  
> We got everything we need right here  
> And everything we need is enough  
> Just so easy when the whole world fits inside of your arms  
> Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm  
> Wake up slow  
> Mmm wake up slow

CLARKE 

[BANANA PANCAKES by Jack Johnson](https://open.spotify.com/track/451GvHwY99NKV4zdKPRWmv)

 

I wake up wrapped around Lexa in my bed. There are worse things I could think of to wake up to. I try and fail to disentangle myself several times, so I take a page from Lexa's book and start peppering her neck and collarbone with kisses. She doesn't even open her eyes when she pulls my mouth to hers. My shock lasts only a fraction of a second, as she deepens the kiss.

This sleepy kiss is so familiar and so intimate that everything else fades away. Our kiss becomes more like we are playing with each other. Getting to know each other and our likes and dislikes. Lexa moans my name and I break the kiss and place a small soft kiss on her lips.

"Lex open your eyes."

Her eyes spring open when she realizes where she is, who she is with and what she said. I have to laugh at her and the panic that is in her eyes, so I kiss her to distract her and stop her from thinking so hard. This kiss is no less passionate, but is a little more give and take. A little more wild than the last ones. She puts her hands in my hair and rubs my scalp and I moan in pleasure; it feels so good to have her hands on me while we are kissing.

"Clarke," she pants. "We should stop." She gives herself away when she whines when I pull away slightly. I smile brightly and plant a quick kiss on her lips. I get out of bed and throw on some warmer clothes.

"Come on sleepy head. Let’s get some breakfast and decide what we want to do today."

She stretches her arms and shifts under the covers. I can't help but to watch like she watched me last night. She is so toned and fit and sexy. She has no idea how beautiful she really is, without the makeup, without the shadows in her eyes, without her walls. I make it my mission to make her see herself the way I see her. She catches me watching and exaggerates her motions like I did to her last night. And then she laughs. Her laugh is so carefree and amazing. I wish others could see this side of Lexa.

"I thought you were going to make some breakfast and not stare at me all day." She teases me.

"I never said I was going to make breakfast and who says those things are mutually exclusive. I can multitask with the best of them." I tell her with a small kiss and bound out of the room. We have things to talk about and work through before anything more happens. I am going to have to keep myself and Lexa busy and remind her how good we are together.

"Lex are you coming downstairs today?" I yell up the stairs.

"No! It's cozy and warm up here. It's cold and bright out there." She whines.

I put on some music and start to make pancakes. I am mixing everything when I hear Lexa coming downstairs. I turn around and see that she stole my favorite oversized sweatshirts and I can't keep the grin from my face. I know I should play it cool, but seeing her in one of my favorite shirts does something to me and makes me irrationally happy. Wow I guess I am in deeper than I thought. Just being around this woman makes me happy and it is an amazing feeling I am not giving up without giving it my all.

While I was staring out into space and thinking about what all this means Lexa has made her way over to me. I turn around to start mixing again when she comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me. I lean back into her embrace and it feels like the most natural thing for us.

"What are you making?" She asks as she places a small kiss on my neck.

"Pancakes. Blueberry and Banana." I tell her, holding up the bags of fruit. She places another tiny kiss on my shoulder this time and retreats to the island to watch me work as she puts it. I could get used to having her around like this. I wonder if she feels the same.

"Mmmm, banana is my favorite, like that Jack Johnson song." She says. Right on queue Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson comes on. I stop mixing and pull Lexa from her seat. We dance around the kitchen to the song. Lexa tries to spin me around and we end up crashing together making us both laugh. I spin away from her and go back to making our breakfast.

"Where did you learn to cook?" She asks.

"I cooked a lot with my mum growing up. I was a natural and I picked up things quickly. I really started to enjoy it, so I took over cooking for the family. I taught myself new recipes and watched videos to learn new things. I love feeding people." I tell her.

"That is amazing, Clarke. How old were you when you started cooking more?" She asks.

"I was twelve when my mom first started to let me cook some of the meals and by the time I was sixteen I was making most of our meals. I started teaching my little brother and sister how to make some of our favorites and now they help out too."

"Are you close with your siblings?"

"Yes. We talk all the time over Skype, but I miss them like crazy. We are all pretty close, not really in age but we have always been close. I try to get home to see them as much as I can. What about you?"

"I am an only child, but I talk to my parents all the time. I don't get home very often anymore though."

She seems really sad about not going home often and I want to press, but I won't. Instead I bring the pancakes over and we enjoy them chatting more about our lives growing up. It progresses to our acting jobs and how insane and horrible auditions can be. We continue chatting and laughing for a while longer and then decide that we should go for a walk. Well Lexa says run, but that is not going to happen. We get changed and meet outside.

I reluctantly agree to start a run with Lexa, but she quickly realizes that she is not going to be able to keep her usual pace. She slows down to run next to me and laughs. I know I have my "I hate running" face on and I try to school my features a little better for her benefit. We run for about 15 minutes and I slow down even more. Lexa starts literally running circles around me. I start laughing at her making faces at me while running and soon I have to stop because I am laughing too hard.

"Lex stop it." I pant. "I can't breathe."

"I thought you liked to run, Clarke. We didn't have to do this. I would have been happy with a nice walk. I wish I had a picture of you running though, that was priceless." She says.

"Fine. I hate exercising. Especially running. I know it is a necessary evil, but I hate it, with a capitol H. It was better running with someone, but I still hate it." I feel better telling her. "I really like boxing, kickboxing, Barre, and sometimes yoga, but as a general principle I stay away from exercise."

She laughs again and pulls me along behind her. I laugh at her exaggerated slow pace and she turns, "Is this slow enough for you? I wouldn't want you to inadvertently burn some calories."

We walk together for a long while talking and laughing and generally enjoying the outdoors. We end up circling back to the house when my stomach starts rumbling again. "How can someone be in such great shape and not exercise or watch what you eat?"

I laugh "I guess I am just lucky. I really love food and I really hate working out. I never said I didn't work out, just that I really hate it. Next time I pick the workout activity and we'll see how well you keep up."

I make us a couple of sandwiches for lunch and split an orange with Lexa. We make plans to go shopping for more stuff for her room later this afternoon, but just want to hang out and relax for now. She grabs her kindle and I go get my guitar and meet Lexa out on the deck. The weather really is beautiful right now and I really want to enjoy every minute I can. Both with Lexa and the amazing weather.


	24. Hold My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't be afraid to hold this  
> Even the thorns have roses  
> I know I can stand alone  
> But I can't love on my own
> 
> I might be strong, I might be weak  
> There might be a part of me that I won't let you keep  
> Been on this road, and come this far  
> I don't need a man to hold my hand  
> I just want one to hold my heart  
> (I just want one to hold my heart)

LEXA 

[Hold My Heart by Lindsey Stirling feat. ZZ Ward](https://open.spotify.com/track/7erUKScrf1npdWVDCy3WjO)

 

Clarke and I hang out together all day and it was one of my top ten favorite days ever. I stopped reading a while ago, to watch her playing her guitar. Everything about this girl fascinates me and I have finally decided to stop fighting it. We have been really affectionate, and I know that I am not alone in this attraction, but I still don't know if I am just an experiment to her or a rebound. I know we just need to talk about it all, but I can't bring myself to interrupt our little weekend bubble, with something so heavy. It needs to happen soon because it is getting harder and harder to resist her advances.

She looks up and sees me watching her, and this time I don't get embarrassed or turn away. I just own it and am rewarded with a beautiful bright smile. I was wrong before, this may be my favorite smile yet. I ask her about song writing and music some more and she invites me to listen to her Skype session with her siblings on the song she was working on. Apparently, they are all working together on it. I quickly agree but I didn't realize she meant right now. We are both sitting on her bed and she introduces me to her sister Charlotte and brother Aden. They catch up a little and then start working on the song again. They are all amazing, but even better when they all start playing together in perfect harmony. They are all laughing and caught up in the music and I start to feel like I am intruding on their special moments. I quietly leave the room and head back downstairs to my room.

I light some of the candles I picked up last weekend and grab a book from the library. I love reading by candle light, well really, I just love candles. I used to have them everywhere when I was at home and I think that I could start to feel at home here with Clarke. That thought comes out of nowhere and it is something I haven't thought about since I first started seeing Costia. Even then it was not this powerful. I enjoyed living with Costia and spending time with her, but with Clarke it feels as is my day is not complete until I see her, talk to her, hold her. I am in way deeper than I thought and the urgency of the conversation we need to have hits me. I need to tell her everything and I hope she can tell me everything about Finn.

She comes and finds me about an hour later. "Sorry, we were really into it today. I didn't even notice you left until about five minutes ago. They really liked you." She tells me.

I laugh, "How do they know if they like me? I said like 5 words the whole time I was up there and the rest I was just watching you guys play."

"It's because you were watching me. Showing an interest in my playing and spending time with my family. They are really important to me, and sometimes Finn wasn't such a nice guy to them." She tells me solemnly.

"Want to talk about it. Him?"

"You know I actually do, but can we eat first? Someone made me exercise today and I am starving."

I laugh and lead her into the kitchen. She whips up a quick meal that I am once again wowed by. We laugh and eat both avoiding the inevitable. She asks about the candles all over my room and has to laugh a little because my only answer is that I like them. There really is no other explanation. I just really love candles. She admits that it was nice to have them lighting my room instead of overhead lights. We clean up dinner and she lead me back to my room. I didn't blow out the candles and I guess she really does like the ambiance they create.

She gets a more serious look on her face and I sit facing her on my bed. She moves to sit against the headboard and takes my hand. I get comfy sitting against the headboard too and she puts her head on my shoulder. She takes a deep breath and says, "I am just going to rip the band aid off and tell you everything from the start. If it’s ok, please let me get through everything before you ask questions, so I can make it through." I nod in agreement and she starts.

"I met Finn when we were both on a show in Australia, it was one of the soaps and he was this hot American that had a reoccurring role. I was the new girl on set and he picked me, it was so exciting. He was so kind, so attentive, and pretty much the perfect boyfriend. Once his role ended and my role continued we did the long-distance thing. Getting time to call or email was hard, but we both made it work. He would come visit and I would go to whatever set he was on if I could. It was taxing and hard on our relationship, but luckily for me or so I thought my role ended and I could join him full time until I found my next role.

He started getting late night calls and having meetings all over the place at a moment's notice. I was so happy in love I didn't think anything of it. We took a trip to visit my family and he proposed. He had even asked my father for my hand and all that crap. We had a massive party on a boat we rented for everyone and that night while everyone was sleeping Finn disappeared. It looked like he fell overboard but no evidence or body was ever found. We were engaged, so dealing with everything fell to me. I had to tell his family and deal with their backlash, as well as the horrible things the media said. They accused me of all kinds of nasty things like I killed him to become famous and that was one of the nicer things.

It was all really hard on me. I hid out at my parents’ house for as long as I could, and I was not in a good place for a long time. About 9 months later I was finally feeling myself and started going on auditions again and starting to get my life back. I went to LA for pilot season and Finn showed up at my door on day, perfectly fine. I went ballistic and started hitting and kicking him. I left the next morning. I didn't wait to get an explanation from him or word on any of the pilots I was there for. I took it really hard, but it was even harder when Finn decided to come to my parents’ house to tell me what he did and why. Well he never really had a good why, but anyway. He said that being in a relationship scared him and he needed to get away for a bit, but now he was back and wanted to get back together. My little brother did not take it well and beat up Finn. He was arrested." I gasp and the tears she had been fighting, finally fell.

"Finn dropped the charges when I told him that I would tell the tabloids everything he had told me. He had his side girlfriend meet him at the boat and made it look like an accident. The two of them went to the tropics for six months and he said it made him realize how much he missed me. He had already told his parents and they forgave him, but there was no way I could. I had been looking back at his actions and I saw our relationship in a different light that I had before. He left me alone even when I moved to LA, until we both started this show. Then it all came back, and he was still the same smug asshole who did whatever he wanted and only cared about himself.

The last week was so hard for me. It was the worst it has been in a long time. I had to pretend to like him and be close to him when really being around him made my skin crawl." She is full on sobbing now. I hold her close to me and rub circles on her back and just let her cry it all out.

"I am so sorry you had to deal with that selfish, narcistic asshole. I am so happy I talked the writers into killing him off." I hear her softly gasp. Shit, I forgot she didn't know about that yet. "I knew being around him was not good for you and he was an asshole on set too. If I had known about all the shit, he pulled I would have pushed harder for him to get killed much sooner."

"You really asked the writers to kill his character? I can't believe you did that." She smiles and kisses me softly. That was not the reaction I was expecting. I can’t say I am not am happy she was not upset with me over this. I was so scared that this would cause problems for whatever we are.  "I was so worried that you would be upset with me for butting in."

"Never. That was one of the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, even if I didn't know about it." She says.

She is right in front of me looking into my eyes and I am struck by how blue her eyes look even after she has been crying. They are like the ocean and I get lost in them. I lean forward slightly and place a gentle kiss on her lips. She groans and grabs the back of my neck pulling us even closer. She deepens the kiss and I can feel every ounce of emotion she is pouring into it. I pull away taking a ragged breath and we are both breathing heavy with our foreheads pressed together.

"Clarke, I need to know I am not just a rebound or a way to get over Finn. I need you to be sure and that is not an experiment for you." I tell her pulling back slightly.

"You are not a rebound. I understand what you are saying, and we can take it slow until I can prove that to you." She tells me.

I really want to tell her all about my past Costia, but I am a coward. I can't tell her it all tonight. After hearing about what Finn put her through I don't want to cause her any more pain. She asks me to tell her who hurt me.  I can’t refuse her. Her not so simple request is so soft and so small and un-Clarke like that I am compelled to tell her. She encourages me to talk about her. And that is how I end up telling her all about Costia, well mostly the good parts anyway.

"In college I met this beautiful, amazing, vibrant girl. Her name was Costia and at the time I was so confused about everything. She showed me how to be me and how to open up and recognize that Love is Love. I grew up in a very Christian household and was not raised to see same sex relationships as beautiful. My parents never had anything against them, but they were generally looked down upon. I knew for a long time that I was different from the other girls in school because all of the hot boys they were drooling over didn't interest me. I was afraid of how I would be viewed if they knew the truth, so I was so happy to be able to go to school in the US. She made me see that nothing was wrong with me and helped me work up the courage to tell my parents. I was worried for nothing, because somehow my parents already knew. They were happy that I could be myself and be happy. It actually made our relationship better, which is the one bright spot in the story of Costia and I."

"I don't believe that is the one bright spot. This girl helped you become the Lexa I know and that is just as important." She tells me.

I laugh and tell her there is much more to the story, and go back to telling her about Costia. "She was the pixie of a girl with wild brown hair and the most amazing chocolate eyes. Her eyes were fascinating to me they had so many flecks of gold and green and blue that I could stare into them for hours. I was immediately attracted to her but too chicken to talk to her. She caught me looking more times than I care to admit and when I tried and failed to ask her out she took matters into her own hands. She stopped me after class that day and asked me out. She had this orbit that would suck you in and make you want to never leave her.

We ended up skipping the rest of our classes that day, which for me is no small thing. We laughed and talked, and she made me feel wanted, special, and the center of her universe. It was an amazing feeling for someone that had never really had that growing up. It was also an addicting feeling. I know that now, but at the time I just saw how happy we were. How happy she made me. Pretty soon we were spending all of our non-class time together and she even met my parents on one of my rare calls home. She urged me to tell them and I am so happy I did. They talked to her often like she was their missing daughter and I was frequently over at her family's house. She was my first everything and I was completely lost in her. She was so funny and made people so at ease that everyone wanted to be around us. At first, I didn't know what to do with all of the attention, but I quickly realized that I liked it. She pushed me into doing theater and I fell in love with the theater too. I am so glad I did, I found out how much I loved being on stage. There is nothing like the feeling you get when you perform something perfectly."

"She sounds amazing. I wish I could meet her." She tells me.

I inhale sharply; Clarke doesn’t know Costia died because of me. I don't know if I can handle her leaving because of the monster I am, so I tell her softly. "I know she would have loved that. She would have loved you."

She seems to ignore the past tense in my statement and I think she can sense that I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight. She gets up and starts to help me blow out the candles all over my room. She goes upstairs to get ready for bed and I do the same. I swear she is trying to kill me, because she comes back down in these tiny shorts and a tight tank. I have to work hard to not start drooling and I catch the little smirk she gives me before she climbs under the covers. I decide to mess with her too and go to the closet to change. I pull off my shirt and bra with my back to her and then slide my silk tank on with my boy shorts. I don't miss the look in her eyes as I walk back to the bed. As soon as I get under the covers she pulls me close to her and we snuggle up and drift off to sleep holding each other tight.


	25. Ready For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keep thinking about you  
> Thinking you almost slipped through  
> There won't be another day I let you get away  
> I keep calling 'til your guard comes down  
> 'Cause I wanna keep you around  
> 'Cause we started something good  
> But just know that before you  
> I wasn't ready (for you)  
> I wasn't ready (for you)  
> When you first met me (for you)  
> That's what I'm gonna do  
> I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready for you, baby  
> I wasn't ready for you, baby  
> For you, baby, for you, baby  
> I wasn't ready for you

CLARKE 

[Ready for You by HAIM ](https://open.spotify.com/track/1ASQSdVgFVwDMOAXn2Tvvh)

 

I wake up lighter than I have been, since this whole thing with Finn happened. It felt right to tell Lexa and tell my feelings to someone. The fact that she understood and just supported me was a big deal to me. That and her calming effect on me made it so much easier to talk to her. The fact that Lexa and I are tangled up together in her bed again doesn't hurt my mood either. She is still sleeping peacefully so I watch her sleep for a few minutes before falling back asleep myself.

I wake up a little while later and Lexa is restless next to me. I think she may be having a bad dream. I gently try to wake her. I can't stand it when she is hurting. I pull her close and play with her hair while placing soft kisses all over her face. She slowly starts to awaken and opens her eyes. If the smile she forms is any indication she is happy waking up together too.

"Morning, Clarke." She says sleepily. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"I think you were having a bad dream. I have been trying to wake you up for a few minutes. Do you want to talk about it?" I ask her.

"I don't remember what it was about. I don't even remember having one." She says. "But being woken up like that is never a bad thing."

"Thank you for telling me about Costia last night. I know that wasn't easy for you and it meant a lot that you opened up to me."

I really mean it. I know she is not open with everyone and I feel special that she chose me. She probably doesn't realize it, but the way she described Costia is how I feel about her sometimes. She is this force that has pulled me in. I can’t, and I don't want to escape. I know there is more to the story, but I am not going to push her. She will tell me when she feels ready and I will feel privileged to get the whole story.

We lay in bed talking and laughing about random stuff until my traitorous stomach makes its hunger known. I am always hungry, and I know it's crazy but it’s true. My stomach is always growling at the worst times and normally it makes me laugh but not today. Today I don't want to leave our little cozy cocoon.

She laughs at me and we get up in search of food. We are running low on groceries, so we settle for some fruit and decide to go to the store later. We finish off all the rest of the fruit we have here, and clean up the kitchen. I grab her hands and make her look at me. When she turns I notice everything about how her eyes look different shades of green according to her mood and I am lost in them. Before long I remember what, I wanted to tell her.

"I really meant what I said. It feels so much better to talk to someone about Finn. Not many people know the whole story. Maybe it would help you too." I tell her softly.

I leave it at that and go upstairs to get ready to head to the store. I am a little surprised to see Lexa sitting on my bed when I come out of the bathroom, although I probably shouldn't be. I did sort of challenge her. The part that is shocking to me is that this Lexa looks so small and almost broken. It is such a contrast to the strong confident woman I know that I don't know what to do.

"Clarke I want to tell you all about what happened with Costia. I really do, but it will make you look at me differently and I don't think I can handle that. Just please give me some time. I don't think I could handle you hating me." She pleads.

"Lex, it's ok. I am not going to force you to tell me anything you aren't ready for, or get upset because you won't tell me. I know how hard it is to deal with the past. I can promise that I will be there for you if/when you are ready to talk. There is nothing that could make me hate you." I reassure her. Sitting next to her on the bed I pull her into my arms and just hold her like she has done for me.

She still looks so broken and sad. I can't take seeing this strong woman like this, so I do the one thing I know will make her smile. I pull her face to mine and pour everything I feel for her into a kiss. It starts off gentle and sweet just reassuring her, but as soon as she responds it turns hungry and passionate. My hands are tangled in Lexa's hair and she has one hand at the back of my neck holding me close and the other on my face in a caress that almost feels worshipful. We break apart breathless and immediately our mouths are fused again. It is almost like she doesn't want any space between us, even the air and it feels almost desperate for closeness.

I end the kiss and pull her into my arms and lie down on the bed. I hold her for what seems like an eternity, so she can calm down. I whisper reassuring words in her ear. I will say just about anything to help her right now. It is breaking me to see her so out of sorts and desperate for contact. I do manage to keep things from going any further, while she is upset. When we are together, and I know it is going to happen and soon, I want it to be because neither of us can control ourselves anymore. Seeing Lexa lose her control is a beautiful thing, but not like this.

I can feel her panic start to recede but neither of us move. The helpless feeling, I have when it comes to helping her makes me realize how strong my feelings for her really are. I am fully in this, whatever we are. I find that it is not terrifying like I thought it would be, but an odd sense of calm and happiness settles over me. We stay wrapped up in each other until my phone starts ringing.

I check and see its Raven. I lay back down next to Lexa and answer. "Hey Rae, what's up?"

"What time is dinner tonight? And who all did you invite?" She asks.

"I didn't invite anyone. I wanted a low-key dinner with just you and O and Lexa and I. It's been a rough week." I tell her. "Please tell me you didn't invite people."

"People were asking about a family dinner and I told them about you being an amazing cook. They were just interested. I didn't invite anyone this week, just wanted to see if that would be something you would be interested in. Maybe more so now that Finn is gone."

"I think I can manage that, but not today. It will be nice to have home cooked meals and hang out with the cast." I put my hand over phone to ask Lexa if she is on board too. "Are you ok with people coming over for dinner every once in a while?" She nods, and I tell Raven that we are all good. She and Octavia will be over in a few hours and she wants to barbeque tonight. That is simple enough, but it means that we need to go to the store.

Lexa drives us to the store and it is the most fun I have had in a grocery store since I was a kid. Lexa and I keep finding the most random things and trying to sneak them into the cart without the other noticing. She keeps catching me and fake pouting. I am sure we look like complete idiots in the store, but it is good to see Lexa so happy and carefree. A trip that should have been about 45 minutes takes us almost 2 hours, but it was so worth it. All of the lingering shadows are gone from Lexa's eyes and she seems mostly back to her old self.

We get back to the house about 30 minutes before Raven and Octavia are supposed to show up, so Lexa helps me prep the food and then goes to change. I know I should go change too, but I can do that once everything is ready. Lexa comes back and offers to finish chopping the veggies for the kabobs, so I can get ready. I thank her with a small kiss and go get changed. It is so odd to think that at this time last week Lexa and I were not even remotely this close. And I was surprised and very happy to learn how affectionate she is. It is hard to not have a smile permanently on my face when she is near.

I head back downstairs not at all surprised that our friends are late. Lexa is still at the counter chopping veggies, so I sneak up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. She leans her head back on my shoulder and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"I am terrible at chopping. Sorry but these look like a four-year-old cut them with safety scissors."

"It doesn't matter what the look like as long as they are edible. Help me put the kabobs together?"

She moves to help me assemble our meal and I realize that it just feels easy doing all of these normal things with Lexa. We are both content to just be, when we are together, and I am starting to realize how special that feeling is. We finish the kabobs and I finish prepping the chicken, hamburgers and veggie burgers and we start getting the sides ready to go. Raven and Octavia show up about 30 minutes later and help us put the finishing touches on the sides, before I send Raven out to man the grill. We all head outside to keep her company while we wait for the food to be finished.

Lexa and Octavia take the big comfy chairs and not wanting to be far away from Lexa I sit on the arm of her chair. Without thinking I put my arm around her and snuggle closer into her side. She stiffens for a second but then relaxes into me putting her arm around my waist.

"I knew it! I called this. Tell them O. I knew I was right. Lexa, I am glad you listened during our little chat, but come on spill." Raven yells excitedly.

"Whoa Rae calm down. Was this the talk I interrupted at last week's dinner? What the hell did you say to Lexa? And Lex why didn't you tell me what you talked about." She laughs softly and buries her head in my side trying to hide her face. When she pulls back I can see a deep blush across her cheeks and I will do everything in my power to see that again. Lexa blushing is one of the greatest things I have ever witnessed.

"Raven, chill. We don't really know what is going on either. We both enjoy spending time together and we are seeing where that leads us. We are going to keep it quiet on set for a little while and just see where it goes." Lexa tells her plainly.

"Ok you two love birds dinner is ready. Let's eat." Raven announces.

We all crowd around the island and enjoy all the amazing dinner. After dinner O helps me clean up the kitchen. While we are washing the dishes, she asks me about Raven.

"Did you and Raven ever have anything?" She asks.

"Oh my god no. She is more like a sister to me than anything. We thought about it one time when we were really drunk. We tried to kiss, but it was like kissing your sister. It was horrible. That was the last thought about that. We have been each other’s wing woman many times, but that is the only going out we did. We became best friends fast and then moved in together and have been together ever since. I don't know what I would do without her."

"She says the same about you. Did you know she knew about Lexa before you did?"

"No but I don't doubt it her gaydar is incredible. Do you know what she said to Lexa last week?"

"I think it was the ‘what are your intentions’ talk, and then the ‘don't hurt her or I will kill you and dispose of the body talk."

"She didn't. I am going to kill her."

"I wouldn't be so upset about that. Look at how far you two have come, since she lit the fire under Lexa. I don’t know exactly what they talked about, but I wouldn't be too upset with Raven."

We finish up the dishes talking about other random things. I find that Octavia and I have a lot in common and she may have some serious feelings for my best friend. I wonder how that is going to shake out, or if Raven really is as oblivious as she is pretending to be. I make a mental note to talk to her about that, and her little talk with Lexa. We make out way into the living room and settle in for a movie. I curl up on the couch with Lexa and they both start to give us shit about how cute we are. Lexa shifts until she is sitting behind me and I am sitting between her legs and wraps her arms around me. She puts her head on my shoulder and kisses it sweetly. I think she was hoping they didn't see her little show of affection, but of course they are watching us more than the movie and start to make gagging noises.

"You two are so sweet I am going to get a toothache over here. Ugh if I had known you were going to be this gross I wouldn't have said anything. The big bad commander is a big cinnamon roll." Raven teases.

I turn and give Lexa a quick kiss and then snuggle back in and ignore the peanut gallery. Lexa notices I am a little chilly, so she grabs the blanket behind her and drapes it over the both of us. I am so happy right now being with Lexa and spending time with our friends.

A little while later I wake to Lexa whispering in my ear that I need to get up, so we can go to bed. Raven and Octavia left, and Lexa didn't want to wake me. So, they all let me sleep and said their goodbyes and left she tells me.

"I don't know why I am so tired. I was so cozy and relaxed on the couch though, so I am blaming you." I tease her.

She kisses my nose and tells me to go get ready for bed and come back down. I am really enjoying this playful and affectionate side of Lexa. I know we are keeping it quiet on the set, but I don't know how to keep my hands off of her anymore. It has been such a short amount of time and it feels like it is the most natural thing in the world. I revel in those moments throughout the day and I am going to miss them while we are working.

I head down stairs and Lexa has all her candles all lit again. She looks so solemn and deep in thought in the candle light. I move to sit next to her on the bed and she looks over at me with that serious and sad look on her face.

"Lexa what's wrong?"

"Tonight, was nice. I really enjoyed being able to be ourselves around Raven and Octavia, but I am still wary about being so open in the public eye. It is going to be so hard to be professional and keep our distance on set."

"I agree, but we will make it work. I know we still have things to work out and a relationship to figure out. We can have lunch together and hang out with Raven and Octavia on set. If you are worried that they will tell anyone they won't. They know how important it is for me to stay out of the public eye after what happened with Finn."

She nods in agreement, but I can still sense her unease. "Lex, I would never do anything to hurt you. Please tell me you know that." I plead.

She answers with a gentle kiss. I deepen the kiss and pour every ounce of my feelings for her into this kiss. It is so full of meaning and feeling that I get lost in it, in her. I slowly pull back and look into her eyes, so she can see everything I am saying without words and hope she understands.


	26. Starving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know just what to say  
> Things that scare me, I should just walk away  
> But I can't move my feet  
> The more that I know you, the more I want to  
> Something inside me's changed  
> I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you  
> Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo  
> By the way, by the way, you do things to my body  
> I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient. It took me a while to get back into the groove of working on this story. I ended up starting editing it from the beginning again to help me get over the writers' block. My shoulder has finally healed enough for me to sit at a desk again and I am hoping to keep the updates coming. Thank you everyone for your support and kind words while I was recovering. 
> 
> Any way I hope you enjoy the new chapter and as always thank you for reading.

LEXA

[Starving by Hailee Steinfeld](https://open.spotify.com/track/4Ce37cRWvM1vIGGynKcs22)

 

This week has been hard for Clarke and me. I feel so out of sorts without Clarke always by my side. In such a short amount of time, she has become such a big part of my life. I have become accustomed to being able to touch her and show her affection anytime I wanted. When we are on set we have to be professional and keep our distance, so we have taken every opportunity to have stolen moments together whenever we can. Whether it is eating lunches in our trailers or just hanging out and spending all of our downtimes with Raven and Octavia. I only have a few scenes this week, so I have been spending a lot of downtime with Raven and Octavia on the set. I have started to notice that they have a strong attraction to each other too. I don't think that have acknowledged it yet, but it is definitely there. I’m not sure what to do with that information, so I file it away to talk to Clarke about it later.

They keep teasing me about how miserable I am not around Clarke all the time and how I sneak on set just to watch all of her scenes. After the first few days of long hours on set and little time for Clarke and I, Raven and Octavia propose a night out. I wait with them in Clarke's until she is finished for the day. They want to tell her immediately and are so excited to tell her their excellent plan. They want us to go to this hole in the wall pool hall that is near their house.

She agrees to their crazy plan, but really, I think she just wants to go out somewhere in public with me. That idea both terrifies me and thrills me. Raven and Octavia have reassured us that no one will bother us at this place, so we both agree. I am actually looking forward to having a real date with Clarke. Clarke is exhausted from her long hours today, so we plan to go out tomorrow since it will be a shorter shooting day for her.

Clarke is so tired tonight that I cook dinner for us while she takes a long bath. I surprise her by making something other than my usual breakfast items. She is so excited to see I made an effort for her that we almost burn dinner. We eat quickly and then she asks to cuddle on the couch with me. I really love this time together with her. I am so happy, and I think I am finally figuring out my issues where Costia is concerned. I just hope that Clarke will wait for me to get my head on straight and not give up on us.

I hear Clarke snoring softly, and I can't wake her after her long last few days. So, I move to get comfier and lay down on the couch snuggled against her, when I move she adjusts to get cozier against me. I find it adorable that she is always searching for that contact. It always cracks me up that even in her sleep she wants to be as close as possible to me, not that I am complaining. I pull the blanket up over both of us and am so relaxed and happy that I drift off.

We stay like that all night, and when I wake the next morning, it is because I can hear my alarm going off in my bedroom. I try to maneuver from under Clarke, and we both end up falling off of the couch. She wakes up and starts laughing. "This reminds me of the last time I fell out of bed with you. My how things have changed since then."

I make sure she is ok and then I can't help but laugh along with her. I would love to stay like this with her all day, but we need to get up to get to set. I get ready and then Clarke, and I ride to the set together. She heads straight to makeup since she has the first scenes of the day and I head to my trailer to go over my lines again. It is so hard with some of these words in a different language. I send a text to Octavia to see if she will help me because she has to say quite a few lines in this language too and she comes over to help me.

I don't know how she got so good at this so quickly, but with her help, I breeze through my scenes today until the last one we are filming today.  This is one of the more significant scenes for my character, and it is a confrontation with Clarke about our people fighting. It is full of emotion and meaning, but I have to stay calm and collected as she pleads for their lives. We end up having to film it several times, and by the end, I am an emotional mess. I know we were acting, but a scene like that really drains you. And I know that Clarke is feeling it too. I can see it in her eyes how hard that was for her. She was perfect in the moment though, and it was all I could do to not go to her when she started crying in one of the last takes.

When the director calls cut for the last time I hurry and change and go to Clarke's trailer to wait for her so we can head home. She comes in a few minutes later, and she immediately comes over to me. I wrap her in my arms and pull her close, and she lets the tears that had been building all afternoon fall. I just stand there holding her to let her get it all out.

"Are you ok, babe?" I whisper in her ear.

She pulls back, and I am treated with one of the brightest smiles. "You called me babe. I am so confused as to what we are on top of everything else. I just don't know what to think. And then you call me babe."

"I am so sorry, Clarke. Thank you for being patient with me. And yeah it just came out, but it felt good. I don't know what we are, but I do know that you mean something to me, something special. I guess you would call that a relationship. It's up to us what that means."

I barely get the last word out before she is kissing me. I am starting to get addicted to kisses from her. It's like she can't stop herself from kissing me and I feel so lucky. Clarke Griffin is mine, and while I don't know what that means yet, just the idea of it gives me a warm feeling in my chest. I deepen the kiss and explore her mouth. I try to keep my hands still, but they have a mind of their own, and I can’t keep them off of her. I bury with my hands in her hair and pull her even closer. When she moans mid-kiss, and her hands start exploring my body, I know we need to put a stop to this before we get too carried away. We are still on set after all, where anyone could walk in at any time. I use what little restraint I have left and slowly pull back. Clarke holds on and whines a little when I stop the kiss. I have to remind her where we are and promise we can pick up where we left off later.

We are both in a hurry to get home and continue what we started. We leave the set trying to avoid anyone that would delay us and forget to tell Raven and Octavia we are leaving. We end up making it home with no less than four calls from Raven reminding us we agreed to go out with them tonight. As soon as I close the front door, Clarke, has me pressed up against it kissing me passionately. I move us to the couch, and we continue to make out until both of our phones start ringing and getting text alerts like crazy. We lost track of time, and both Raven and Octavia are demanding our presence at the bar immediately.

I pull away from Clarke only to have her chase my lips as I move back a bit. I remind her that we have plans and need to get ready. I move off of the couch and head to my room to get dressed, with Clarke following closely. She tackles me to the bed, intent on continuing our make out. I am not ready for it to end either, but at the same time, I am excited to take her on a real date, even if it is with Raven and Octavia.

I finally convince her to go get ready, but I have to lock my door, so Clarke will actually go get ready. I have to remind her several times through the closed door that she agreed to go out with our friends tonight and it will be our first official date. That seems to do the trick because I hear her run up the stairs to start to get ready. It is so cute that she is pouting about having to go have fun. I don't tell her that, but it does make me laugh.

I look through my closet and try to find something that Clarke will think is sexy but can't decide on anything. I am not wearing another dress, but I choose on my skinny jeans with those booties Clarke liked last time and a sheer backless top. When I finally finish getting ready Clarke is impatiently waiting at the island. She looks at me with that hungry look in her eyes again, and  I guess that means she likes what I chose. I can tell right away that she decided to wear something similar to what she wore the last time we all went out, but this top is slightly more revealing, and I get to see a little more of those fascinating tattoos she has. What I didn't expect was the short black skirt. She is usually not a skirt kind of girl, but damn her legs are perfection, we need to leave right now, or we are not going anywhere tonight.

We head out to the pool hall and spot Raven and Octavia immediately. They are by far the loudest people in the place, and I get the feeling that they come here often. They are chatting with the bartender and the waitress who have both come over to the corner table they have commandeered for the night. It looks like this may be their regular table from the way they sit all cozy against each other in the booth.

I order Clarke a beer and a jack and coke for myself, and everyone at the table turns to stare at me. "What I do drink, just not very often anymore." They all laugh, and Clarke gives me a bright smile. They are all talking about playing pool and how good they are, and I just stay quiet. I don't want them to know that I am a good player, just yet. They all assume that I need lessons and I just let them keep believing. Clarke finishes her beer and goes to the bar to get another. On the way back she makes a detour to the jukebox and makes several choices. She and Raven have the next game on the table closest to us, so we all chat until they guys over there are finished.

A song comes on, and Clarke gets really excited and starts singing along.

 

> _Baby_ _would you be my sugar, sugar?_  
>  _Make my heart race, even on a good day_  
>  _You make the world taste better, better_  
>  _Good on anything, want you on everything_  
>  _Just a little bit is all it takes_  
>  _Like a Coca-Cola on a Christmas Day_  
>  _You’re what I crave babe, what can I say?_  
>  _Would you, would you_  
>  _Would you be my sugar, sugar?_

She keeps singing the whole song, but the way she is looking at me I know she is singing to me and I can't contain my smile. The table is free, so her and Raven go up for their first game. Octavia and I watch them goof around and laugh and try to make each other miss shots. I can't help but enjoy myself. I love spending time with Clarke, and I realize that Raven and Octavia are quickly becoming good friends too. As Octavia and I chat at the table, and I can see her watching Raven the same way that I watch Clarke. I decided that since I got the best friend talk from Raven already I can be a little bold and I ask her what is up between the two of them.

"I don’t know. Really, I don't. I like Raven, and I love spending time with her, but I don't know anything more than that. I think I may want more than that, but I am so confused." She tells me.

"Have you two talked about it?"

"No we keep dancing around each other and acting like we are just friends, but I think I want what you and Clarke found with Raven."

I give her a hug and tell her to talk to Raven and tell her what she told me. "I see Raven watching you just as much as you watch her. I don't think you are alone in this."

"I've never been in a relationship with a girl. I have never felt anything like I feel when I am with her either. Nothing against that, but I am just so out of my element with her. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and love is love and all that stuff. I just don't know how to tell her."

"I will tell you what Raven told me. Well a simplified version anyway, if you care that much about her, she needs to know."

She gives me a hug and tells me thank you. As we break apart, I look over and see Clarke watching us oddly. The next song comes on, and she smiles at me and starts dancing with the pool cue. A guy is singing about a Galway Girl, but all I can see is Clarke swaying her hips back and forth and singing along. Pretty much everything and everyone else disappears as I focus on her movements. I can tell she is exaggerating her motions, and it is sending all of the thoughts racing through my head entirely in the gutter.

O walks over to the table and whispers something in Raven's ear. From the look on Raven’s face, she liked whatever O said. Clarke and Raven wrap up the game pretty quickly after that and Raven and Octavia come back over to the table. Raven tells me that it’s my game next and Clarke can teach me with a smirk on her face.

I waste no time moving close to Clarke and whisper in her ear, "You are playing with fire." She puts an innocent ‘who me’ look on her face, but her mischievous grin gives her away. Two can play this game. I ask Clarke for some hands-on lessons on how to shoot pool and make sure to press my body against her every chance I get. I make sure that each time I move I make contact with her body in some way. A little accidental rub of my arm on her boob, my pelvis brushing against her as I move around her, my ass as bend over to line up a shot. They are all having the desired effect. I can her hear her sharp inhales every time I do it so I know she is not unaffected.

She sways along with the songs and moves my hips with her as she is showing me how to line up the shots. I make sure to press our bodies as close together as I can while she is ‘teaching; me to play as a little pay back for all of the teasing she has been doing all evening. So enough, she feels that I have learned enough and we start playing. I let her break and watch as she sinks a few balls. She starts to dance even more suggestively with the cue while planning her shots and she is so sexy it is all I can do to focus on the table. The way this girl moves her body has me in a trance. I have to shake it off once she misses so I can focus on the game.

I quickly glance over at our friends and see Raven and Octavia heads close together in a deep conversation. I also notice that Raven has Octavia's hands in hers and they are sitting a lot closer together now. Clarke pouts that she has momentarily lost my attention, so she steps up her efforts. A new song comes on, and her eyes light up. She starts using her cue as a microphone and singing directly to me.

 

> _You know just what to say_  
>  _Things that scare me, I should just walk away_  
>  _But I can't move my feet_  
>  _The more that I know you, the more I want to_  
>  _Something inside me's changed_
> 
> _I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you_  
>  _Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo_  
>  _By the way, by the way, you do things to my body_  
>  _I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you_
> 
> _By the way, by the way, you do things to my body_  
>  _I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you_
> 
> _You know just how to make my heart beat faster_  
>  _Emotional earthquake, bring on disaster_  
>  _You hit me head-on, got me weak in my knees_  
>  _Yeah, something inside me's changed_

I don’t know if it is the words or how beautiful and sexy she looks tonight but I am mesmerized.  She sings the whole song while dancing with her pool cue like it is a stripper pole, and I cannot look away. She shakes her hips and undulates with the stick and a something inside of me awakens. The way she moves her body is so fluid and so sexy, and I can barely stay where I am. A want so powerful that I don't care where we are or who is around comes over me and I am breaking a sweat with the effort to stay put.

A compelling need deep inside me has to have her now. The song ends, and she is still holding my eyes as I stalk over to her. I press my forehead to hers, and we are both breathing heavily. We are so focused on each other that I am barely aware of our surroundings, but at the same time aware enough that I don't claim her mouth in the all-consuming and demanding brutal kiss I really want to.

"Hey, you two. That was quite a show you put on over here. I think the whole bar has blue balls now. Go get out of here and get it on already." Raven says.

We break apart at Raven's intrusion. Clarke and I laugh at her words and some of the sexual tension dissipates. It doesn't last long because as soon as Clarke and I lock eyes again it is back and almost overwhelming. She takes my hand and swiftly moves toward the table. We grab our stuff and surprisingly are quickly followed by Raven and Octavia. As soon as we cleared the door I pull Clarke close to my body and put an arm around her shoulders. I have a strong desire to have her as close to me as I can possibly manage right now and she doesn’t seem to mind as she snuggles in tighter to my side.

Clarke and I pretend to not notice that Raven and Octavia are pretty handsy too and in a hurry to get out of here. We get to my car, and I press Clarke against the passenger door and kiss her with everything I have. All of the need, want, desire and feelings are poured into this kiss. We get so lost in it that we break away in shock once again when Raven honks at us and yells for us to get a room.

Laughing we break apart and reluctantly release each other to get in the car. The entire ride home is full of small touches and heated glances. I feel like a teenager again and cannot keep my hands to myself. We share smiles and even a few kisses at stoplights in what feels like the longest drive home ever.


	27. Comfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All I see is you and me  
> Dancing in each others company  
> You're so comfortable with me  
> All I see I won't believe  
> Dancing in each other's, dancing in each other's company  
> All I see is you and me  
> Dancing in each others company  
> Feel so comfortable with me  
> All I see I won't believe  
> Dancing in each other's, dancing in each other's  
> Dancing in each other's company  
> Feel so comfortable with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this update took so long. I had some serious writers block on this chapter, plus I seriously suck at writing any smut. I think I wrote and rewrote this chapter about 500 times. I am still not truly happy with it, but it is time to move on with the story. So without further ado, enjoy.

CLARKE

[Comfortable by The Knocks](https://open.spotify.com/track/6KkLg2UJB4sUIbtDyc8Esu)

 

The ride home is quiet, full of heated glances and roving hands. The short drive feels like it lasts hours.  I don't think I have been this desperate with want and need for anyone in my life. Lexa woke something deep inside me, and I cannot temper it. I have to show her how much I care. How much I need her. Not just physically but in my life. I have never needed a person more than I need her. I know it is too early to tell her this, but I know at this moment that I am falling for her. Tonight, I needed to show her that I was beyond ready for her and she means more to me than just a rebound fling. This is more than just a pure unadulterated need for her and while that should scare me, it is actually comforting. Lexa makes me feel safe and happier than I can remember being.  

When we finally reach our house and exit the car, Lexa looks almost shy and very nervous. I take her hand and lead her inside. I can be brave enough for the both of us tonight. I know she worries that I will hate her for whatever happened with Costia, but what she doesn't know is that nothing could ever happen to make me hate her. None of that matters to me and I wish I could

"Clarke, I have only ever been with Costia, and that was a long time ago." She tells me in a small voice.

"Lex, I want you. Just you. However, that happens is up to you, but you have nothing to worry about." I kiss her softly and pull her towards her bedroom.

She tries to deepen the kiss and whines in frustration when I won't let her. I step away to light some of the candles she has around the room. I want to give her time to process all of this and not push her any further that she is comfortable. When I finally move back to her, I can see she is thankful for the moment to just breathe. I can see the adoration warring with the need in her eyes and just like that, my doubts are all silenced. She is in this with me.

I pull her close to caress her face, while I kiss her gently again. I slowly move my hands to tangle in her hair, and she moans softly. Her soft moan spur me on and I dig my hands deeper into her hair, while I deepen the kiss. I moan at the first touch of our tongues and it feels like I will never get enough of her. Encouraged by my moans, Lexa starts to get a little bolder in her movements. I feel her hands roaming over my neck and shoulders and down my arms. She keeps going until she gets to the hem of my shirt. She teases the skin between the bottom of my shirt and top of my skit, and it lights a fire inside of me. When she slides her hand fully under my shirt, the skin on skin contact makes the fire between us burn even hotter. I feel like we about to combust in the best possible way. Her touches along my stomach are jerkier and more urgent now. She impatiently tugs at my top, and I lift my arms to help her remove it. 

Once my top is removed, she pulls back to look at what she just uncovered.  She drinks in the sight of me clad in just my lacy black bra and takes in all of the small tattoos that are now visible. She looks at each one in fascination and brings a hand up to lovingly and gently caresses each of them. I wait patiently for her to get her fill, before I pull her back in for another deep kiss. The rough fabric of her shirt against my torso reminds me that she still has all her clothes on. My hands trace her sides and move to the bottom of her shirt and slipping under it to caress her beautiful bronze skin. I look up to find her watching me with eyes so dark almost all of the green I adore is gone. She reaches down and quickly removes her shirt. Her movements combined with the look of want in her eyes is so hot I am seconds away from losing all control. I press wet kisses down her neck and across her collarbones while my hands roam over her chest. I pull away from her skin to look at how amazingly beautiful she is. Her toned and flawless tanned skin makes me want to worship every inch of her. How did I get so lucky?

She quickly gets impatient with me and pulls me close for another deep kiss. Lexa starts walking us backward toward her bed. The back of her knees hit the bed, and she pulls me down with her. We laugh, and both take the opportunity to explore all our exposed skin, but soon she gets impatient again. She rolls us over and pushes me back on the bed, so she can softly trail kisses over my shoulders, down to my bra straps, and swiftly pulls them down my arms. She continues trailing kisses down my collarbones and down the center of my chest until she reaches the cups of my bra. She pulls them down and trails her tongue and fingers around my sensitive nipples. I let out a deep moan when she gently cups one breast, while expertly using her tongue on the other. She gets frustrated with the fabric in her way making me chuckle at her impatience. She looks up at me laughing and captures my mouth in a scorching kiss. Returning her attention to my chest, Lexa doubles her efforts. She begins roughly shaping and caressing my boobs, while leaving small bite marks and wet trails everywhere. It feels so good I can't contain my moans. Each moan gets seems to spur her on and makes her bolder.

She starts to kiss her way down my stomach and presses gentle kisses on each tattoo she passes. She outlines each one with her tongue making me squirm under her. The one on the right under my boob on my ribs, the one up the side of my ribs, the one on my hip bone. She makes a little hum of satisfaction with each new piece of ink she discovers. She gets to the top of my skirt, and places kisses all the way around the top edge of it and looks up at me for permission to remove it. I lock eyes with her, and she must get the answer she is looking for because she removes the skirt and traces the edges of my matching lace panties. She places small kisses on the tops of my thighs but stays clear of the part of me that needs the most attention. This feels like the best kind of torture and is almost worshipful in nature.

It is my turn to get impatient, so I pull her up for another hot and intense kiss and let my hands wander over her arms, back and stomach. Then I swap places with her and push her on her back on the bed. I am less patient than she is and make quick work of her bra and pants. I start to pull them down her legs, but they are super skinny jeans, so it takes a little more effort to remove them. We both laugh, and she helps me work them down her legs. I almost fall off of the bed a few times trying to pull them off, but that just makes us laugh more. When we finally succeed I pull her mouth back to mine for a victory kiss that quickly turns very heated. 

"Clarke, I want to make sure that you are sober, and we are on the same page. I have to know that you want this as much as I do." She says.

"Lex, my buzz faded the second you pushed me against that car and claimed my mouth. I want you, only you and I definitely want this as much if not more than you do." I tell her.

Her only answer is to claim my mouth again in a gentle, sweet kiss. I can feel the emotions she can't give voice to in it and return them all and then some. I know how much this means to her and I can go as slow or as fast as she needs. She pulls away and puts her forehead to me and whispers my name. I love how she roughly forms the constants a little harsher than normal and how sexy it sounds coming from her lips tinged with intense desire. It is almost like she is in awe that I am here with her. I need to show her I am just as affected as she is, so I whisper her name in the same tone. I try to pour my feelings into that one word and if the tears shimmering in her eyes are any indication she understands.

We cuddle close with as much skin to skin contact as we can and just hold each other. I understand she isn't ready and am willing to give her as much time as she needs. She holds me as close as she can and kisses me deeply. Our hands roam and explore, never stopping their gentle, loving explorations. She sighs happily that I understand her not wanting to go any further tonight. We fall asleep tangled together, skin to skin, content just being this close.

I wake a little while later to Lexa urgently calling my name. With a quick glance, I see she is still sleeping so she must be having another bad dream. She sounds panicked and utterly heartbroken, so I do the only thing I can think of to ease her pain. I hold her tighter and press soft kisses to all the skin I can reach. She calms down almost immediately, and her eyes slowly start to open. She sees me and takes a big sigh of relief as if she was worried I was gone. She pulls me close and buries her head in my neck. She starts shaking, and I can feel her tears on my shoulder, and I start to get a little worried. I have seen her upset before, but I don't think I have ever seen her cry.

"Lex, honey, what's wrong? You are freaking me out a little bit. Is it about your nightmare?"

She takes a deep breath and shakily lets it out and says, "It was the same dream I have of Costia, but instead of her it was you. You were the one I lost. You were the one that died."

"It's ok Lex. I am here. I am here." I hold her tightly and let her calm down a little bit.

"I guess you are wondering what happened to Costia by this point."

"I guess I am, but there is no rush. You will tell me when you are ready. I would never force you to tell my until you were comfortable. I know it hurt you a great deal and is very difficult to talk about."

"I think I may be ready to tell you. I just hope you don't hate me when the story is over."

“Lex, look at me,” I say as pulling back a bit to look her in the eyes. “No matter what you tell me, know this, I could never hate you.”

I lay back down and help maneuver Lexa so that she is laying partially on top of me.  I know this isn’t going to be easy for her, so I want her close, so I can rub her back and play with her hair while she works up the courage to tell this story. It felt comforting when she did this for me, so I hope it soothes her too. I know she has a tough time talking about what happened, but there is nothing that could make me hate her. At this moment, all that matters is her. I need her to get this off of her chest more for herself than for me. It is the last barrier that is keeping us apart.

"I told you about how Costia and I met and what kind of person she was. What I didn't tell you was how quickly we fell into a serious relationship. How I went from being an independent college student to being so wrapped up in someone else, I didn't see what was happening around me. We fell in what, at the time I thought was love, really quickly but I can see now that it was infatuation and puppy love on my part. She just wanted to be adored and someone to make her happy. I don't doubt that she loved me, and I loved her, but love is not always enough to make a relationship work. She wanted easy and fun, and I thought we were all of those things. I was so blissfully happy having someone around that I cared about and loved me that I didn't see her hidden pain."

"It started off innocent enough. She would go out with friends and get drunk a few nights a week while I was working. It was no big deal. Then I found out that she had failed out of school and had started doing drugs along with all of her drinking. She seemed to be so happy and carefree in love when she was around me, but in reality, she was sad and depressed and manic. She hid it all from me and self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. Her family blamed me for her dropping out of school, and my family was outraged that I was dating a woman. I didn’t know what to do or how to deal with it, so I went to the school counselors. That just made it worse when they tried to talk to her she denied everything and told me I was over exaggerating and she was just having fun."

"She started going out every night and coming back completely wasted. We barely saw each other anymore, and when we did, she was either high or drunk. One night I had enough, and we got into this huge fight, and I gave her an ultimatum, me or the partying. She couldn't deal with that in her state, so she went out and got completely wasted. She called me to come to pick her up, but she was so messed up I couldn't tell what she was saying or where she was. She took that as a refusal to come to pick her up and decided to drive home. She crashed on the way home, and it was so bad she was missing for 3 days before anyone could identify the remains. Her parents blamed me, and I blamed myself. All of our friends drifted away since she was the life of the party and after her death, I was not someone anyone wanted to be around. The only thing I had left was acting, so I poured myself into it. It helped me mask the pain and if I kept everyone at arm's length nothing like that could happen again."

"Eventually my family and I tentatively patched things up, but it is still hard for them to accept. If I had seen her depression, I could have helped and prevented it all. The one person she should have been able to count on was too blinded by love to see what was right in front of her. It was my fault she died." She starts sobbing again.

"It's ok Lex. Let it all out, babe."

"Do you hate me?"

"Never. I know you don't want to hear this, but it was not your fault. You are a beautiful and loving person, and you did what was right. You can't help someone that doesn't want help. She sounds like a wonderful person, but she had issues, and those issues made her act selfishly. I could never blame you and will never blame you for what happened with Costia."

I kiss her tears away, and she looks at me, and I can see the love in her eyes. The acceptance of my words and some of the pain that usually shadows her seems to have lifted. She pulls my mouth to hers and gives me a soft, sweet kiss that is so full of love and meaning that I melt right there. If I weren't already in love with this girl, I would be well on my way. It is all I can do to not tell her how I feel, so I pour all of my emotions into returning her kiss.

She trails kisses down my neck and worships my chest. She is so sure of herself now that it feels like a completely different Lexa. I know she is free of some of her pain and no longer scared that I will leave her. I don’t know if she accepted my words, but she knows that I am not going anywhere, and it seems to have made all the difference. She kneads each breast while placing gentle kisses around before paying special attention to each nipple. My hands have a mind of their own and have made a home in Lexa's hair, only I don't know if it is to push her away when it's too much or hold her right where she is. I am getting restless beneath her, and I don't think I have ever been this close just from kisses from her expert mouth. She gets the picture when I start to try to move her off of me, so I can take control. She doesn't let me take control and continues her slow torture down my stomach. She places little kisses trailing down my abs and letting out small, adorable giggles when my muscles contract after every kiss. I make an impatient sound and try to shift again, but she holds my hips where they are.

Her kisses trail lower and follow the top line of my panties. She slowly pulls them down my legs and throws them to the floor with the rest of our clothes. She traces from my feet all the way up my legs placing kisses periodically on her way up. I am so close from all of her teasing that I know it is going to be so good when it finally happens. She places a sweet kiss on my pubic bone and comes up to kiss me deeply and passionately. One hand holds my face while she trails the other back down my body caressing as she goes. She reaches the junction of my thighs and gently teases my folds before sliding one finger through my wetness and circling where I really want her. She rubs small light circles around my clit, and I can feel the how close I am already. She must be able to tell that I am close because she starts rubbing a little faster and harder and that’s all it takes. I arch up off of the bed, and my entire body starts shaking. This isn't one of those baby orgasms; it is a full body spasm that makes me see stars and takes everything out of me. I come down and collapse back on the bed in a boneless heap.

Through it, all Lexa is kissing me and telling me how beautiful I am. She is leaning over me watching me and kissing me softly bringing me back down from that incredible high. Lexa cuddles up next to me and gets comfy like we are done for the night. There is no way I am not giving her the same pleasure she gave me especially after opening up like she did. I shift us to where she is on her back, and I am over her and give her the gentle, loving kisses that she gave me earlier.

I kiss her deeply and make the kiss as passionate as I can. My hands explore her body, and it’s like I am trying to memorize every inch of her skin. Catalog it for future reference and learn every time her breath hitches or she lets one of those little breathy moans lose. I dedicate myself to bringing this beautiful, remarkable woman pleasure like it is my mission in life. I lick and tease and kiss my way down her chest and her beautifully toned stomach. My tongue following every valley and crest her muscles form until I get to the top of her boy shorts. I am not usually a fan of boy shorts, but on Lexa they are perfect. Her breath catches as I slowly start to pull them down and she has that nervous look on her face again. I stop my movements and place a kiss on her pubis. I look up at her and let her know that I will stop if she wants me to, but the heat in her eyes tells me all I need to know. She may be nervous, but she is all in.

She is squirming beneath me and trying to get me to continue. I kiss everywhere but where she wants me to as I keep pulling her shorts down. She helps me kick them off and tries to pull me back up for another kiss. I move slowly and kiss my way back up her body before kissing her deeply. My hands continue to roam, and when they reach where she wants them, I am treated to a loud moan. I tease her with gentle brushes of my fingers, and she lets out a frustrated whine. She breaths my name and it is all I need to redouble my efforts to get her to fall over the edge. I start with gentle circles like she did, but just as she is getting close, I back off slightly. I switch up my speeds and pressures, and when I can tell she is getting close, I slide down her body and use my mouth to finish her off. Her moans and hands in my hair holding me in place spur me on to see if I can wring another out of her.

I apply pressure to her clit and press it flat against her and am rewarded with a buck of her hips. I pull back a little and give her a little flick with the tip of my tongue. She moans loudly and just like that her legs start shaking again. She is very responsive and vocal, and I love this. Loving her. I press my tongue flat against her again and then suck gently, and that is all it takes. She goes over the edge, and it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Lexa in the throes of passion is a sight to behold. I make it my mission to see this as often as I can. She slowly catches her breath and as she starts to recover she pulls me up and fuses her mouth with mine. There is nothing heated or sexual about this kiss. It is so sweet and pure that I sigh contentedly. We get closer, and I pull her into my arms. We lay back and fall into a deep, peaceful sleep. My last thoughts before I drift off are of how lucky I am to be here with her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I have no idea what I am doing, but I had fun doing it. Comments and Kudos are always appreciated.  
> Any and all mistakes are my own.
> 
> You can find me [here](http://poupame.tumblr.com) if you want to chat about the book. I have started creating some mood boards for my fics over there too.


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